Aa
can't even get started
I feel like such a failure. I had great intentions to start tapering off oxys and if anythign I took more. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get started on this, I can't even get past 12 hours. I don't have access to suboxone, being from Canada. I have some vitamins from the thomas recipe but we don't even have L-Tyrosine here. I hate these pills so much but can't live without them. I have to do this on my own, there's no one I can tell. How does anyone ever get the courage or the guts to actually do this?
Can't you order L-Tyrosine on-line? GNC has it at http://www.gnc.com/search/index.jsp?kwCatId=&kw=l-tyrosine&origkw=l-tyrosine&sr=1
You might try the book END YOUR ADDICTION NOW, by Charles Gant. He has detailed amino acid/nutrient programs. If you just take several short (15-20 question0 quizes you'll find out exactly what you need to take
CATUF
You might try the book END YOUR ADDICTION NOW, by Charles Gant. He has detailed amino acid/nutrient programs. If you just take several short (15-20 question0 quizes you'll find out exactly what you need to take
CATUF
You can turn to a husband or wife, mother or dad?
Trying to fight addiction on your own is very hard.......
Trying to fight addiction on your own is very hard.......
There is nothing that anyone has said that has made me more determined than your message. It's amazing what we have accomplished in our lifetimes but this.......this nightmare of addiction to oxys is the most challenging, difficult, nightmarish thing I've ever come across. it does seem impossible. I have 50 20 mg oxys left. I've tried to taper before and that doesnt really work. I tried flushing the rest of them down the toilet last week and I was out getting more within a day. I still haven't figured out what the best way to go is. What did you do? I'm new to this forum and not quite sure how it all works yet. Is there a way I can talk to you directly without posting? or is it better to do it this way?
sorry, fingers got happy. yes, we are both professionals with a full time career, family and stressors that feed into this nightmare. we should know better but this addiction is so incredibly life altering and very controlling. you are in the right direction, even though you do not feel that way. remember that many of us have relapsed multiple times before accomplishing even a small goal. give yourself that one week, one week to get past the part that seems scary and impossible and you will have the ammunition you need to continue. i know you can do this, i am pulling hard for you. i know exactly how you feel. and i know exactly how you can feel 60 days later. just think how hot you will look when you are clean:)
It's good to hear. You are the same age as I am, good to hear that eventually you can get better. I know how it feels to look in the mirror and not even recognize yourself. I'm all swollen and puffy every day, I break out all the time and my hair seems to be falling out. I've always been pretty concerned with my appearance but now I just throw on the closest things I can find.
I want my life back, my looks back, this addiction is worse than the cancer I was dealing that started this whole problem.
I'll need all the help I can get here. Thanks for replying.
I want my life back, my looks back, this addiction is worse than the cancer I was dealing that started this whole problem.
I'll need all the help I can get here. Thanks for replying.
taper did not work for me at all. if they are there i will eat them. we all fail, please do not be so hard on yourself. you just need the time off to deal with this. there will always be an excuse to take the oxy. savas is so right. it seems impossible and scary but i am nearing 60 days? approx and i feel so much better. it gets better everyday, even the energy is returning. and i don't look like i have the terminal illness that i had. i looked so horrible just before i quit. i knew as a nurse that i was going to die if i did not stop. i thought i would die if i did but i knew i would if i did not. the drive was unbelievable. you have it in you. i can tell you want it as badly as the rest of us. alexandra said it, you are in the process and look at all the support here. even if you have no one to share with in real life, i did not either. you can come here and talk.
I feel the same way you do. I found about myself anyway that if I really want to do something I can.
Sometimes we can even surprise ourselves. You can do this. I have a gut feeling.
Dove
Sometimes we can even surprise ourselves. You can do this. I have a gut feeling.
Dove
NO, I don't have clonidine either, just the vitamins. Canada is so different from the states, it's not as easy to get some meds, but NO problem getting opiates.
I get your "picture" and you are so right. It actaully made me laugh which is the first time in weeks. Thanks for that.
I get your "picture" and you are so right. It actaully made me laugh which is the first time in weeks. Thanks for that.
How do I talk to you off this forum? Sorry. I am new to this. Congrats on the day 6, can't imagine how good that must feel.
Do you have the clonidine? (BP medication). It's a main ingredient.
The fact is, if you can't take the time off (at the very least, an *emotional* vacation, then you won't probably be able to stop. I can picture it now;
(You) "I'm only going to take "x" pills today..but wait, gotta see the dentist at 9am, then get to he school and do the scheduling for the week, so I'll need to take something for that...and I've got that teacher evaluation at 12pm, and I've GOT to look *normal* for that...can't have them knowing...so I'll have to take another...and I've got to deal with that kid's parents who filed a complaint and I'd better take two if I don't want to snap and loose my cool...etc..."
