Will it ever end?????

[tobie]

My name is Tobie,I posted a few weeks ago andgot some great support expecially from Oxic,I wrote beacause I am desperate to get off hydrocodone,oxycodone (whatever I can getmy hands on)I detoxed last week for the third time and stayed clean for 4 days.3 days ago I relapsed horribly for the third time.I went on a damn pill searchimg rampage.Now I am so discouraged.Will this ever end?Will I ever be "normal" agian?I can't do anything without planning around lortabs.I am sooooo sick and tired of being a slave to these demons,and what in the hell am I even addicted to?I could eat 6 10's and would'nt get even the slightest buzz.I feel like such a loser.I am 22 in college and

[finkboy]

Thomas - read the post under alcolholism that I addressed to you.  

I want freedom from opiates, but also desire freedom from pain.

It is amazing what the addictive mind can justify.....

[bmac]

Who is this BSills idiot? I keep seeing these stupid remarks that make no sense at all. Hey BS take your BS elsewhere....

[peaz]

When I read your post, it took me back to my first weeks/months of recovery....All your feelings are to be expected and completely logical, when you think about it.  We were self-medicating for  many reasons--it was our way of coping.  Now that we're sober, we're " feeling and dealing" and man, that can be a real *****!!
   I remember being irritated w/ everything my husband said or did.   His blinking was disgusting!!!!    :-)   I had NO patience and I kept thinking, "I MARRIED YOU???"   LOL  Because as long as I was in my haze, he was the stud from Club Med....and SO charming!!  Anyway, acknowledge those kinds of feelings, but don't  ACT on them, because they WILL mellow out and become more "traditional".   Both my husband and I have had some "foreign" feelings to deal with, but if you keep your lines of communication open, you will be able to work the bumps out together.  Now, a year and four months later--we are doing better than ever. Seriously.  I am not Pollyanna and I wouldn't **** you...LOL  Hang in there.
    The same goes for wondering if they'll like you "straight".  I had the same fears, that I wouldn't be as cute, witty, energetic, yada, yada, yada....But, I truly think those are our OWN perceptions: many people have told me they think I've changed FOR THE BETTER.  And the things about me they have always liked are still there.  You ARE a different person, to be sure.  And until you redefine yourself, TO yourself, it can be very scary and intimidating.  As you wrote in another post that I commented on: you will evolve second by second, hour by hour, day to day.....and eventually the real you will emerge before your eyes.  The really nice thing is, the FOG will be lifted,  your dignity and self-worth will be back and you will LIKE the person in the mirror.
    My therapist has a poster on her wall that says: S.O.B.E.R.  ----SON OF A *****!!   EVERYTHINGS REAL!!!  and that sums it up beautifully, I think.  If most of the world can handle the daily tribulations of life w/out being ****** up all the time, and STILL love life, then by God, I'M gonna give it a shot, too.  I had to get accustomed to coping while high, and I can get accustomed to loving it straight.
     Fight the good fight, and I wish you well.  Love, Peaz

[finkboy]

Thomas, you are absolutely right.  I am just trying to keep myself as far away from that **** as possible.  I was only on 10mg of valium a night (like I needed it after 4-5 Percs!) and never took it during the day.  You are right about the mood swings.

As I continue to emerge out of my haze, things that were once acceptable to me within my family (how I interact with them, what I expect etc...) are starting to change.  I found myself barking orders, and being extremely short tempered yesterday.  While Saturday, I got more done in the yard than I had the past year and a half combined.??

It is a roller coaster ride for sure.  This time change blows - I will have no trouble sleeping tonight without meds :)

I guess there is a part of me that is afraid that either I won't like my family situation, or they won't like the "unmedicated" me.  Keeping my head burried in the sand for so long, and only giving a **** about getting my daily fix is a lot different than how things are going now.  People change, things change and what was once acceptable, may not be any longer.

The key is to not rush anything....  Just continue in my recovery and let life - well, just happen.  I am still in no position to make any decisions that will affect my life for a long time.

Thanks again to everyone!!

[Thomas03]

"The key is to not rush anything.... Just continue in my recovery and let life - well, just happen. I am still in no position to make any decisions that will affect my life for a long time."

I could not have said it better, my friend. Good show!

Thomas

[Thomas03]

You "sound" like you're doing really well. Glad to "hear" it! Be prepared, though, for some rough days ahead. You're shaking off a couple of mean drugs in Percocet and Valium. Valium especially has a long withdrawal syndrome full of unpredictable emotions and transient physical symptoms.

I see many recovering addicts make it through the first couple weeks and feel jubilant and empowered. Then the long-term withdrawal sets in and some become disillusioned. Just be aware that you have a long but worthwhile path still to tread.

I was 3 weeks clean and then I encountered a target of opportunity, i.e., some Vics and Vals, which I pounced on without even thinking. Conditioned behavior is a formidable opponent. One "lost weekend" later, and I started over. I have about 3 weeks and change down again. But I know what I'd do if another target of opportunity strolled by ... With time, I hope I will be able to think more and react less.

Good luck!

Thomas