fioricet addiction

[msfox]

My fioricet addiction goes back to my doctor prescribing it for migraine.  At that time I was not yet addicted, although I liked the "high".  Then, I lost a job that I loved and was good at.  I suffered from so much anxiety/depression that I had hives all over my body.  I started ordering fioricet over the Internet.  It's expensive, but easy. I figured that I would stop when I got a new job, but I didn't. It just felt too good.  I lost that job and I suspect that the real reason is my addiction.  I got another job, and am afraid that the same thing will happen again.  Also that my migraine pain will not be adequately controlled. When I've tried to stop I have withdrawal symptoms.  The truth is, I really don't WANT to stop.  I've been to NA and it reminded me of the old saying "I liked you better when you were a drunk."  But I don't want my life to be about this.  My family and friends will support me, but I feel so much shame and guilt.  My kids and sibs no longer respect me, and we used to be close.  i don't understand this; if this is really a disease, why is there a stigma, still?  Ex,. my former employer not asking me to take a drug test (I would have failed for sure), and sendng me to rehab, instead of firing me. They wouldn't fire me if I'd broken my leg, I don't guess. It makes me so mad!  I''ve located a doctor who is certified to prescribe the Suboxone, buit I live in a very small town, and am afraid of the stigma.  In my work I deal with so-called confidential records, but in today's world there are hackers and so forth.  I don't believe that HIPPA and etc.are fail-safe.  And from where I sit, I don't see how my life will improve, sorry.  I'll still have anxisty - I have driving anxiety x20 years - and I'll still have migraine.  Somebody please tell me how I can better.

To the person who said she'd never heard of being addicted to this, trust me, you are NOT alone.

Thanks,

Ms Fox

[jill6]

Sounds like your hands are pretty full with your son - think you are doing the right thing by setting some guidelines but I'm sure, as a mother, it must be hard - my oldest son went through a couple years of a lot of drinking and I bailed him out quite a few times and when I finally just said "I can't do it again" he somehow managed to pull himself together and is now happily married and has a great career but those couple years of watching him struggle were really hard.  His dad kicked him out and I let him live in another house I had owned and all he had to do was paint it for me and he chose to drink instead and I couldn't afford to keep the house and him in it if he wasn't helping out.

My older kids know I've been in rehab before so it makes it especially hard now - and I don't ever want them to find out I started taking these pills again because I know I"ve hurt them in the past.

I don't know why I like these so much - I don't think they affect everyone the same way - I read an interesting post yesterday about how, even after you are off of any addiction, is can be months and even years that you actually crave the addiction - I HAVE to make myself find a support system this time - nothing in the past has worked for any long stretch of time.  I look at the wasted years and wasted money and if my husband knew, he'd probably throw up his hands, take the kids and leave.  We don't have the best marriage but he has certainly stood by me through a lot.  I know most of it is for the kids but I do get scared I'll lose it all sometime and that isn't what I really want.  Most of me wants to be free from any addiction - but part of me doesn't - that's what I battle - just like everyone else - being an addict (and I never thought I'd end of being one) is the worst nightmare ever.

But like you, I keep hanging in there and try to know someday I'll find the strength to quit and establish relationships with people who understand.

[msfox]

Good for your daughter for sticking with her pharmacy degree.  I was not addicted to anything in college, I mean we had the drinking parties which are practically a graduation requirement, but not this.   I have good friends who are pharmacists, and they have good jobs and always will- - built-in job security.  Come to think of it I could get their opinion about this drug Suboxone, too.  They wouldn't say anything about it.

I've been to NA once.  I feel angry at having to go there, but as I get into the routine I'm sure I will get over myself and just do it.  And heck yeah I feel like the pills have taken over my life. Because they have.  I'm not the same person I was before.  I will die eventually of course, and I'm Christian so death doesn't scare me, but I don't want to die of this.  It's stupid.

I often hear this from people:  "you're so strong", because of all the **** I have dealt with.  I am not strong at all!  They have no idea.  Being "strong" in my case really means "refusing to lie down and die".  So it upsets me when people say that to me.  It's not as as if I had a choice about any of this ****, you know?