THIS is the kind of stuff that makes it impossible.
The fact is, if you can't take the time off (at the very least, an *emotional* vacation, then you won't probably be able to stop. I can picture it now;
(You) "I'm only going to take "x" pills today..but wait, gotta see the dentist at 9am, then get to he school and do the scheduling for the week, so I'll need to take something for that...and I've got that teacher evaluation at 12pm, and I've GOT to look *normal* for that...can't have them knowing...so I'll have to take another...and I've got to deal with that kid's parents who filed a complaint and I'd better take two if I don't want to snap and loose my cool...etc..."
THIS is the kind of stuff that makes it impossible.
You sound alot like me friend, I can't have the pills around or I will eat them. I am only on day 6, so I am not out of the woods yet, but today is WORLDS better than a couple of days ago. If you are ready to make a go of it c/t and can't find some L-Tyrosine, I will send it to you. Just send me a message off the forum.
thanks for the kind words. yes, i am the principal and can't take more than a couple fo days off, even that is going to be a problem as I sit here and look at my schedule. I've tried the taper plan so many times, but if i have them, i take them and now that I've decided that I'm going to quit, it's just an excuse to take more. I can't win!
I really have no one to tell. My husband is my very best friend in the whole world but I just can't handle disappointing him again. He thinks I've handled this medication so well and I've lied to him so many times. He finally trusts me again, and I may just lose him if he finds out I've been lying to him all of this time. I can't handle losing him, not now!
It's hard to be kind to yourself when you've been so stupid and lied so much to all of the people that you love the most. Becasue of my position at work, I have to be very careful who knows about this, I've never been able to trust anyone that didn't "talk". I'm not sure if I even should be posting this kind of information while I'm at work.
I just feel so confused about thsi whole thing, nothing has ever controlled me like this drug.
I really have no one to tell. My husband is my very best friend in the whole world but I just can't handle disappointing him again. He thinks I've handled this medication so well and I've lied to him so many times. He finally trusts me again, and I may just lose him if he finds out I've been lying to him all of this time. I can't handle losing him, not now!
It's hard to be kind to yourself when you've been so stupid and lied so much to all of the people that you love the most. Becasue of my position at work, I have to be very careful who knows about this, I've never been able to trust anyone that didn't "talk". I'm not sure if I even should be posting this kind of information while I'm at work.
I just feel so confused about thsi whole thing, nothing has ever controlled me like this drug.
Hello!
Please have some compassion for yourself, please! Just about every single person who is now clean in this world has had numerous attempts to get clean before they finally made it. Personally, I started trying to get clean about 3 months after my first shot of heroin. I used for a decade. In one particularly bad year, I attempted detox some 15 times, both in facilities and at home. And I think I am fairly representative of the course that active addiction takes. Let me add that overdoes, homelessness, shame and my parents grief, just to name a few, didn't stop me. It is horrible thing, and sometimes the apprach needs to be step wise.
May I suggest that rather than beating yourself up, you turn it around, just like that chap Edison: that's not a failure, he said, that's just one more way I know how not to make a lightbulb. With every attempt that doesn't follow through, learn something about your addiction, your circumstances, your self. Observe the words that your cravings use to get you to take a pill - and next time you will maybe be able to chat back to that gremlin. Observe what physically felt the worst - and lets see what ideas this forum has to help minimise that particular symptom. Observe what time of day is hardest - and come up with ways to get through that for next time. And so on....
Another thing, if you are who I think I wrote to before (principal of a school, can't take more than a couple of days off, kiddies of your own, no one knows? - if this is not you, i apologise LOL but the advice might still apply) - if I remember, you made the decision quite abruptly, you were running out and decided not to get any more? While sometimes this works, other times a period of preparation may be necessary. Perhaps you need to set a date in the near future, and in the meantime work on your attitude, your faith, make practical arrangements, see if you can get more time off etc. I have chosen to wait til mid novermeber after my uni exams are finished, simply bec to cold turkey in the middle of semseter would not work for me. Until then, I am getting ready in mind, body and spirit - establishing contacts here, going to AA/NA meetings, back in counselling and so on.
Another option is to taper - design yourself a taper plan and cut down gradually. I can't say much about this because this doen't work for me, I become a greedy pig, but it has worked for some - ask on this forum.
