Third time's a Charm

[HookedHousewife]

This is my third attempt to kick my opiate habit. I've been on a heavy cocktail of Vicodin (10/325), Tylenol3 and Tramadol (50mg) for about a year. Before that, I used Vicodin exclusively, prescribed for endomretriosis. But I quicky lost track of what I was actually talking them for and started popping them for the euphoria, the escapsim from my life and all of the things I couldn't control.

I really want to get clean. I'm on Day 2 CT. I feel like a bag of dirt. My back aches, I get terrible anxiety attacks and extreme letheragy...the lethergy is what's killing me. I can't do ANYTHING. This lethargy is the biggest reason I always go back to the drugs. My husband is having such a hard time at work and I want to be there for him, to help pick up the pieces so he can focus on his job. When what I really want is to collapse for a week or two, and he encourages this, saying "why don't you just take a break?" but I can't. Everything I don't get done today is twice as much as I need to do tomorrow, and it's all I can think about.

I want my life back. I remember the me who had energy, a sex drive, an optimistic outlook. I was a good wife, daughter, friend. I'm not anymore. I don't talk to anyone about anything. I have nightmares because I feel like I'm losing the people I love, pushing them away with my lies and my shutting down.

I'm familiar with the Thomas Recipe and will be picking up what I need this afternoon, if I can find the energy to get dressed.

I don't expect a magic cure. "Whys" aside, I got myself into this and I can get out. But I'm so scared. I really need some people to tell me there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that it DOES begin to get better, than I CAN have me back. There has to be an other side. There wouldn't be so many success stories if there weren't. Please share yours with me. Tell me when you began to feel better. Tell me it's worth it.

[hollytabor]

I have to run and I'll hopefully come back later and remember to post more ... but if you have some time, read all my old posts.  They talk a lot about my struggles to quit and then (finally) my success!

[bama88]

Im proud of you too. Sounds like your ready to tackle this. I too had a very good friend who supplied me pills. I would buy them or trade when i was in a jam. He's my husbands friend we've known for 15 years. But i told him to never ever offer me another pill. I told him if he had any respect or love for me do not give in to me. He said ok. I broke down in front of him. Yes he's a drug dealer. But also a friend. Well i had a rough time Saturday. I tore up my closet in hopes to find a stash. I called him begging for just two oxies. He said no. Then i got myself out of the house and went to the pool.

I had major jitters while detoxing. Im 60 days clean of oxycontin. And yes i still crave from time to time. But i won't go back on the devils candy. I wanted to post to you and let you know your not alone. If there's anything i can do. I will. I want you to succeed this time. One day at a time right now. Break your days down. Craving pass. Withdrawls pass. Its better to have a bad clean day than a good high day...sending you support...bama

[HookedHousewife]

Thank you, Sara, for taking the time to respond. It means a lot to me. :P

To give you an example: On week one,  would fill my vike prescription. The 90 pills of 10/325 would last about 10 days. I would then fill my Tramadol prescription. the 60 50mg would last me about 5 days. From there, I would fill my Tylenol3 prescription, and those 60 pills would last me about a week, sometimes longer. The acetamenophin would slow me down some because it bothered my stomach. Once this cycle was done, I would be left with a week or so before I could fill my next Vicodin prescription.

All of these prescriptions are from the same doctor, filed at the same pharmacy. She originally prescribed the Vikes and Tramadol, with a mind for me to alternate, but she prescribed WAY too many. I didn't like the Tramadol at first, so I asked for T3s at first, which she gave me. I never cancelled my Tramadol prescription. As I became more addicted, I turned back to the Tramadol to "cover" between downtimes while I waited to be able to fill my other two prescriptions. As it happens, Tramadol became my drug of choice because it gave me the energy I so desperately craved.

I've done much reading and am familiar with how addictive Tramadol is, and that one of the side effects of going CT are seizures. The first time I quit CT, I spent five hours in bed with jitters. Legs and arms flailing all over the place, like my brain was backfiring. It was awful.

As I mentioned, my husband knows I've had trouble in the past, but he has NO idea what I'm dealing with now and I need to keep it that way. Perhaps I'm being idealistic, or proud (my money's on the "proud", but I want to do this myself. I don't know if I CAN, but I want to.

As it stands, I have no more refills for Vicodin or Tylenol3. Only Tramadol. I also have never gotten meds off the street, though I do have a friend who occasionally will give me a few if I'm in a tough spot. I don't want to sever my friendship with him, but I will need to sit down with him and explain that I simply cannot accept any further help (to him, it's help - he doesn't know the degree of my addiction and thinks he's alleviating my endo pain).

I hope that answers your questions.

[dominosarah]

You sound like you have a good plan.  Recovery care is very important to our well being.  I would talk to your doctor about what you are doing also.  Being honest is very important with this.  I had to tell all my doctors, dentist, pharmacist etc that i was an addict cuz i didnt want any avenues left open.  I hope at some point you can tell your husband what you have been doing.  He sounds like he will be very supportive and that is also important.  Our secrets keep us sick.  

Make sure you are drinking plenty of fluids.  You dont want to get dehydrated.  Warm baths will help the aches and pains.

[HookedHousewife]

Addendum: No one in my family knows the severity of my addiction. My husband knows I've had troubles in the past. He also knows they're like candy to me, so he actually keeps any in the house in his pocket at all times so I can't sneak any. What he doesn't know is that I've had prescriptions from my doctor for over six months, which I've kept secret. Sadly, when I don't ask him for one, he thinks I'm doing well. All it means is that I've gotten one of my secret prescriptions filled and don't need the ones he keeps on him.

Addendum #2: The amount I've been taking is 90 10/325 Vicodins per months, 60 Tylenol3's per month and 60 Tramadol 50mg per month. Each prescription lasts me a week. They're staggered so that I can refill once a week. This always leaves me with one week where I have nothing, turning me into a volatile, lethargic and anxious monster with no explanation I can/will(?) give him. He's confused and wants me to feel well, but don't understand what's going on. This feeling of futility makes him feel terrible.

Addendum #3: We have excellent insurance coverage, allowing me to see a therapist as often as needed, no cap, with only a $20 co-pay. I'll be researching this this week. I also have a doctor's appointment in Thursday. I'm interested in N.A., as well, and know of some locations close to home, but I'd like to give myself a few days before I go because, right now, I can barely make it to the bathroom without falling over.

I feel like I'm aware of many of the resources available to me. IF there are others I'm unfamiliar with, I would be delighted for you to share them with me. Thank you again. :)

[dominosarah]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

It is SO worth it to clean up your life.  You are worth it.  We have to learn to love ourselves again and that does happen.  Now here comes the questions....How much tramadol were you taking?  That really needs to be tapered down.  It can be dangerous.  Does your husband know about your addiction?  Are you getting all of this from your doctor?

You are not alone here.  We have all been in your shoes, some are just starting out while others are in recovery.  We are open 24 hrs a day, 365 days of the year so lean on us.          sara