I know what you mean about praying you get through high school.  I was on the phone with my son last night, and he wants to come back and live with me, and I said you can come back but you have to get in an educational program of some sort, and get a job. He argued with me as usual.  and made excuses, and I said if you won't get a job or get back in school, at least you can do chores while I'm at work for 12-14 hours every day.  He said no, so I said I will not pay for his return trip until he makes a commitment to do something besides sit on his butt all day watchivg (my) tv and using (my) computer.  Then he hung up on me.  He's verbally and emotionally abusive to me and refuses to take any meds because "I (he) won't be able to afford them when I am on my own."  Well, he won't be able to function when he is on his own, either.  He is supposed to be taking ViVance for his ADHD and he can get them cheap because I have good insurance now.  I'm sure he will call me back today trying to get his way again, but I'm sick of it.  I love him, but here I am practically the only person, other than his sister, who will have anything to do with him.  My sisters have watched him treat me like dirt.  But, he's a kid and doesn't see it.

Keep on keepin' on as the old saying goes...

Ms Fox

[jill6]

Hi.  Thanks for the support.  I pray your son doesn't have bp disorder - I always knew something was wrong with me but until about 10 years ago, no doctor ever put a name to it - bipolar.  I will never blame by actions on being bp but I know addiction is a classic symptom.  If your son does turn out to be bp - at least he has you and you know the real dangers of this illness.  My oldest daughter is ADD - she was really tough to get through school but now she is in college heading to get her pharmacy degree (isn't that odd?).  She has mood swings too but I talk to her every day and she does seem to have her life together right now - and she's 22 - she's struggled in college - learning is very hard for her but she is one terrific daughter - and I used to remember just praying we'd be done with high school and we fought all the time.

I'm glad you are going to use a doctor to help - for me I know I can do the taper and feel physically ok - I just have to find a way to stay OFF.  There are not a lot of NA meetings where I live.  I have to go back and check again to find out where and when they are.

I feel like I've taken responsibility so many times for my addiction but then I start taking them again - and all the guilt comes back.  Your advice is solid - and we can make it - like you, I want a different life and a life not tied to being addicted to anything.  I'd like to leave this earth feeling I gave more than I took.  Have you ever gone to NA?  I think for me that's the only way I'll ever stay off - if I have people I can call before I take them and remind me why I hate them so much.  The pills have a way of consuming my life - do you feel like that?  

[msfox]

Thanks Ms Jill!  Yes, e-mail support is one tool that we can both use.  I'm not a doctor but one thing at a time makes sense to me.  I know I have to get my life back.  Not sure if this treatment is right for me, but I plan to make a dr appointment and at least check it out.  NA is an issue for me, too.  I can't go to two meetings a day like some people say they do, good for them, but my work is pretty much all-consuming at this point, I would be lucky to get there twice a week.  I, also, don't like to go out much.  I know that it would be healthier, but I like to be home.  As far as when I will start, I have to commit to a date and make myself responsible.  And no, most people would never guess.  My staff love me because I treat them well.  My boss is terrified that I will quit.  I'm a chronic over-achiiever but I've finally learned to draw the line.

It would make sense to me that you can't try to get off both of these meds at once, unless you check into a hospital.  It would probaby be dangerous otherwise..

I'm not bipolar but there are people in my family who have this disorder.  My youngest probably has it, he's ADHD and I'm told that that often develops into bipolar disorder in late adolescence.  He has extreme mood swings, I love you, I hate you, it's like that book "Get out of my life, but first would you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?"  

Reaching out for support and taking responsibility for our own lives is SO important.  Hold on and you will make it!

Ms. Fox

[jill6]

I am really glad you are here to talk to - up until now, I've never had anyone to talk honestly with except one friend.  Like you, I feel ashamed and have put my family through a lot - so however I finally get off this,  I have to do it myself - I think NA is a good idea - I did try it a while back but it's not close to my house and I hate going out - I have bipolar disorder on top of everything else and part of whatever the hell is wrong with me makes me not want to go anywhere - and I usually don't unless I take the pills - it sounds crazy but they at least help me function during the day and make it until bed, same cyle day after day.  Not much fun. I don't know much about suboxone - just the little I read.  When are you going to start?  

I don't know what to tell you about your migraines - that's why I originally started taking it too.  I don't get too many migraines anymore but I get horrible tension headaches and you are right, tylenol and motrin just don't cut it.  

