Tired of being 'comfortably numb' (aka addicted)

[DesireToChange]

Hello everyone.  I'm new here and yesterday I finally admitted to myself that I have a problem that is no longer under my control.  It's gone on for far too long now (several years) and its cost to my life has been just immense.  My addiction is to pain killers (started with Percs & Vics and moved up to Norco (in excess of 30-40 a day).  

I realize this is bigger than me and although I got myself into it, I'm going to need more than that to get out of it so I'm trying to beat this beast intelligently so I'm preparing for the battle that is coming all too soon (I'm currently tapering in preparation of going cold turkey.  I have no history of this disease in my family and I never got involved with drugs but none the less, I stand before as someone who really fell into the trap of getting involved with something that deep down I knew was wrong but by then, it had already gripped by mind and body and controlled every thought of wanting more.

In preparation for the coming c/t detox, I've assembled a ton of things that I think will be helpful in getting through it and I wanted to start off by sharing one of them with you.  The first is the song/video below (just cut and paste the url - you know the drill)  I'm researching narcotics anonymous in my area and plan on getting involved with others locally because getting off the stuff is one thing (a tough thing!) but staying off is something else entirely.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-U2-1zyd2So

[tink1517]

i'm trying to recover from the same thing as you. you are not alone... and are at the right place for support
I watched the clip you posted.
HOW TRUE IT IS!!!!

[DesireToChange]

Tink - thanks for the (very!) prompt response.  There are so many absolutely bizzare things about this disease and one of them that is perhaps the worst (to me at least) is the incredible isolation that it brings.  The irony of course is that once you start looking into it, you are (literally) one of millions but thankfully we have resources like this board to come together and get through this hell.  

So what's your situation? Where in the process are you?  

Here's something else you might enjoy:
http://wqd.netwarriors.org/showthread.php?t=503

(I'd rather post the words here but due to the text limit of this board I cannot).

Cheers!

[tink1517]

i copied and pasted it for you, the 25 line limit is only in the question post, replys can be much longer...


I hate your meetings. I hate your 12 steps. In fact, I hate anybody who has anything to do with a recovery program. Allow me to introduce myself

[tink1517]

im 32 yrs ols and have 2 beautiful little girld 6yrs amd 10yrs. i've been dealing w/ this addiction for over 5yrs. at one point i was taking 30 lorcet 10mg a day. i had to keep them by the bed take 3-4 and wait 20min, just to get out of bed in the morning. i've detoxed twice c/t and did good for awhile both times. here's my catch, i suffer w/ chronic pain form endoetriosis and scar tissue. drs say nothing else for me but pain management. i of coarse always go back on meds in need for the pain, and its always a matter of time for i start abusing them. i did my 3rd detox c/t about 2 weeks ago, this site has been a godsend for me. so many friends and support here. when i went c/t i was taking 10-15 lorcets a day. i have taken a few vic 5mg here and there for pain, but dont consider it a failure compared to what i was taking. my goal is to retrain my mind to know the difference form "real pain" and the pain my mind creates for more pills. i dont know if i will ever get there, i'm taking it slowly "baby steps" i am my own worst enemy and if i get too hard on myself i only start this self destructive cycle all over again. keep posting here, and keep me up to date on your progress

[DesireToChange]

tink -- thanks for the info re: the reply limit.

Wow, reading your reply gave me shivers as our scenarios are so incredibly similar.  I'm within a year of you age wise and also have a beautiful little girl around the same age as your oldest.  

I got introduced into the world of pain meds also because of an injury and I am very sorry to hear of your pain.  I think you are doing extremely well!!  Just take it one day at a time.  I obviously don't have all the answers but highly encourage you to take a look at some of the literature on na.org as it can be both inspiring and a great reminder of where we've been.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed at many things I've done to feed my habit - lying to doctors, paying the insane prices (gotta have that priority overnight Saturday delivery!).

One thing that scares me is that once I get through this and get my head on straight, the first thing staring me in the face is to go and clean up this incredibly huge mess I've made over the last few years (including debt, getting back into my health, career, etc) - it's just insane how we can ignore anything and everything when our mind is focused on the single - all encompassing goal of 'getting more'

[tink1517]

your words are TRUE indeed, my financial situation is this "i have none" would rather spend my money on drs appt and rx's (i have no insurance) and yes it is insane!!! when we're addicted we are so wrapped up in how many we have left and getting more that we ignore our responsibilies. our lives have been taken over by a small little pill, innocently precribed by our dr's, and the next thing we know "we're addicts" 5 or 6 yrs ago when i started my pain magangement no told me the possibility of addiction. it wasnt ubtil about 4 yrs ago Oprah did a show about RXmeds in the average household, then next thing its all iver the t.v. it's become an epidemic!!! i wish i knew that when they 1st prescribed mine. i was so angry at my drs for so long for not telling what i was headed for, but have come to realise i am an adult and responsible for my own actions. no one made me addict, i was just nieve thats all. the blame game is a sign of an addict and i dont want to be one anymore.

