You are in the right place to find support and maybe a few freinds along the way. Sounds like you have hit the mental part of detox the "What do I do with myself now.." and "What did I do to myself.." You have no where to go but up. You have to rebuilt and repair the damage but it is a long road to recovery. If you can built a support system around you it will help. Try not to be too hard on yourself the self hated to a killer. You have to forgive yourself. Easy to say harder to do. Good luck to you! Pam
dude, you have balls. just hang in there it took me about 10 days of agony take hot showers try and walk I know you hurt your foot but moving around helped me a lot. just look at the light at the end of the tunnel. I see and feel all my old strength coming back now like I was gone for a while. give it time to heal stay the hell away from the pills and this will just be a closed chapter in your life.
I fooled around with this **** for a little over a year but what a lose never ever again, I am 43 and guys half my age could not keep up with me but now I have to start all over a two year old could kick my ass right now, but like I said I feel stronger every day you will to.
If you know what to do, do it
So poignant and true. I am on day 2 today and I know the feelings of despair and desolation. I looked at my apartment today and it is an utter mess. The thought of cleaning it is overwhelming. I am 33 and have been using mostly on for 10 years. I have had a few clean periods adn they truly were great times in my life. Mental clarity can be had. It is true though, there is NOWHERE to go but up. Take small baby steps and realize life without drugs is so much better.
although our story's are similar they are different. i had little use for money at the peak of my addiction...ya' see i used to rip poision shops (drug stores) to support my habit. i went for over 20
years, and never once stopped to think what i would do if i actually
needed the dope i put in my arm!
well now i do! after 17 years of being clean from opiates i'm back on the hell bound train of addiction due to intractabable pain from botched spinal surgery. right now my daily intake of oxy is 160mg+!
i didn't plan it to happen this way...it just did!
you have come to the right place! sorry there are not any fast answeres...just many other people just like you...keep posting and
keep an angel on your shoulder
To get your mind off what you are going to do with the rest of you life, why don't you tell us about your handle? Pammy
Hi doll--- As I recall, Sisyphus pissed off the god Zeus, and he was made to roll a giant boulder uphill, whereupon it would roll back down, and the tedium ran ad nauseam into eternity....So I am assuming this gentleman is using that analogy to describe his drug addiction/ detox challenge.... An apt one, too, don't you think? I thought his entire post was very well-written and he expressed himself so well. I could identify with so many of the things he wrote about. See you around, chickie--Peaz
It just occurred to me that I horned in on a post that was not addressed to me.....I just saw the question and automatically answered it w/out thinking. Sorry! Peaz
I have been reading the posts on this site for a while ( they have meant alot to me) and I will tell you more about me and my dilemma a little later, but I was hoping that you could help me with an immediate problem. I am currently being weened off of high doses of oxycontin ( I was up to 800 mg's daily). I am trying to explain to my wife how horrible the withdrawels are and I think it is hard for her to understand just how horrible it is. I was hoping that you could describe how one feels when withdrawing from an opiate like oxycontin, as I would like to show my wife your post because I believe when it comes from another person it will validate to her how horrible an experience it is. For instance she cannot believe I do not want to be sexual with her but I tell her how it is the furthest thing from my wind because of the way I feel physically and mentally. Your help is greatly apreciated and I look forward to speaking with all of you more in the near future as I think it will help in my battle to take back control of my life.
Nice to see you posting. I concur with your assesment of the reasoning for the name in question. Hopefully he will reply to tell us if that is the reason for his handle.
Your wife needs to know that #1 - Opiates takes away your libido like never before. As well as anti-depressants. They just take your libido away and there is nothing you can do about it. Now.......when you are off the meds, tell her to watch out. Cause personally for me, it is like Mr. Happy wakes up from hibernation and doesn't want to take no for an answer, and even seeing the walmart bra section gets the action going, just like when we were kids.
