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Why am I addicted to everything I like?

I was heavily addicted to opiates for 6 years.  I've been clean for a year and very grateful. The problem is now when I find something I like its like I'm addicted to that. Like a certain food,downloading songs on the internet, or when I have any extra money I spend it on something "I have to have" but of course really don't. I used to be able to balance and control these things. Once you cross that imaginary line into addiction,does it apply to everything? Is is mental or physiological?
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hey you, out there in the cold...

i send you strength and love.

yesterday i talked to a friend about my heroin/coke experiences.
and the cravings hit me strong. been off the dirty street powder for just a few months and it scared me, this rush i got only from imagining and picturing how it'd be to... and how much i would feel now that my tolerance is down again...

i will not let myself down now. nope, no dope for me for now.
(even didnt smoke herb for a week)

you know its getting better after some weeks, the feeling comes back and the energy. i enjoy to feel myself again,
centered almost within myself.
i think of it less even.
but now that my memories of the bad sides fade so quickly i get weaker of will.
i forget, i wouldnt have thought that i'd forget this soon,
the cramps, the diarrhea, the sweat, the shaking, the big black hole inside of me... do i really want this again ???
just one more fix, right ? one more time for the last time,
one more time for release ?
NO, sucker, lets live a little !

I read your posts and i am glad you are there.
there is a place in my heart that is filling up to spill with so much love for my friends out there that dont know me but do too.

i send you strength and trust to all corners of the earth.

let the sun shine in, god is blessing me each day just like he blesses you as he watches us all with unconditional love.

thank you for helping me stay strong. thanks.

>>>oh, does anybody know of a drug-related-but-serious-chatroom ? i'd like to talk to you.

cheers from berlin.
rob: out.
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I too would like to know of a drug related chat room.  My email is ***@**** and I think I am on the buddy/messenger system.  I am new to the website.  I have been and well still am for the next few days addicted to herion.  I am going to try the Thomas recipe witha few add in like vico,darvocet, and flexeral(i don't ahndle pain too well) but I just bought all the vitams and such tonite.  I'm scared though.  I've been thru it before and I know how much it sucks.  I promised myself I would never  ever get my self in this situation and after like 6 or 7 years I started again.  Fitsrt with Vicidens and then decided with the anount of $$ these cost in TJ I could be getting really high adn doing dope for half the price.   But it isn't cheaper and it is way worse.  I have horrrible veins so some nite I sit in the bathroon digging and searghing for hours for a vein.   So now I have some nice tract marks on my hands feet and arms.   My hands are practically purple sometimes.  

Well I hope this Thomas recipe works...it's reaally just the time,  Time is not on your side for the first week.  You hate seeing the sun come up and no you have a whole nother day to kill laying on the couch wanting to sleep but can't and nothing is good or fun.  Movies suck, favorite foods suck..the telephone is a most dreaded sound.  and all you can do is wait and hope.  

And the worst part is that you brought it on yourself..you have no $$ and usually owe a ton of $$ ..bills are all overdue and by the tiem you get a job and get that first check it will still seeem like forever.  so here you sit just going over and over this until your anxiety is at it's highest and you just need something to take your mind off of all this.  

Wow I can't believe I am venting or whining so much.  I hope I can drag myself to the computer and have some emails or some comments or anything to keep my mind off the pain.  

Well I hope to hear from some of you and would love to find a chat room...maybe this web site could set one up??

Thanks for your time and for reading my rambling
socalgirl
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Did you try the Thomas Recipe?
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Oops also are you on white H or tar....and may I ask if you are in Richmond cause that is where I got into alot of   the white H...it seemed to be everywhere...although there were methadone clinics there and I tell ya out here in San Diego no one knows if any methadone clinics and you must have to know some special people to find one ...not that I think that is a good way to go but it is an option anyway
We do have one good thing..there is this guy who must be funded by some guy who used to have an opiate problem and now is very wealthy he offers free utensils and I mean everything...cottons,alcohol swabs..rigs by the hundred..proper conatiner(the biohazard ones), cookers, tornicut, and an OD kit with something you shoot into the persons muscle and they come around and go into withdrawal but it saves the police from getting invloved etc.    The guy is an angel.  he even comes to your home...I think it's great cause there is no reusing and bleaching of rigs and less chance of infections and disease.....
there I go again rambling..just nice to talk with someone as I sit here and dread the future days...
socalgirl
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I am surprised that there is not many meth clinics in your area. I thought they were in all big cities. Anyways, it is probable a godsend because if i had known back then how hard it was to come off meth, I would have never gotten on! I think it should be a last resort for someone.  I know it has saved many lives, but it needs to be a very last resort.  If you only go on for a short period like a meth detox program that is ok.  But if you choose to go on maintenance then choose to only be on for a year or two.If that! The longer you are on it the harder it is to get it out of your system. My opinion only ( from expereience).