And finally, while I totally understand that this is a hard one for you, is there anyone at all that you know whom you could tell and get support from? For me, for a long time, pride ego fear and shame all mixed together made me not say a word to anyone, and while I stayed quiet, I failed time and time again to stop using. I finally said it here on the board, then to my counsellor, and then realised I must tell at least one friend - and I did, just one person, and it has been the turning point. It need not be your husband at first - friend? distant relative? discreet colleague? kind acquaintance? I don't know why this makes a difference, but it really does - I think it has some of that human affiliative quality about it, that we are not built to live in isolation (and that can be spiritual or emotional isolation) and sharing the burden gives a sense of reconnection and strength. At any rate, maybe just open your mind to the possibility, and see if any face pops into you mental picture. And in the meantime, use this board.
Phew, what a post - can you tell I am procrastinating on my exam study LOL! I mean sincerely every word above, be as kind to yourself as I am sure you would be if one of your students or friends or family came to you and said "I am in the grip of an opiate addcition - help"
And by the way, you ARE getting the courage and guts to actually do this getting clean business- THIS is the actual doing it, its a process, not a one off event. And you are doing it :-)
Alex xx
Please have some compassion for yourself, please! Just about every single person who is now clean in this world has had numerous attempts to get clean before they finally made it. Personally, I started trying to get clean about 3 months after my first shot of heroin. I used for a decade. In one particularly bad year, I attempted detox some 15 times, both in facilities and at home. And I think I am fairly representative of the course that active addiction takes. Let me add that overdoes, homelessness, shame and my parents grief, just to name a few, didn't stop me. It is horrible thing, and sometimes the apprach needs to be step wise.
May I suggest that rather than beating yourself up, you turn it around, just like that chap Edison: that's not a failure, he said, that's just one more way I know how not to make a lightbulb. With every attempt that doesn't follow through, learn something about your addiction, your circumstances, your self. Observe the words that your cravings use to get you to take a pill - and next time you will maybe be able to chat back to that gremlin. Observe what physically felt the worst - and lets see what ideas this forum has to help minimise that particular symptom. Observe what time of day is hardest - and come up with ways to get through that for next time. And so on....
Another thing, if you are who I think I wrote to before (principal of a school, can't take more than a couple of days off, kiddies of your own, no one knows? - if this is not you, i apologise LOL but the advice might still apply) - if I remember, you made the decision quite abruptly, you were running out and decided not to get any more? While sometimes this works, other times a period of preparation may be necessary. Perhaps you need to set a date in the near future, and in the meantime work on your attitude, your faith, make practical arrangements, see if you can get more time off etc. I have chosen to wait til mid novermeber after my uni exams are finished, simply bec to cold turkey in the middle of semseter would not work for me. Until then, I am getting ready in mind, body and spirit - establishing contacts here, going to AA/NA meetings, back in counselling and so on.
Another option is to taper - design yourself a taper plan and cut down gradually. I can't say much about this because this doen't work for me, I become a greedy pig, but it has worked for some - ask on this forum.
And finally, while I totally understand that this is a hard one for you, is there anyone at all that you know whom you could tell and get support from? For me, for a long time, pride ego fear and shame all mixed together made me not say a word to anyone, and while I stayed quiet, I failed time and time again to stop using. I finally said it here on the board, then to my counsellor, and then realised I must tell at least one friend - and I did, just one person, and it has been the turning point. It need not be your husband at first - friend? distant relative? discreet colleague? kind acquaintance? I don't know why this makes a difference, but it really does - I think it has some of that human affiliative quality about it, that we are not built to live in isolation (and that can be spiritual or emotional isolation) and sharing the burden gives a sense of reconnection and strength. At any rate, maybe just open your mind to the possibility, and see if any face pops into you mental picture. And in the meantime, use this board.
Phew, what a post - can you tell I am procrastinating on my exam study LOL! I mean sincerely every word above, be as kind to yourself as I am sure you would be if one of your students or friends or family came to you and said "I am in the grip of an opiate addcition - help"
And by the way, you ARE getting the courage and guts to actually do this getting clean business- THIS is the actual doing it, its a process, not a one off event. And you are doing it :-)
Alex xx
it is soooooo hard, especially the obsession. I don't have too long clean, still withdrawing to an extent. One thing that keeps me clean (besides meetings EVERY day) is thinking about the fact that, if I relapse, I have to go through this ****** feeling again. We basically torture ourselves. That's what our disease wants; it wants us miserable and then dead. But if we use the tools given to us through Narcotics Anonymous, there is courage and hope to be had. Hang in there, and if you stop taking them and then do some again, IT'S O.K., just try again. PROGRESS not PERFECTION. None of us is perfect. Hang in there, you are where you should be.....
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