Setting Boundaries

[Birdstheword]

My husband abuses alcohol and cocaine. I do not think that he is dependent on either substance, but his use is definitely abuse, and I would say is heading toward a very dangerous place. I am having difficulties in setting boundaries for simply not accepting the unacceptable behavior. I know his use/abuse will continue until he decides to discontinue it. But in the meantime, how do you all set your boundaries in regard to unacceptable behavior? For example, I always have a "Plan B," which is something I learned in Al-Anon. But what about things like spending money on drugs/alcohol, drinking and driving, etc.  

[IBKleen]

The one thing that hit me the hardest was when my mom turned her back on me.

She was my greatest enabler but she also would have given her life to help me. One day she told me there was no hope for me and walked away. It just about killed me but it was the event that put me on the road to recovery.

I think for a lot of addicts: Losing their jobs or losing friends is hard but when your family walks away it is a real wake-up call.

[Birdstheword]

Thank you to all of you for your posts. I make it to Al-Anon at least once per week. The cocaine use has involved snorting, not smoking. His last cocaine use (that I am aware of) was about 6 months ago, though I do know that he was attempting to buy some last week. He was in Brighton Hospital for a 17-day stay last year, based on me doing what Lizzie said above ----"Your bags are packed and you are either going to rehab or elsewhere because you are not staying here." He did wonderfully and seemed to be very committed, but eventually thought that he could "handle it," without his AA and NA programs, etc., and that of course did not work. He is back to thinking that he has a cocaine problem, but isn't using like he was before and that he can drink "socially." I know he also smokes marijuana, not sure how often, but I would guess somewhat regularly. I do not agree with any of this --- and I definitely do not view his drinking as "social." For those of you who were using and had a family member/spouse approach you when things were getting troublesome ... what got through to you the most? I know he'll be angry with me because he is in denial. I'm ok with him getting angry. Just looking for tips. I've had a ton of counseling and therapy and some Al-Anon under my belt, but rarely get to hear from recovering people as far as tips for sharing my concerns, etc.  

[mtgoat911]

how ofter do you attend alonon? its important to go on a regular basis, once a week
or so, i am an addict with 5yrs clean, my sponsor suggested that i attened naranon because of a familty member and the patients i work with, even as an addict i can become manipulated by addicts, its hard finding the balance between caring and care taking
when i was about a year clean i kicked my husband out, to move back in with me he had to go into detox, then stay at a halfway house for several months, he had to get a sponsor and i needed to see he was serious before i made the descion to get back with him, he has now been clean for 4 yrs

[avisg]

Lizzie is 100 % right while you contuine to enable he is going to continue to use. . Nothing will change .You said he does cocanie is it was Crack?

[LIZZIE LOU]

i'd close your checking account "while you still have money".

what you need to do is look at your response to his use.  i can tell you that if MY husband stayed out all night doing drugs...his clothes would be in the front yard when he got home.  me doing basically nothing would be like me saying "it's ok"...and that is enabling.  if you are allowing him to use the family money for drugs and alcohol abuse...you are enabling.  if you are overlooking his behaviour...you are enabling.  in HIS eyes...every time you do nothing...you are giving him the go ahead to do it again.  if he is choosing drugs and alcohol over you and your kids...there IS a problem.

[SophieShine]

Hi and welcome to the forum.
I am so sorry to read what you are going thru but you have to think about yourself and the 2 lil ones. Of course you should block any access to your bank account, he's gonna empty it within no time. IMO, You should get away as fast as you can, this cannot be a healthy environment for you not to mention your children.
I would set an ultimatum, he stops or he leaves, but that's me...
Take care of you and your 2 lil fellows.
Best of luck to you.
xoxoxo. Sophie.

[Birdstheword]

Thank you. We do have children, two young boys (ages 2 and 6 months). I have shared with him that if he ever uses cocaine in our home, I will ask him to leave and live elsewhere. He has not used in our home (that I am aware of). But I do not suspect he's using in the home. When he does use, he "disappears" for all-nighters w/people that I do not know. The alcohol use occurs much more frequently. So you say to make it as hard as possible for him to use ... would this include setting boundaries such as no access to our bank accounts, debit card, etc.? Those types of things?

[avisg]

Contune to go to AL NON if he is useing alchol and cocance and you say he is abusing it then she sounds addiction to me .Yes you need to set bondries is he doing this in your home ? The best thing you can do is make it as hard as possable for him to use .You have to take care of yourself and your kids (if you have any).