Just needing to vent

[vicaddict]

Hello all, I posted this on the other forum, I always seem to forget which is which. I did however get some great and caring advice from mj. (Thank you mj) I still wanted to post it over here though for my friends over here who may not go to the other forum.  Today has been a rough day and lots of emotions running..I have planned on calling my Dr tomorrow, but I know I will not be able to get in right away. He is always booked. I do not know how that will work as I want to see him like YESTERDAY. I do not want to go to an ER or anything. I dunno............

Hello all. Unsure who has all read my recent post or not. I am not a new person here, but  linger most of the time. Some days is too hard to post anything.

Anyhow..I am today at day #3 of a taper. I was up to 15 give or take a few per day habit of Vicodin. I have tried more times than I can count on tapering always falling back into that dark hole. Not by choice, but to keep myself from being sick. Well I guess it is still a choice, but none the less I am where I am now.
sudden creeped up on me and hit me like a ton of bricks.
Before I knew it all I wanted to do was sleep...I would take so many all day sometimes all night too and stay up allll night only to be useless the next day. That started to get worse. I knew I was in trouble. I have wanted nothing more than to just up and quit this SH*T, so much I can almost taste it. I just do not understand why I cannot handle the sickness or the hell you feel coming off them.

I already suffer, and have for years from panic attacks, GAD which led to major depression, and then agoraphobia. Allot of this is under control with medication and constant therapy. I been dealing with this since I was about 16, but was not successfully diagnosed until I was 21. I am now 34.
I am on Clonazepam .5 ( Generic for Klonopin) Celexa, and Inderal which is a beta blocker. NONE, and I mean NONE of these I have ever taken more of or abused. In fact I always have extra left over at the end of the month. I take that back I have taken 2 klonopins at once here and there at night, while trying to come off the vics, I still always have some left by refill time.  None of these meds help me at all with ANY of my w/d symptoms.

My Dr has already told me in the past that I am addicted. I went in to see him a few months back to reach out for help, but once I got there I clammed up so tight. I was scared to tell him! All I got out of my mouth was that I have tried to stop these and he cut me off and said NOT to do that b/c I will get very very sick, (Which was what I was just about to say that I had) and said I was addicted. Sent me on my way with a new script, as I was due for it. But, I left there thinking to myself why did I NOT speak up and tell him EVERYTHING.
I know he would probably be understanding, if I honestly sat him down and told all. But I am scared. I am afraid that he will show me the door,  and cut me off right on the spot. When in all reality that is what I REALLY want down deep, but I also want to do this gradually and with his help.
I cannot do an inpatient, my family does not live here I moved here to be with my sons father who left shortly after we moved here 6 yrs ago. I am a single mom. Plus fighting him with a custody battle (Non -related) he knows nothing of my pain medication. But I do not want any of that out until this while custody thing is over. My son has been with me since he was born, he is now 8. His father was never in the picture before, now all a sudden since November of last year he started, then Feb I was served with papers.

Anyhow, like I said I do not want to wait any longer, but I am so scared it will affect my custody case for one, that is my MAJOR concern and two that I will just be cut off with no help at all.
I just simply can't do this alone. I already know that and admit to it.
I want a pill right now so bad, it is pathetic. But you know what else? I DON'T want a pill right now. Which is it? I just feel so lost right now.
I feel like if I take it my depression will lift and I will feel so much better. On the other side I feel that no way, I worked too hard the past couple days and I want this over with as fast as possible and want these GONE out of my life forever. Why take one right now, only to feel the same tomorrow. I just do not understand any of this. I have never been addicted to anything. I just simply do not get it and why the hell I can be so stupid and have let it happen. When I was taking more I should have seen it, but I didn't. How can a person NOT see it? I keep asking myself. I guess either I did not want to see it, or thought this could never happen to me, or both. Who knows. I just know that this is where I am right now, and no idea where or how I got here. I couldn't even say WHEN I decided to take more I only know when it was bad enough for me to notice it, well and others around me too. I withdrew myself from everything and everyone. Still do not understand that either. What happened to the social person I was, and why did she sit here eating vicodin day in and day out and just watch everything and everyone pass her by?
I don't even know me anymore. That is just as scary a feeling as the w/d's. I feel like I will always no matter what have this obsession with these things whether I am taking them or not. Like something is missing from my life, when all they have caused me is a world of he*l and hurt. As well as everyone I love around me, even though they do not know. I DO. That tears me up. Will these thoughts and the rest ever really truly go away? I am also afraid I will feel guilty and depressed about this forever. How could I do this to my kids. How could I let this come between the wonderful mom I was and my beautiful children and miss out on so much this past almost yr. I can't get that time back, and it hurts like he*l.
I am also afraid that I have done too much damage to myself that I will be gone soon, and that this is the mom my kids will remember. One who never wanted to do anything and slept allot. All of this alone should be enough to just say F**K those things and move on. It is not that easy but it should be. How can I even "think" about these things when this is how I truly feel. Something is definitely wrong with that.
I am sorry for ranting so much, I just am sitting here, can't sleep, crying my eyes out and wondering when or if it will ever get better. I am watching my kids sleep, so precious and mean everything to me and how could I be this stupid, and why do these friggin pills have such a hold on me, the decision should be easy. Cut and dry, black and white. period!. I so wish I could go back a few years, before my surgery, before Vicodin and be able to make a different choice.
Sorry again everyone, and thanks to everyone who has listened.
Many thoughts and prayers to everyone.
Tracy

[FLaddict]

YOu know i am here for ya... Keep reaching out and don't hold any of this stuff in.. it will eat you up.
Keep trying... and trying

[grievingwidow]

Hi.  No answers, just to say I know what you are going through and I am so sorry.  I am sorry for us all, that our lives have come to this point.  I knew better years ago when I started self-medicating myself while working at the doctors offices, but thought it could not happen to me.  Lord, was I wrong.  Now without my husband here for support, I don't know what to do.  Not to get into my seemingly hopeless mess, I just really wanted to say I feel your pain Tracy.  Surely, things will get better, we have to keep believing that.

Love, Cindy