Sharon
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No I never have done herion although I understand that Fentanyl (duragesic) is practically the same as heroin. I was on a 100 microgram patch for a year.

I didnt do the Thomas Recipe, just took a multi vitamin each day as I wasnt eating much.

This is day 6 and Im feeling better but still lethargic. It was easier than I thought though. No runs or sweats, just felt lousy and had trouble sleeping.

Hang in there, you can do this.

God Bless

DM
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Hey, where ya been?

Rex
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I think i'm going to go to a NA meeting tonight. I'm going to call after work and see if there even is one tonight. Does anybody have any "NA Advice" for me? I've never been to a meeting before, what should I expect? Wish me luck....

-Anthony
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TJ? $7.00 a pill the last time I heard. There are meth clinics up my way in Long Beach CA. but I believe like previously posted, it should be the LAST RESORT. Substituting one drug for another can be very dangerous. I wont lie & say I know what you're feeling because my drug of choice has always been the VICODIN ES. I've never gone near H or anything illegal. My philosiphy is you need to do whatever it takes to get clean & be COMPLETELY honest with yourself at all times. If you're REALLY ready to be clean then you'll get clean...however you need to. If it requires methadone, just be prepared because in my opinion, you're prolonging the inevitable...withdrawls. I've read a lot of horror stories here about methadone withdrawls & they seem just as bad if not worse than the heroin stories. But please do what you need to do to get clean. I am in no way condeming methadone clinics. I think if you go in being honest with yourself the entire time, it probably works great. But being an addict, I know that being honest is extremely hard to do. Just the other side of the coin; I've also read a lot of GREAT success stories regarding methadone. A great deal of strength is needed for any path we choose to get clean & I applaude all of those jumping head first into the world of sobriety.
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You had said that you were on Fentanyl & it was close to the same as heroin. What exactly is this patch. My Mother just went to a pain management doctor last week after her orthopedic surgeon recomended that she needs a stronger pain med than the Vicodin ES that she had taken...responisibly (3 to 4 pills a day for about 9 years...isn't THAT amazing?) I believe that the Fentanyl was one of the meds the doc recomended but I was unable to find any info on this. (I may have been spelling it wrong) He also mentioned oxy, methadone & a slew of others.

My Mom has digentitive disc disease in her back, carpul tunnel in both hands, two rebuilt hips & a bunch of other problems. To top all of this off, she has had numerous pulminary embalisms & 3 strokes so she can NEVER have surgery again due to the fact that she must take blood thinners to keep any more blood clots from happening or the existing ones from causing blockages or strokes.

Any info you have on this or the others would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks,
FINISHED...
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Bungee7,
At NA meetings, you don't have to speak.  There is usually a speaker...who goes through the steps and the traditions.  Then they ask someone (preselected usually) to get up and tell their story.  After that...people who have been sober for 24 hours, 1 month, 3 months etc...have the opportunity to get up and get a medallion in recognition of their success.  Just sit and listen to what others are saying.  I personally feel uplifted when i leave.  It helps to know that we are not alone in this battle.  If nothing else...knowing this makes my life a whole lot easier.  
Good Luck!
Let us know how it goes.
Catherine
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Bungee7,
At NA meetings, you don't have to speak.  There is usually a speaker...who goes through the steps and the traditions.  Then they ask someone (preselected usually) to get up and tell their story.  After that...people who have been sober for 24 hours, 1 month, 3 months etc...have the opportunity to get up and get a medallion in recognition of their success.  Just sit and listen to what others are saying.  I personally feel uplifted when i leave.  It helps to know that we are not alone in this battle.  If nothing else...knowing this makes my life a whole lot easier.  
Good Luck!
Let us know how it goes.
Catherine

Rex,
Thanks for the personal insights.  I have learned a lot from your posts, and look forward to more.  I love him soo much more now than i ever did...which scares me...because i wonder...if i didn't love him this much before....why did i marry him?  Don't get me wrong i am soo glad i did...but looking back...he was on pills, and wasn't there for me at all....and yet something still told me to do it...and i am glad i listened.  He is completely different in the way he treats and reacts to me.  Even his kiss feels different...like he is actually kissing me...not just going through the motions.  Hard to explain.  Just know that i am happy.  I am glad you and your wife are happy too.
Thanks again
Catherine
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Hey,

Thanks for the info. I called and I am going to my first meeting tomorrow. I will let you all know how it goes...


