depression after oxy withdrawl

[skipper]

i just finished a 3 day detox from oxy-contin (40 mg. X 3 a day.
besides feeling a little weak and ringy, i seem to be physically
ok. what is bothering me is the the mother of all depressions. i
am talking putting a gun in my mouth depession. approx. how long
will this last. i periodically detox myself to find out where my
pain levels are at.(i don't want to be on oxy if i don't have to)
i've never expierenced this level of post physical depression.
is there something about oxy that gives it more of an emotional
"buzz saw" than other opiate withdrawal? it seems to me there is,
as i've expierenced withdrawl from other opiates and all though
they were physically more unpleasent, there was not this compent
of emotional. i'm already taking 400 mg of welbutronn a day, and
that seems to help some. today is my 4th day clean and i have no
physical symptoms of withdrawal, just this suicidal emotional
pain i seem to have no control over!

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[Schlub]

Kip, I must be really dumb (aside from having a rotten personality) but it never occurred to me that part of what I was feeling was anxiety & panic, which the Bup doesn't really help in the first few days. So I took acouple of 5 mg valiuems and that claustrophobic feeling you talked about pressing down on my chest so much that it feels hard to breathe has lessened.

Thanks for the advice.

How do I keep my mind from being subverted by the panic of withdrawal? Without that panic, without what this addiction does to your mind, I might treat my current symptoms as not much worse than a bad flu. But it makes me crazy.

I lose all courage, all fortitude.

Listening to me whine, you would never guess that I spent many years working as a war correspondent, would you?

Look what happened to me. No courage, no grit. What a shame.

I'll hang in for one more day, the try again tomorrow for one more day after that. And it's not like I have a bad life, nothing to fight for.

I've got a perfect marriage and a newborn baby.

What a pathteic loser I am.

[butterbeans]

Hi friends!!!  I know I don't post often, but, read often. I want you to know that you, no one else, has helped me to make a decicion to stop abusing painkillers.  I am only clean for a week now, but, I feel so good.  One reason is that I finally broke down and told a friend of mine, who is a therapist too, and I trust him.  I told him, only because I knew that would be the only way I would stop and stick to it.  I won't let him down.  I really feel good right now, more alive, sexier, and look at the things around me that mean so much.  I am more organized.  I went to the movies today, and will go again tomorrow, alone.  Getting out of the house and not thinking about paikillers is wonderful.  I am going to keeep this up.  I am strong.  I never used any drugs before, none illegal.  I only got addicted to these pills because they helped my severe pain so I started taking too many at one time.  But, I never tried to get more.  I just went through withdrawal over and over until my next presccription.  Sick of that!  Man that hurts!!!And I was so ashamed and embarrassed for myself, because I have dealt with so much trauma in my life, abusive childhood, abusive first marriage, and I got out of them when I was ready.  So you see, that's how I know I can do this.  Witchy Woman if you read this, I am proud of you, and you helped me a lot.  JennyFla you have been so sweet and kind so much like me.  You will do this too, when the time is right.  I kind of hit rock bottom.  My doc ordered sleeping pills because I wasn't sleeping.  those pills made me crazy , I called people and left message on phones and everyone said what in the world was wrong with me.  OH my God, how could I have done that.  Turns out those sleeping pills cause short term memory loss, and hallucinations if you take them and then get up and move around.  No one told me that. But, I thank them, they saved me.  I am stoppingall this stuff,  I cannot stop seeing the birds, pushing my career more and more, finding another friend and lover.  None of this has mattered for the last several years, the pills took care to be my lover, my friends, and took away my emotional pain.  Well, I am ready to live again.  Skipper, think about what is out there!  It doesn't matter how long you have used, you can stop.  Get help if need too.  Feel your own body again, get your sex life back with your lovely wife, see the sun rise. I have to think of all this and everyone else and stop dwelling on my own pain.  That is how I will do this.  Bless all of you.  I will pray everyday for all of you, especially Witchywoman, Skipper and Jennyfla who have stood by me and many more.  Love you guys!

[skipper]

all the addicts:

sorry for not posting for so long. i'm ok mostly. have awful pain
in neck that runs down my right arm. had to go visit my father
who is nursing home and is losing his mind on the instalment
plan. took 20 mgs of oxy-c for car ride (3 1/2 hours). i also
took 20mg for car ride back.

ya know i always thought oxy-c in copious quantity helped me
handle this nursing home stuff. you know watching your father
become less and less the man he once was.... well this time i did
the whole visit clean and believe it or not it went much beter
straight.

i will probably go back on oxy thursday after seeing the pain
doc. i want to discuss some other pain control options. i don't
know if it will lead to any thing...

**** i'm sitting at the computer with tears runing down my face.
my wife let out a causual remark about how pleasent it was to
have the "the real kip" back. i'm sure she didn't me for it to
make me feel guilty, but it did.

the way i see it right now i have 3 options:
1) stay on oxy and possiably lose my wife
2) try to find other ways to cope with intractable pain that
don't involve drugs
3) get the gun in my mouth and get me and everyone out of my mis-
ery.

i don't like any of these choices. i never thought about what i
would do if i ever actually NEEDED opiate pain killers when i
used to rip off drugstores and shoot all the dope i could put my
hands on! well i guess i'm at the point in my life where many of
my transgessions have caught up with me. (**** i thought i paid
up and cleaned up in jail) i'm not in a good place with any of
this... but i have this forum to draw strength from!

like Jim Foggel said in drug store cowboy, "i think i'll stay
straight today- maybe something good will happen. it doesn't
sound like much, but that's what i got going for me right now.

please remember i am going to love and care about all of you, and
there isn't one god damm thing any of you can do about it! the
really bad days are what make the really good days

so keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[jennyfla]

(((HUGS))) Kip!!!
I feel for you, i really do!  I know that's not what your looking for, but i can't help it.
I don't think you're going to loose your wife, she cares and loves you very much, i can tell!
Talk to you doctor, look into your options, you never know!
I wish i could be my 'old self' again too, i miss me!
My husband is so far far away, i don't know if i will ever see him again.  The only time i 'see' him is when he's in rehab.
He is so in a fog, it scares me because is talking suicide a lot these days.  I can't do anything right, everything is my fault, and he's falling apart right in front on my eyes and it tears my heart to shreads to watch.  I'm calling someone today, gonna try to get him in to 'talk' to someone at least.  Screw the drs, they've never helped in the past, i'm gonna try someone 'real'.
He doesn't need drugs, he needs someone to talk to, and i'm not the right person, it's obviously not helping to talk to me anymore.
Good luck Kip, and know that you help so many, even if it comes at a cost for you, from experience.  BUT, remember, we all have a purpose here in this world, and everything is for a reason.  I will say a prayer that your pain will decrease so that you will be able to cut your ties with medication forever!!!!
(((HUGS)))
Love Jenny

[jennyfla]

How's everything going.  I know, i hate when people ask me that question too!
Just wanted to let you know that i'm thinking about you, i haven't seen you post very much lately!
Hope things are at least stable with me and you.
Depression is definately an awful disease and much more common than most people know.
I just pray one that that no one will have to suffer from these awful diseases of the mind (addiction, depression, etc.)  
Isn't the world hard enough, why are we made to suffer so.
Hang in there, and know you have friends that care and think about you often!
(((HUGS)))
Lv Jenny

[Schlub]

I'm in a bad place myself right now, but I'm thinking about you Skip. You have a real strength in you that I, who spend so much time whining about my "symptoms," really admire.

I hope that strength of yours leads you to some answers -- or at least, some partial answers.

Take care.