Triggers suck

[needinghelp184]

Hi everyone, for those of you who are on the clean side of the fence congrats!! and keep up the work it motivates people like me who are despratley fighting to regain their life, family and happiness back.. Before i started doing pain meds i rememeber of always having people around me like they gravitated to me.. Since my usage has gotten out of hand in the last 2 years i am basicly alone even when in a crowd.. i feel i have become a slave to my own mind!!! so many things are triggering me to break my taper, but i have not, the emotions are really starting to kick in i woke up this morning throwing up feeling like crap.. i waited till my taper time was allowed and took the right amount acording to my taper.. i am tapering from 3 drugs at once and no longer are doing hydros , i ran out a few days ago.. today is probably the worst day i have had so far with this tapering.. My mom called and knows what i am going through, this is the first year i  have been alive and my kids have been alive that we all have not been together for christmas.. its been a rough year for money.. My gf is still using on a regular she isnt doing it in front of me, but just knowing by looking at her all happy being a ***** about everything shes high as a kite,, (if that makes sense to anyone)... anyways just wanted to vent a little.. get this off my chest so i can get on with my recovery..  I may need to relook at my taper and adjust it a bit.. today is really bad.. so i planned on staying with taper but not going to drop another 1/2 pill or adding another hr between doses today but at least another 10-15 minutes extra.. and sticking to the dose im at now 6 oxy 30 mg a day. sorry for such a negative post.. and may all of you have a blessed day stay strong..

[evolv]

How are you doing, man? We are all wishing you the best, stay close to us - you inspire me and I'm sure a lot of others. You're in my thoughts, man. Hang on.

[Pat1956100]

Just checking in.  How did you make out at your doctor's appt?

[needinghelp184]

im glad i found this place too. Im glad you found this site too.. people with compassion and honesty are hard to find..

  people do change once the opiates take over their life.. my gf thinks she has not changed at all since she started doing pills... she actually thinks she is doing better cause she can work more.. i plan on recording her one morning and play it back for her at a later time .. i think if she heard herself she would  understand what i mean when i say" you have changed to her"...  i had someone record one of my tempertamptrums once ,, she played it back for me i was like omfg!!! i  said that... i said a lot of things i didnt even rememeber. i was very embarssed by my actions even the tone of my voice was totaly not me.. since then ive learned to pray and vent that way. being able to write out what im going through helps too.. lol sorry for the ramble ... i hope you are having a good day/night thank you for your compasssion, keep your head up , stay strong .  

[Katya5555]

hugs to you. It's unfortunate that this is the way we meet, but I'm so glad you're here. I've been hiding my drugs from my boyfriend for the past 24 hours. I feel like **** and your posts just help me feel a bit more connected. I don't think this is making any sense, I just wanted to say hi and I'm so glad to see your posts.

[needinghelp184]

thank you  for understanding... i am going to adjust my taper by just staying here till i level off..  Being focused on myself is a first , i have always been the go to guy for my family .. having to tell them that this christmas i just cant surrvive another one.. the pressure that is put on me at christmas well most the time is crazy...  i do have problem of being my own worse criticand beating up on myself.. im working on being more nice to myself so i can be more nice to those around.. i realize only power i have been given in this situation is the power of change.. changing the way i think about being so co dependent on my gf for 20 yrs has me seeing that only i can change myself .. there is no miracle cure for these problems i have.. most of them are created by myself.. so in short im learning not to be own worst enemy anymore.. i humbly thank all of you for the support and all your thoughts.. my brain is a bit scrambled to adress each and all of your post..but believe me they all hit home..  

[rubber_duck_bisket_in_the_poolwhynow265]

You are doing great!  A taper is just that... if you are feeling REALLY BAD, perhaps you are leaping too far. Depending on the amount of pills you have left/available, I would re-work your taper plan a little. For me, I will jump any day, as the taper is like a very long. painful process... on the body and mind.  We're all here for you!  YOU CAN do it.

[IBKleen]

WOW..I can't believe all that you are going through. Hang in there buddy and stay on track. Keep posting. Keep talking.

[OpenMind24hours]

I absolutely hear you about your GF using. That hit home with me and makes a ton of sense. My wife has a script for Hydro. She doesn't say anything when she takes it, but i can tell because, at 68 days clean, I keep looking for it in her. She doesn't abuse and she needs the script. She can also drink a glass or two of wine at night which doesn't bother me. But Hydro changes her in a different way, which most of the time gets to me. Hydro became my major DOC. I know I need to give up looking at what she's doing and work on looking only at me (so my NA sponsor says) but it's not that easy at first. As addicts we're perpetual works in progress and I'm just hoping for progress, not perfection.

You keep fighting the fight! Never give up. The miracle is just around the corner NeedingHope. Together we can all get and stay clean. Getting clean alone is a hard thing to accomplish, especially watching someone else using. So keep on posting, reading and forever getting with others in recovery.

[Pat1956100]

You were on a ton of pills and actually still are so just go nice and slow.
You shouldn't have to suffer that much with a proper taper.
Make sure you are staying hydrated and eating.

Hugs
Pat

[toothfairie]

hey there.....sorry to hear you won't be with your kids....but just remember they are getting a clean and healthy dad to have Christmas with them from now on!!  one Christmas to be sick is worth it to have the rest healthy and clean from the drugs.....i missed Thanksgiving with my son cuz i was going thru WDs....so i know how you feel.....but you will feel so much better soon....you can have all the time you want with them then....keep the faith and hope you feel better soon!!  just keep posting and letting us know how you are doing!  and don't let anyone stand in your way of your goals!!  :)

[NeedingHope4Me]

Never ever feel bad for venting i am a pro venter ;)

You are doing amazing don't beat yourself up it IS HARD WORK..but let me tell you I came off some super duper heavy stuff and was in your shoes with feeling like I lost everyone..I am a people person and have no one anymore..This month I will finally have a friend here..I am 20 days off Fentanyl 3 100 MG and Oxy's or Dilaudid for breakthough pain..It was hell but I am now so happy i did it and you will be too..Life clean is soo worth the horrible crap getting there I promise..Feel free to vent all you need that's where we are here for!!

[maria920]

Hey! Everyone needs to vent sometimes!!!  I remember in the beginning I NEVER had good days but then things started to look brighter! I never thought it would happen . About Christmas I'm sorry ur not going to b with ur kids. But if u stick to ur taper and keep doing what ur doing u will cone out on top!!! What are u tapering from right now? From reading posts abt ppl being on different things I was under the impression tht I should taper 1 at a time. Is there any reason ur doing it all at the same time? I am a heroin addict and I chose to go the route of suboxone bc it was impossible to taper with tht and having two very active children at home. I promise things will get better!!! Good luck!