-Anthony
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Kinda lends creedence to the saying "All things happen for a reason".

My unbelievably kind and loving spouse is just amazing to me now. She was amazing before, but you really start to look upon the heart of a person who is there helping you despite the fact that you don't deserve it.

More views from the addicts point of view for you, if you can stomach it...

I take full responsibility for getting into Vicodin hell. I mean, let's face it, when you're taking 4 at a time, you know your are not doing it for pain!

Having said that, I will say that once you are in a little, your reasoning and common sense are affected a little. Then your are in deeper, and your reasoning is affected more deeply. Once your are in "full", the very thing that can get you out - a clear mind and strong will - is fully affected by the drugs, and at least for me, was damaged and unable to "win" the battle of addiction. I would have never in my wildest dreams thought I would end up in the state that I did.

The main thing that I lost while on the painkillers was the happiness that was always part of me, and that I am still searching for at 46 days out! I hate depression more than anything and I have found a new appreciation for folks who battle this monster daily - he's strong!

But, having had drug problems as a kid in Miami, and alcohol problems later, one great thing that came out of this experience is this - I will explain in full detail to all three of my boys (13, 11, and 7) what a catastrophic mistake drug and alcohol use is. You must see this from the underside to understand it, I think. One guy I like - Bill Oreilly - puts it this way "When a child does drugs for the first time, something inside the child dies, he is never the same again". In my experience, this is absolutely true.

And so it comes down to this. Although I have the greatest God in the world, and my life is more or less awesome, I can;t have a really good time unless I am wasted on something! This is a habit I know I learned while hanging with my friends in Miami as a young adult. What I wouldn't pay to have an UNDO command for certain parts of my life! But then I wouldn't be here, learning all I am and hopefully growing in some way.

I want an ice cold Heineken. I want a tall Barcardi and coke - double. I want 4.5 Norcos. I want a Samuel Adams Octoberfest in the dark bottle with a frosted mug and a cheeseburger.

I am learning that all of the above are nothing but lies of life, promising short term happiness but delivering a lengthy bout with hell!

I want to be a good dad. A good husband. A good Christian. A good employee. A good person.

If I skip the first group, God will give me the second. That seems fair. No one said I have to like it. I am just praying that one day soon I will...

Thanks for being the other side of the coin for us chemical kids!

Rex
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Just read your above post; thanks for speaking from the heart, as you always do.  I'm so glad you have a supportive spouse, and your great kids, and I feel like you are grateful for them, too!  It's a lesson I'm trying to learn, to be grateful; but it isn't easy, you know?  You are "da man", Mr. Rex.  A work in progress, yes?  My wish and prayer for you is that you'll get that natural state of happiness back you miss so much. Somehow I think you'll achieve it.  Love/Peace, Lisabet
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Thanks. I am praying and so it is in God's hands...

Thanks for your support. Im having a few down days here - I picked up that "crud" cold that everyone has out here and its knocking me out...

Tomorrow is another day....where I am not running on the Vicodin treadmill!

Freedom feels good!

Lisabet, as always thanks and let me know if I can help in any way.

REx
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Rex..awesome post man!  Your honesty is inspiring!  You know it is this battle and the growth it has fostered in your soul that makes u who u are today!
Lizbet..Your kind remarks and thoughts and feedback are wut this board is all about!  
Love,
Suzie
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GREAT posts man...You gave me the goosebumps. You now have me in your corner praying as well for your natural happiness. That's the VERY LEAST I could do for you my friend. We have Bible Study tonight & I'll be sure to include you in the prayer group.

FINISHED!!
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Fentanyle (try looking for "duragesic," same thing) is a patch that lasts for 72 hours. It provides a steady dose of painkiller.  Its nice in that you dont have to worry about missing a dose, although they may cause skin iritation and have a habit of coming lose when doing heavy work. I liked it, you even woke up with no pain.