I don't think doctors even prescribe this anymore - my one psychiatrist never even heard of it - most people in rehab never did either.  I figured I was among the few who actually like the drug.  Please keep posting or email me - maybe we can find a way together to get off this or at least encourage each other - I know there once was a time in my life I lived without them - I just have to kick this oxy first, then this - that sounds horrible but I don't think I can do both at once and the oxy, to me, is far worse and I don't like the way I feel when I take it either.  You can do this and so can I - you seem intelligent and most people probably think you have your life together (most people who don't know me probably think the same).

[msfox]

It was a relief to see your post.  It's so hard when you feel like the only one.  I know that I have an addictive personality.  When my ex-huband was dying of kidney disease he had every pain med that exists, practically.  He had Lorcet and Darvocet, and he lived with us after the divorce because there was no one else to take care of him. So I would take his pills.  I would go and get his scrips filled, because he could not do it, and then I would skim a few off the top.  And during his final illness, I took ALL of his pills, hoping that he wouldn't notice.  Well, he died without ever coming out of the hospital, so that became a moot point.  But, I was so ashamed.

I have done the tapering before, I know how to do it.  Besides taking fewer, I have a pill splitter so that I can take 1/2 tab.  But after a few weeks I would order the pills again.  I don't kow why.  When I would try to stop I would get sick.  I had seizures 3 times, fortunately not in the car or I would already be dead.  The last time I tried, I was throwing up in the car while driving.  Not a pretty sight.  I know I have to stop or I WILL die, probably from all the acetominophen if not the barbiturate.  Acetominophen (Tyelonol) causes liver damage.  Since I can't seem to taper down on my own, I'm going to have to do the Suboxone and N.A.  Fortunately I don't take oxy although I would if I had some, I'm sure.  I have a sister who is a psychologiist, and a best friend who is a medical social worker, and they both tell me that it's a disease and nothing to be ashamed of - but, I am.  And I'm angry at having to do this.  I'm a professional woman the shame is even worse because of that.  Then there are the real pain issues.  I can't just take a Tylenol for my migraines, it just makes me sicker.  So it makes for a complex picture, doesn't it?  I'm smart and pretty so I have fooled many doctors. I've only only had two doctors/therapists see through my ruse.  All the rest, including women, whip out their prescription pads.

I'm going to do this - wish me luck!  And the same to you.

Ms Fox

[jill6]

Your story sounds like mine - I've struggled with fiorcet for almost 10 years and still do - though I have managed to taper down and several times tapered off - the tapering off info was given to me by my doctor and it wasn't physically too hard (right now I'm tapering off oxys and it's 1,000 times harder);  to taper, do it like this - if you are taking 8 a day, take 8 for 2 days, then go to 7 for 2 days, and so forth until you are off - I didn't get sick like I have many times from having to just stop - I've promised so many times I'd never take it again and a few months will go by and I'm back on it - as with you, I live in a small town and by now, everyone probably knows - it's embarassing and it haunts me all the time.

I have never met anyone (had to go to rehab twice just to get off quickly) who struggles with these particular pills - I also like the high - though I try not to take too many b/c then my family figures out what I'm doing - I'm stuck right now b/c I really want off the oxys (from car accident) and that's my main focus, then I guess I have to deal with kicking the fiorcet once and for all - you are right - it is expensive and hard to want to stop - I did stop for a solid year a while back - when I saw your post, I was so glad someone else struggles with this - my big thing is I had to sign a paper with my doctor not to take them while on the oxys - and am subject to random urine tests - which is another reason I have to find a way to stop - again - I feel pretty much like a failure with this - and a lot of guilt.

[loriegurl]

sorry for the typos....i meant to say * also saw a few posts*

[loriegurl]

I have taking fioricet, a few times and can definately say that I liked it and I do see its potential to be
addicting. I just happen to run up on a few(illegally of course) and tried them, soon after I was calling my connection for a few more of those. I really enjoyed them when mixing it with hydro.....needless to say, I am very glad that they are not something that I can get my hands on easily. I didnt know what they were, but looked them up on interent and found out what they were and also so a few post that folks were hooked on them. U are not alone in this one.
as far as helping you to get better, I do not have a clue. have you done a google search on fioricet addiction?