Welcome home!! Gee ... it's so kool to have an information person here. You have so much to offer. I know you are feeling bad now, but you are not alone. This place is like a family. Please be good to yourself .... down thoughts are part of withdrawal and will pass. I hope you feel better soon ... Goldie
After reading all your great responses I re-read my own. Part of me asked,
Hi and welcome! What a terrific writer you are....
Sisyphus, you've done your homework (like any good addict), and you've gotten lucky if you've never run into 5.0 on your drug train...way luckier than most. As long as you don't get it in your head you're a "lifer" on dope, you'll live. You'll have to re-learn how to, but you'll live. For the most part, you'll need support, so if it's a 12stepper, NA is your crowd. IF not NA, clean/ex-using friends. Regardless, you'll need people around you that you can call when Mr. Jones shows up, and he will :) just after your head clears and your body returns to a semblence of normalcy... the mental game is where the rubber meets the road and you need to be prepared. I know what you mean when you don't know how to watch TV... it's true, I don't either. Welcome, you're home here.
Chezz, thanks for making me smile. I really needed it.
from another string of posts :) he makes some funny observances, check it out. K.
I can't believe that I forgot my greek methology! You are a smarty Peazy! That is a prefect analogy of how overbearing addiction can be. I too identify so much with that post. I do not post here often but I felt yeserday compelled too after reading what you wrote. I hope that you are able to get through your day with as little discomfort as possible. There seems to be a sense of panic and isolation that happens to poeple post withdrawal so be sure to reach out to the people that you love and trust. Please keep posting as we are interested in your progress no matter how small the steps may seem. Pammy
This entire forum is loaded with terrible, nasty, horrendous descriptions of withdrawal. It runs the gamut and I found it extremely helpful to read every single one of them, archives included. I have personally found greater impact and meaning from the posts created while in the throes of the actual withdrawal. They are so raw, honest, scatter-brained, helter-skelter, terrifying and real. Maybe as I drive further and further down the road I will look to the posts that more closely mirror my own developing situation.
I take great comfort that this forum is full of people from all walks of life in every imagineable stage. It
YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND AND IF YOU HAVE'T WRITTEN A BOOK. I THINK YOU SHOULD, JUST THINK YOU COULD BE RICH AND PAY OFF ALL THOSE OLD BILLS AND MAYBE TAKE YOUR NEW SELF SOMEWHERE DIVINE....IF ONLY I HAD YOUR INTELLIGENGE AND PROSE...REALLIFE
Reading Sysyphus's post propted me to post for the first time, although I have been reading threads on this site for about 3 years...Previously, I read while high on exorbanent amounts of Dilaudid, Oxycodone, and Hydrocodone. I used to sit and read and think to myself, "these poor losers, they are ONLY clean now because their source's ran out or something otherwise unlikely to happen to me"--I thought this of COURSE because I hadn't YET entered into the HELL which from this time forward will be known as SEVERE, life-altering addiction.
That was BEFORE I lost my job, my desire to work, my 5 year relationship, most of my friends, and the respect of my family, while at the same time gaining such wonderful things as 40lbs, enormous financial debt, and a significant social phobia!! Joy.
So back in December, I finally decided while withdrawing from a 200mg/day Dilaudid and 300mg/day Oxycodone and 15 tablet/day Soma habit and laying on an ER gurney begging the ER doctor to "just PLEASE give me some more Dilaudid IV you a--HOLE" (they LOVE being called that, FYI!) that I had HAD ENOUGH!!
The next morning I begged my local detox hospital to see me, even though they didn't take my insurance, and they obliged by assigning me to their one MD that would detox someone like me as an outpatient. Needless to say, I was detoxed, physically at least, in about 4 days. And honestly, thanks in large part to the drugs I was given, it wasn't too bad, PHYSICALLY.
Then came the part where I HATED all narcotics and would "NEVER take another narcotic as long as I lived"--Yah, right!
I was clean for about a month when I got a job (Thank God!), had patched up my relationships with friends and family via a LOT of blatant honesty on my part and a lot of compassion on their parts, and had lost nearly 20lbs of the 40 I had to loose. Everything was looking WAAAAY up.