However.. according to the chart MrMicheal sent me

http://www.globalrph.com/narcotic.htm

my 100 microgram patch was the same as five (or 10? how long does an  Oxycontin 40 last, anyway) OC 40s a day, or 600 milligrams of oral morphine a day (if Im reading it right). Heh. Well, I did ask for it :)

Check the chart out, see if it jibes with what your doc says. They come in 25, 50 and 100 microgram sizes. They are POTENT, trust me.

Its now day 7 and Im feeling pretty good, went to work. I did cheat, copped some klonopine 1 mg and Somas to relax me and help me sleep. Klonopin is a benzo (like valium I believe) and Soma is a muscle relaxer that knocks me right out. Probably helps with RLS too, as mine has subsuded.

If youre in cronic pain, the patch may be a good idea, only have to worry about it every 3 days.. as long as it stays on.

If you want more info, let me know.

Good luck and God Bless
DM
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This is somethings Ive not really seen in preparations for WDing from whatever.. besides the Thomas Recipe (if you so choose) another thing to make sure you have is stuff like paper plates and cups, instant soup (the kind you heat and serve out of the same comtainer), microwaveable breakfasts and suppers (same thing, heat and serve in the same container).. anything to lesson the work load.. you will NOT want to cook or wash dishes.. Maybe get a load or two of laundy ahead.

The less you have to do, the happier (well.. less miserable) you will be if youre anything like me.

Just a thought.

Good luck everyone!
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Hi guys. I live in Ft. Lauderdale but I know Melbourne and Miami well. My mom lives in Vero and I went to rehab at South Miami hospital. Rex have you heard of Calvery Chapel in Ft. Lauderdale?
That's my church.
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South Miami hospital if I recall used to be Children's Hospital right? Right near the UM. I was born in that hospital, after which they shut it down ;-)

Small world.

Rex
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I spent the best 12 years of my life in S. Florida.  I still have family down there near Pompano Beach.  I lived last, out in Sunshine Ranches, in Davie.  Ohhh, how I miss home.  My dream to is one day live in the Ft. Lauderdale area again and to go dancing at the Davie Junction one more time. I'm friends with the owners of that club and miss going there. (Of course I'd have to drag my hubby there kicking and screaming, he hates country music. LOL.)

You guys are making me tear up here just thinking of home and how much I miss it.  There is just no comparison between Florida and Phoenix, even though I have heard many say they are similar.  I don't find that to be true at all.  It's way too dry out here, I miss that humidity that warms you and the salt air that is so healing.

If ya get up to Pompano Beach and walk along it one day soon Lifeisbetter, think of me and find a pretty shell and take it home. That was always one of my favorite beaches (except for the best of all being Sanibel Island, of course) to go shell hunting.  I think I still have some Sanibel stoop in me even to this day. Heh.
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Can anyone help me with the question that I asked two posts above? The basic question is how do Darvocet and Ultracet compare? I appreciate any information. Thanks and God Bless.
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Miami is truly like another country for the most part, which in and of iteslef isn't that bad. But it was a rough area to grow up.

Atlanta is no better.

San Diego, in spanish, means "place where you want to move if you can afford it". ;-)

I love it here, so much to do. Wanna here something funny. I live about 20 miles south of Norco. I was driving on the 15 freeway one day about two months ago, thinking of what else Norco, when I relaized I was in Norco! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sometimes I wonder is someone on Satan's staff has my number!

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I lived in El Cajon in the mid 70's for about a year.  I got into San Diego quite often.  It was a great place back then I know to live.  Beautiful there, almost as pretty as Florida to me.

I have a friend who is a truck driver and I sometimes hitch rides with him when he gets loads to L.A. or San Diego area and back thru Phoenix.  Who knows, maybe he will get a load that way soon and we can do lunch.  I love meeting internet friends and have met many of them in person over the years.

That is just too funny about Narco.  I didn't know there was a town by that name in that area. LOL.
------
Off-topic

Rex, my hubby runs a theology forum, we are Calvinists, and I thought you might enjoy reading it or even posting there sometime. If you'd like info on it, feel free to drop me an email and I'll send you the details. I've seen by your posts how much you love God. ***@****
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I am glad you have fond memories of So Florida - I do too. Of course that was when it was South Florida. For me personally, you could not drag me back to south florida to live with a million dollar a year job! I mean that.

It is way to hot
There are too many bugs that can stand flat footed and look out the window
Too much volient crime
Traffic is a nightmare - almost as bad as Atlanta


Great beaches though and lots of fishing and snorkeling!