[betterthanthis]

i went thru c/t and i couldn't have done it without listening to music all the sleepless nights. the group blue october- and the lyrics of their songs helped so much.they are on youtube.good luck and listen to evryone on here, good and bad,it helps.

[AddictedLovers]

LOVE blue october!!!...i cant go to sleep with out my mp3 and they are all over it...i love chris daughtry also...but then i love absolutely all music...i listen to it for the messages, and then the beat...

either going c/t today or getting into a doc for subuxone...we see what happens...

[thelida]

Hello all.  I like that addiction talking thing.  Desire, congradulations for admitting you have a problem.  Believe me I understand how hard that step is.  My boyfriend and I almost completely fell apart because he woudln't recognize he has a problem.  just a few days ago he finally admitted & now is trying to taper off.
Tink, I know taking responsibility for your addiction is important, but it's also important to remember that the pharmacutical co. takes a big part in this.  Their top concern is not really what is in the best interests of the patient, it's of course money.  If they were really concerned with the patients they wouldn't be offering doctors free vacations if they write out a certain number of scripts for their meds. Not all dr's fall victim to this "bribary", but there are a lot who do.  The pharmacutical co plays off peoples desires and weaknesses.  I can't friggin stand it!  I'm going for my PhD in some aspect of psychology, and I'm dedicating myself to many things, but one of them being a closer regulation of medications. And a better education for dr's who are too biased to look into alternative treatments, and are too quick to write out a script and then forget to monitor their patients dosage properly.
Sorry...just a bit of ranting there on my part.

[DesireToChange]

Tink - tell me about it!  I had to leave a very senior position earning well into the six figures (not bragging, just sharing) a few years back which I know in my heart was part of the long downfall of my little dance with the demon (it affected my performance, decision making ability, etc) and I know it ultimately lead to that end.  As a result, I got to experience the joys of financing my drug addiction resulting in being deep in debt which I get to look forward to paying off somehow. I'm not complaining, I did it to myself.

betterthanthis - thanks for the music mention -- I'm a HUGE music fan and former musician and a large part of my recovery is going to be using music to distract myself from the hell that I'm going to be going through.  I will definitely check them out.

One of my all time favorites (that i hope others can enjoy) - is one I heard before I ever took my first pill is by K's Choice called 'I'm not an addict' - It's not specifically about pill addiction but if we're honest with ourselves, addiction really isn't about which poison you use.

beautiful song and video found here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whEpTI6Ydb8

Another (powerful tv video version)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vk18F6o_1iQ

Lyrics:


Breath it in and breath it out
and pass it on it's almost out
We're so creative and so much more
We're high above, but on the floor

Chorus1: It's not a habit, it's cool
I feel alive
If you don't have it your on
the other side

The deeper you stick it in your vein
The deeper the thoughts there's no more pain
I'm in heaven, I'm a god
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot

Chorus2: It's not a habit, it's cool
I feel alive
If you don't have it your on
the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

Oohoo

It's over now, I'm cold, alone
I'm just a person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me
Oh, nothing means a thing to me



Free me, leave me
Watch me as I'm going down
Free me, see me
Look at me I'm falling
And I'm falling.........

It is not a habit, it is cool
I feel alive I feel.......
It is not a habit, it is cool
I feel alive


I'm not an addict, I'm not an addict, I'm not an addict.

[CATUF]

Thank you for that "I Am Your Addiction" piece.  It is very powerful.  I copied it from the site and sent it to the director of the rehab where I got clean over the summer of 2005, from a heavy (35-40 10/500's a day) hydro addiction, that was followed by 6 months of intense addiction to crack.  .

I think you are quite correct in saying "getting off the stuff is one thing (a tough thing!) but staying off is something else entirely."  Making meetings a central part of life has been critical to my Recovery.  I am 9 days away from 21 months and I generally make 6 meetings a week.  I go to the same 6 meetings, so that I am part of the group and they get to know me.  I think there is real magic in the meetings, but it doesn't seem to happen if you're essentially watching from the sidelines.

You will hear very little about it in the rooms of NA and/or AA, but I have found that treating my brain chemistry to be at least of equal importance to my Recovery. As you begin your efforts I would recommend the following books that will help in that regard:

1. End Your Addiction Now, by Charles Gant;
2. Staying Clean & Sober, by Merlene & David Miller; and
3. The Mood Cure, by Julia Ross

You might also look into the issue of PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome), which: a) almost all recovering addicts can expect; and b) knocks a great many of those seeking escape right back into the jaws of the beast. PAWS got me time after time after time.  Each time it was just as I seemed to be thinking (at 25, 30, 45, even 58 days) that I had "made it."  A good initial source about PAWS can be found at:

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

The piece at that URL is from Staying Sober: A Guide for Relapse Prevention: by Terence Gorski and Merlene Miller (although the tlctx.com site only seems to credit Gorski).  

Good Luck