But, I have still got a LOT to learn about just living life...About recovery as well...I have been free from "addiction" for 90 days tomorrow, however, there have been occasional indescretions, such as when I found a 3/4 full bottle of Hycodan syrup at my aunt's house that had "expired" (like addicts give a s--t about expiration dates!) and no one would have missed--took a decent sized swig off of that one more than a few times! Despite this, the goal IS to stay completely AWAY from opiates.
I am over that whole time-wasting guilt **** that tries to tell me how wrong I am for giving in to my cravings from time to time...for me I have found that guilt erodes my sense of recovery-related pride even more than an occasional opiate dose, so I try to just avoid it.
My main question is does this ever get better? I know others have said that it does, but after 90 days, every day is actually tougher (for ME) than the first 2 months!!
I have a lot more to add at a later time, like the mental games my detox physician played with me (really GREAT guy-NOT--nothing like falling into an infatuation with the person who gets you clean and then having them not only ALLOW you to persue them romantically, but also ENCOURAGE it)...I promise to add more later!
Sorry for interrupting this thread, however, I so related to Sysyphus' story and couldn't help myself...you all have wonderful supportive advice, and I only hope that I can add some from time to time as well!
B'Belt who is a great guy that used yo post here(still reads!!)asked if you would e'mail him at ***@**** he says you and he are kindred spirits,and you wised up before he!He cannot post here so please e'mail him so you guys can talk!! Jerri
I posted wrong e'mail!Its ***@**** for the mistake but my minds still in a fog!!!!! Hope your doing good today!!Take care my friend... Jerri
I have been trying to figure out exactly the same thing. I am pretty close in age to you and have used drugs off and on my whole life. These last yrs becoming addicted to opiates, any hydro wud do, norco was my favorite, I had taken them for so long I cud throw 10-12 down my throat and feel like I cud face the world. Obviously all I was doing was hiding. The most important thing you can do for yourself to prevent you from relapsing is get into a group counselling, or private, you as do we all trying to recover must first figure out what behaviors and problems, we feel inside that have lead you to do this to yourself. It is alot of work. I am doing a slow detox to get off of methadone I also am letting myself suffer to feel the horrible pain so I will never forget what I have done to myself, but unless (I start facing my inner turmoil, and work on my low self esteem I wont last long. I had finally gotten to the point where it wasnt a game anymore, it wasnt fun seeing who or how many people I cud manipulate to get what I wanted, I wish I had channelled that energy to do something more constructive. I went to a rehab 2 yrs ago, got out went to narc. anonymous for 90 days, stayed clean and on day 92 I was back on the norco. I finally checked my self into a methadone progrm, so I cud change my behavior. I am now addicted to methadone, and have to detox in the same way. but I wish i wud have listened to what was being said at those 90 mtgs, I dont know if y9ou are in any form of counselling, but it is so important you find the rite dr to treat you. Use your instincts to make sure you see someone who is knowledgeable in addiction and who is willing to work with you in identifying your issues you need to work on and re-learn, It is the most important thing you can do for yourself, with out behavior modification and learning how to adjust to living w/out meds you will have a hard time staying sober. I know ive been there. All the best to you. Stay focused on your goals. Dig down deep into your soul, you will find the strength to guide you to a better place!!
We totaly understand how you feel!If and when you feel like it you can e'mail him.Hes a very knowledgale recovering addict.Has a lot of wisdom too.Just an all out wonderful guy who loves helping other addicts.Take care my friend your in my prayers. Jerri
hello i berta,i've read all the post on this page,i wish i could talk with some of you on the phone.i am going through withdrawls right now,third day today,im feeling terrible too.i am sad,and useless,and i think my relation is over,maybe because of the vicodin use,im thinking,but when i start to withdrawl he calls me lazy,so i just end up getting more pills,not this time.il do it,and listening to the man on top of the page whose name begins with sy,i cant remember,but id like to alk more to you if posible,you hae allot of courage you all do,,,and i just want to say im glad i found you all.sincerly berta