My vote for best place I have ever been

1. Kanaapali shores - Maui
2. Cancun
3. San Diego/Temecula- where I live now, only by God's grace ;-)

Love those memories though. I must remind myself that going back to a place does not mean going back to a time...

Sanibel ISland is very cool though!

Rex
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O.K., you did it, you mentioned the bugs of Florida.  I just HAVE to tell you this story.  One of the places I lived when I was there, was in an older house in Hollywood, near Sheridan and I-95. (The area wasn't too bad back then, like it is now.)

I was single, so when I was home I was online in IRC chatting with my friends. (If you aren't aware of it I own an IRC network.) I had this one palmetto bug that would come out daily near where I had my  'puter set up.  Little critter would just dare me to chase him, which I did, but never could catch him like I did the others that got in on occasion.  He got bolder and bolder, till he finally would crawl up the table I had my computer on, walk across it, and plop himself next to my keyboard and wait there till I would stop typing and pet him. Now bugs don't bother me, but I never thought in my life I'd end up making friends with a palmetto bug! (For those who have never seen one, they look like a BIG roach about an inch to two inches in length.)

When I knew I was moving out of that place, the night before, when he came out to get his loving, I told him I wouldn't be there any more and he couldn't come out to play like we had done.  I was afraid the new occupants would kill him.  I knew whoever moved in wouldn't make friends with him like I had, nor save a tiny bit of food for him to eat every day and leave it out in one spot.  All I can do is believe that my prayers were answered after I left there and God made that little guy understand what I told him and he was able to live out the rest of his life in no danger.

Darn, I'm sitting here getting tears in my eyes just thinging of my little friend I had to leave.  I was moving north at that point and knew I couldn't try to catch him and take him with me. The cold would have killed him. Heck, it almost killed me.  That is when my first bad Crohn's flare kicked in, but no docs would believe me.  Took me 3 more years of suffering before I finally moved to a place (Phoenix) where I found a doc good enough to run tests to find the cause of my pain.

I'm not really crazy, but for some odd reason while I had no qualms about killing any other bugs that got inside when I lived down there, that one certain bug really got to my heart. LOL.

If ya want to hear any more of my crazy stories of those days or pass on some of yours, feel free to email me.  I also took some new pics of myself and my daughter yesterday for those who know me and want a copy.  Drop me a line and ask, I will send.  ***@**** is my addy.  Since I'm homebound for the most part, if I'm awake, I'm online somewhere doing something, so I get back to email right away most of the time.

Hope my bug story didn't gross anyone out, I just thought Rex might get a kick out of it.  I'm sure he dealt with many of those bugs over the years he lived there.

Oh one thing I agree with Rex, I won't go below the Broward county line. Every time I had to go into Miami, I'd get lost badly!  Sheesh, and most people who live down in that area do not know how to drive, scared me to death at times.
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Good morning everyone! At least it is morning here in Michigan and the freshly fallen snow looks beautiful although I will be cursing it later when I have to drive in it! I am now in day #6 of cold turkey W/D frim MS Contin (morphine). I am hanging in there although my sleep is quite broken up. I am usually able to make it through the day with help from a few Darvocets to ease the body aches. I hope I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel(I just hope it's not a train!). My confidence level is high because I have no choice. I cannot relapse back onto the meds because I have no more. I will make it!

I have a question maybe some of you could answer. I have been using Darvocet to ease my muscle pain during the day and it seems to help. When those are gone I also have a supply of sample Ultracets that were given to my wife for headaches. Are Darvocet and Ultracet similar? Is one stronger than the other? I also take Paxil on a daily basis although a very small amount. I started off at 20mg and then dropped to 10mg and have now only been taking half of a 10mg for several months. To tell you the truth I don't know if the small amount of Paxil even does anything for me now since I have missed doses on several ocassions without even noticing. I guess one of my questions is: Is it OK to take Ultracet with Paxil? If it is similar to Darvocet I should have no problems I would think. Any advice would be great! Thanks all for the help and keep the faith. God Bless.
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Bisteaka Noche - that's what I miss.

Bird road and 92nd avenue, this little cuban place had a cuban steak sandwich covered with fries, fried planattions on the side and the best blackbeans and rice you ever tastes.

About 5000 carbs in one serving.

Alas in 1983 it was tough to live these with speaking spanish.

I still miss the beach though and that warm clear water.

San Diego though is more scenic and has a more moderate temperature. Expensive though...

My pick of the two - Maui! ;-)

Rex

I love this rag tag bunch....

LIFE IS BETTER - NO DOUBT!

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Sure...give me something ELSE to get addicted to. That description of the  cuban steak sandwhich will now have me obsessing until I take a drive down there. I will have to let you know. Now where is it exactly? :0) You know I need exact directions, you wouldn't want me to end up in Overtown now would you?
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You two are so funny! I live off Commercial Blvd and I had to drive from there all the way to So. Miami for 6 weeks to complete my Outpatient rehab. I don't know what it is about Miami but your so right, I get lost every time. I remember once very early in my recovery I still had some major cravings and the thought actually ran through my mind that I could find Heroin in overtown. I didn't do Heroin mind you, I did the pill thing to but at the time Heroin sounded like a good idea! Anyway, I would have to drive by The Overtown exit every day. Once the craving was so bad I literally had to force myself to keep looking straight ahead while I was driving. I thought if I looked to my right, as I passed by overtown, I would actually see a drug deal happening right in front of me and not be able to resist the desire to stop. I tried stare straight ahead, but my eyes would keep looking for that dumb imaginary dealer. I kept praying "just let me make it past the exit, please! I can not control myself I can't even control my eyes, please just help me!" The second I said that prayer, I glanced over, still looking for this drug deal but instead of seeing what I thought I might see, I saw a big delivery truck parked on the side road facing I-95. When I read the message on the truck I was so stunned it took me a few seconds to really get the true message!. It said "Are your eyes on Jesus?" Can you believe that? I never did think about stopping in overtown again.
   I love Pompano beach to! Around that same time I would try to go to meetings but it was really hard because I have 3 kids. Until I found out they had a Beach meeting every Thursday night at 7:00. It's just north of the 45 th Street bridge, the beach exit near The Pompano Fashion Square. Anyway, talk about serenity! I learned alot about gratitude as I listened to the stories of all those addicts trying to get their lives together and listening to their stories of hope, while watching a glorious sunset and looking off into the horizon. I really felt God's presence there! Oh yeah, I too am a Calvanist. Did you ever go to Calvary Chapel? Pastor Bob? Thats my church. And Mrs. Rat do you remember DoDa's? Davie Junction rings a bell put I can't remember where it was...I don't think it's around anymore.
How long ago did you live here? Did you ever go to Skyline Chili? We were just there tonight. And Rex if your ever homesick for some good old Cuban food I could always send you some Pailla or those Cuban pies with cheese inside! Course Miami does still have a dense population of Santarians so if your ever in the mood for some BBQ goat just let me know. :0) teasing!
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Hi all....I just found this sight last night.  I am so glad to find you guys.  I started on Vic. ES in October of 2001 due to a chronic back condition.  My life has never been the same since.  I fell in love with the med. immediately.  It kept me pain free but also made me feel so happy and carefree.  I realized that I was hooked by the early part of 2002, but I figured that I would get clean later.  I finally admitted to my Doc. that I had a problem in June of '02 (on my 4th wedding anniversary!) and he put me on Clonidine and a certain number of Vics. a day.  It was hell for me for several days, and then I started to feel better.  My cravings came back though and I started calling the rx refill line at my local pharmacy, and my Doctor started filling them again!  I was surprised but ectsatic at the same time.  My wife knows that I am an addict.  She has been very supportive, but I don't think she realizes what a nightmare this is.  I too am fixated on how many I have left and when I can call to get more w/out raising any suspicions, etc.  I am still with the same Doc. and I am thinking about finding someone new to help me.  When I got back on, I was quickly back to the level I had been at for months (around 10 a day and I crushed every one of them).  Eventually the Doc. would not fill anything, and I told him that he was going to kill me.  My wife went up to see him and said that she would take control of the pills.  He sent her home with V's as well as MS Contin.  I was supposed to start on 2 MS Contin's a day when the V's ran out.  It actually worked for a little while, but now I am afraid to say that I am hooked on both big time and I am at wit's end with this entire thing.  I am more up and down than a roller coaster and I hate myself for what has happened.  I know I am rambling, but I am trying to tell everyone what things have been like for me.  Sometimes I think I will never be free of these.  What happened to me?   Where will I go from here?  The thing I can't take is the leg cramps.  When I withdraw (usually because I run out and want to wait before I call the Doc. again), my legs hurt so bad that I just want to cut them off.  My back pain comes back and I can't sleep.  Most of the time I take some Nytol and do some other things to try and fall asleep, but nothing works.  I need help and I am hoping that this forum will help me, and then hopefully I can help others.  I have two beautiful little girls and 2 thriving businesses, but I cannot seem to find any happiness in anything unless I am opiated up.  I hate to admit it, but today for example, I have had 6 V's (regular ones) and 1 MS and I still feel terrible.  I think I will try the recipe, but I don't know where I will get Valium from. I guess I will ask my Doc. for some, but then again, maybe I should break free of this man for once and for all.  I wish he had never prescribed anything for me.  I have to go now but I will write back later.  I feel better writing what I have thus far.  I am doing this because I need to get these feelings out of my head and also because starting tomorrow A.M. I am going to begin another tapering schedule.  I hope I can finally get through this.  If I had one wish in the world it would be that I never wanted another painkiller again as long as I live.  

Talk with you soon.  I will let everyone know how tomorrow is going when it comes.

Elvis27
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Yep, sounds like you've been inducted to the halls of opiate hell! Welcome you'll fit right in. When you post try to post up at the top, some people only get a few minutes online and can get to just the top few questions.
I would try to find an independant addictionologist. Don't use your insurance (if you have any) and ask him to help wean you off. You don't even have to tell the Dr. your seeing now. (although it would probably be best to tell him everything since he knows you, he may surprise you)You really aren't as bad as you think if you've been getting everything from one Dr. even if it seems like a lot. Some people have several Dr.s they see to get scripts. I did that and bought them on the street, so its good your stopping now.  It sounds like your wife is supportive so I would be honest with her and tell her you think your addicted and need help. Its so much harder to go through this nightmare in secret. Ask the addictionologist or your present Dr. for some Quinine sulfate, its an antimalarial med that helps with the legs pains. I thought it felt like 1000's of bugs nibbling my bones, you can also try some mild pain relieving gel to rub on your legs, not extra strength too much would actually hurt me more. Your legs feel like they are cramping and they jerk in a sudden spasm. Thats why the call it kicking. Do try the Quinine it helped me. Good luck and keep posting.
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I remember DoDa's.  I danced there on quite a few occasions.  I didn't go there a lot, as I was teaching dance at Club Elvis and felt there might be a conflict of interest.  I met the owners of Davie Junction at Club Elvis and they are a wonderful couple. Their club/restaurant, the Junction, is near the corner of Davie Road and Orange.  It's right across a little road that runs next to Grif's Western Store and on the same side of Orange. (Well, the only side of the street, the other side is the canal. LOL.)

If you are ever in that area, take a peek and let me know if the Juction is still in business.  I sure hope it is, they really had fixed the place up nice. I used to love to sit up on the 2nd floor and look over the railing to watch the dancers on the dancefloor. A most unique place they made.

Also stop by Juicy Lucy's that is on Davie Road near I-595 and have a burger for me.  I hope they are still there too!  They made the best burgers I've ever had and at a great price.  I wish they had those restaurants out here.  My next favorite burger joint would be Checkers.  They don't have those out here either. :(  We have Carl's Jr., which is similar, but not nearly as good as Juicy Lucy's or Checkers.

I think I know the church you attend.  If we moved back I know we'd start attending the Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church where Dr. James D. Kennedy is.  We LOVE listening to him on the radio and on his website. I can still picture in my mind the beautiful stained glass window that church has as I used to drive by it. We are 5 pointers, as is Dr. Kennedy.

P.S. Yes, I still have and wear my Club Elvis jacket.  They went out of business a short time after the owner got robbed and badly beaten in the Liquor Store side of the Club.  I had already moved away by then, if I remember right, but I really miss that little club. I guess that neighborhood went downhill since I was there. The club had a great bunch of regulars I'd meet there every night and we'd dance for 6 to 8 hours straight.  Very few of us drank alcohol, hard to dance good when drinking, so we'd order food and sodas to last us the night.
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Sounds like a lot of fun in So Fla.

It has its own atmosphere, so fla does.

Did you ever go to SHorty's bbq on so dixie hgwhy?

Rex
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Theres a place here in WA. state that does the same thing. Its from the south. Only been up here a couple of years. Its called Jimmy Macs. Has great food too!!!   J.E.W.
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Sorry it took me so long to get back to you Rex.  The day you did this post, we got notified within the timespan of about 6 to 8 hours, of the deaths of 2 friends.  It's been a very sad week around my house.

I ate at Shorty's, but the one on University Drive in Davie.  I lived in Davie, so that one was close to the house.  There was a really neat steak house up in Pompano Beach too that I went to with my mom.  It was unique in that while you waited for your meal to cook, they gave you a basket of salted peanuts in the shell. After you ate the peanuts, you were *supposed* to toss the shells on the floor. I wish I could remember the name of it, but I can't.  I do know it was near the Coral Square Mall.  I had the most fun when we went there.  Just wondered if you remembered it or ever ate there.
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I did a cross country trip from Fort Lauderdale to Vancouver, Canada and back quite a few years back and met a lot of my internet friends in person.  Yes, I kept track, I drove 8780 miles and it took me 5 weeks.  I had the time of my life.

When I was in Seattle visiting one of my friends, he took me to a restaurant that was on the bay there.  We had the most wonderful meal of fresh red salmon.  It was the BEST I've ever had.  I wish there was a place like there here in Phoenix, but it's a little hard to get fresh fish in the middle of the desert. :(  If I ever get up to Seattle again, you can bet I'll be going back to that place for more salmon!  I can't remember the name of it now, it's been too many years ago. (7 years to be exact, I'm now starting into my 10th year online, so guess you could say I'm an oldtimer in here.)

Not sure if I'll be checking in here for the next day or so.  I'm gonna try to, but tomorrow I have to get with my daughter and we have to decide what to wear to the funeral of her boyfriend, who passed away and make sure the clothes are freshly washed.  Then the funeral will be on Saturday morning.  I'm giving her the majority of my time right now, this has hurt her badly.  The young man that passed on, she had just started dating 2 weeks before.  Too much to ask a 16 year old to go thru. :(
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Im sorry to hear about your daughter.. My prayers are with both of you.. I live in Renton. Its about 10 miles from Seattle. It rains alot but is very beautiful. Ive only been online for a week now!! Since I started my detox. It really helps to talk to people who understand what your going through on here. Yor both in my prayers.             J.E.W.
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I just want to post and let you know how sorry I am to hear about your daughter's friend passing away.  So young to go through such sorrow; thank God she has you to help her through this. Please pass on my heartfelt condolencses to her. Will have you both in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Lisabet
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To post a ? to the Dr. Go to top and push post a ? I dont think the Dr. corrispondes after one is asked for first time.            J.E.W.
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Sometimes its ridiculous to expect someone to DO. If they don't have a WHY.
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Sorry to hear about your loss. Stay close to her.

We'll pray.

Rex
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LOL....When i'm withdrawing, I get addicted to e-bay ....just click click click....I'll take this and that and this. NO IMPULSE CONTROL WHAT SO EVER!!!!
Robyn.
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Hope you and your daughter are doing okay in your time of grief. Just wanted to let you know Im thinking of both of you.  Take care and my prayers are with you.                           God Bless...        J.E.W.
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Welcome back.. Glad to here your both able to laugh again. Time heals all.Take care ..        God Bless..      J.E.W.
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Thank you so much for your prayers in this sad time of our lives. We are hanging in there and starting to be able to laugh again.

A few times thru the past week when I felt especially lonely and sad, I logged in here and read thru the previous posts again.  Something about 'home' always helps cheer me up.  Just wanna thank you guys for getting me started on this thread, so it was here when I needed it.

My online hours are still kinda erratic, as I work to get my messed up sleeping schedule back to something resembling normal.  Feel free to email me if you don't catch me online.  ***@****
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Me and Suz were worried about you... We haven't heard from you in awhile,  I hope you and your daughter are coping through such a tramatic time.  I just wanted you to know that we were thinking about you and praying for you and your family.


Sharon
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im not really sure how this thing works if i will ever be able to see a response please email ***@**** way i feel about addiction is that it is something you were born with and it is a control thing or maybe something happend when you were a child at least thats what it was for me and i started young being an "addict" i think the first thing it wasnt a bad one i would sit in my room for hours and write poems and then i started taking diet pills then i started throwing up my food then pot then alchol it even got to sex i was addicted to sex that hapend when i was seventeen something happend to me then and i started to feel like that part off me was gone "again" the part i had been trying to get back my whole life the thing i was trying to "control" eventually i realliazied i was going to die when it ended up being shooting up heroin and i went to rehab while in there i started writing again and even knew i was still going to drink and then that was an addiction then vicodin again i just feel like i will always always be an addict it is just a matter of learning how to deal with it and control it and honestly i know it sounds stupid even to me it does but if you go to meetings you more then likely will hear your same story i know i did and that is saving my life! i even quit smoking :)
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