must put the breaks on

[alexandra fox]

Good morning, here i am awake after 2 consecutive days of pills, want to put a stop to it (the Alex brain wants to put a stop to it, the addict brain has other ideas). In my typical fashion I was pondering what do i need to do - what was it that i wasn't doing that i should be or was doing that i perhaps should not be doing, and these are my ideas:

1. i have to stop counting the days. I have been visualising something like 7 or 8 or whatever days of detox, and then wake up one morning completely normal in mind, body, spirit - especially bec i have been minimising the codeine as "just OTC rubbish, not like the heroin and methadone of old". So when day 10 came around and i was still exhausted and listless, part of me got impatient, frustrated and the justification for pills I think started to hatch in my brain.

So it is just for today, with whatever the day brings in terms of sleep, poop, sweats etc. (i do wonder how much i have set myself back thought?)

2. Need to plan more activities (i mean little things, even stuff like clean out bathroom cabinets or do nails or whatever) and PUSH through resistence to doing them. I have gone from working/studying 14 hours a day to nothing - work is very quiet so not many hours at all - and I am bored and restless and churning feelings - so of course pills come to mind.

That is my 2 cents for the day- I swear I hate this post relapse feeling, when the motivation to resume 'clean-ness' is so faint, but you kind of know you have to.

I hope all of you, my american friends, are having a terrific day XXX

[Curls]

...boredom is a form of numbness.  There are so many great things to do in life, even just relax.  Boredom is a sign that something else is going on.  Hope you can start picking stuff, doing it, and feeling more focused again.  I'll suggest again that some emotional release will likely get you to a new and better place.  Even if it's lining up stuffed animals and yelling at them.  (Niece is tugging at me sso I'd got to stop.)  Good luck!

[allaboutmary]

I know what ya mean, being bored is the worst.   I guess thats where the saying "idle hands are the devil's workshop" comes from.  The days that I am busy, I don't think about the pills.  I stopped paying attention to the days also. Every now and then I go back and have to count them, which is a good feeling.  You are finding so much out about yourself and what it's gonna take for you to stay clean. I just know you are gonna get this done. Stay strong.   Mary

[natalile]

p.s don'r foget about your freinds over the world chat soon keep posting your freind from uk nat xx

[natalile]

God help us all to beat this adiction. We have put ourselve's in this posision, But we cannot stop on our own. We have two people inside us, The old us & the addict, We let that addict in & it's not gonna leave without one hell of a fight. But it CAN be done you've done it before & i no you want to do it again, I say all this as a person who's also relapsed i'm i a boat & it has a hole it. I could mend it before to much water get's in but i feel myself losing the battle, I'm sorry if this has had you feel bad it has me lol. We can do it toghether put the plug in the boat it will take some time to get the water in that's already flowed in. But it has to stop. In the uk they sell codine pills OTC two & it's so hard. But just so like an alcoholic walking past that pub, bozze store ect, We have to find the old us & i think that's where the hard part come's in. We don't like he road we have to go bk down to find ourselves, But we lived it once so there is alway's hope we can find us again. A least you can have the corage to post that you have relasped. Or lapse, Ididn't till i read your's yesterday. I haven't been on the sight as much as i was & coz i was so many day's done i thought i was fine "WRONG" your right when you say about couning the day's, Does that eva stop? can someone please tell us i hate.At the start i even put sticker's on the calander for every day clean " how sad " . But it worked for my. & i still do it. eveyr day we use is another exeuse to use the next day ^ the day after that. We feel so bad we just think sod it why not. It's that voice that stared us on the road to recovery that we need to start to listen to again. it feel's like a wisper as the addict can shout alot louder. I have let narcotic's run my life for 13 year's ( almost 14 ). So i think will i ever find myself again i've pent half my life a smack head, crack head pill head sometime's all at the same time, Not to foget the methadone & pot. But do i think i still have hope. Well i wouldn't be here if i didn't as you yourself must feel.
I'm sorry i've made this about myself & my own self pitty, But i just wanted you to no your not on your own. & we WILL get clean, totaly drug free 1 day the good think is were not giving up so the time will come when the old us voice over powers the addict. Your totaly right about staying busy, You had exam's ect before now you need to fill that void with ENYTHING, As long as you glad doing it. Enyway i've rammbled on like alway's ha ha. So i'll go as i've probably done your head in more, I hope not. Take care & stay safe natalie xx :)

[4tolive4]

mr olive it is, indeed. ;)  what gave it away?

if it makes you feel any better, were hydrocodones available OTC here, i would have caved on D3. you have an enemy in addition to those commonly shared amongst us addicts. and what a formidable foe that must be......an easy, legal, and inexpensive means with which to supply ourselves with that sweet, deadly candy. i am SO sorry for your setback. i'm not throwing in the towel yet and calling it a relapse. because i know you're still here among us.

[Curls]

Sounds like an excellent approach, and well thought out.  Whenever I'm crummy, focusing on anything simple seems to get me going and back into a more normal balance.  Hope to hear your plan is working for you.

[alexandra fox]

Oh dear, I took pills again, third day - so much for the above post. For no more significant reason than I was bored, so I think dark69meat, your point about keeping busy is a big one for me - I think its that and that I seem to have lost the willingness to do whatever I need to to stay clean. I'm too dirty and p issed off at myself to say another word, I think I will just lurk on this forum for a while until I regain momentum, and quit posting about myself - third day, same tune, this has become boring for me and i"m sure for all of you.

If anyone is feeling like busting, please please please hold out - having made the decision (and knowing in my very guts) that for me (just speaking for me here) being totally clean and sober is the only way I can live, to NOT be doing it is very disquieting, eats at my conscience and self respect, and totally s u x.

mr olive - i think you are a mister rather than a miss? - well done for day 8, you have been sailing with resolve and have reached day 8, good on you - and good point re apples and apples - I was using for 2-3 years I guess, and consuming a lot of acetominophen/ibuprofen too, 1000's of mg per day of that additional toxic stuff, so no doubt that has affected health.

[4tolive4]

I agree...........and disagree. For me, the days were all i had to focus my tormented mind on. honestly, if i had thought that w/d durations were a **** shoot and could take as little as three days or as LONG as 6 months, i would never have decided to quit.

however, i do believe that a very common mistake is made on these boards. the mistake is to compare apples to oranges. my w/d's are over and i am feeling pretty darn close to normal again. tommorrow morning marks Day8. So, 'patty addict message poster' reads my daily posts and decides to quit thinking, 'a weeks not that bad.' she ends up living a hell on earth for 21 days with no signs of improvement. well, guess what? patty's been snorting 300mg oxy's for 17 years. i have a combined history of abuse totalling 1 year. therein lies the mistake.

i DO believe that we, as like-minded and like-bodied fellow humans, work at the same clock speed. if myself and person B took the same type, the same amount, and for the same length of time, our w/d's may not be EXACTLY the same.......but there going to be pretty darn close.

in conclusion, may i present a solution? we should all detail, in our profiles, OUR own personal history of abuse. that way, someone following my progress can save themselves a misguided journey which, as Alex most ably pointed out, can lead to frustration, impatience, and, God forbid, a possible relapse.

good post, alex.  

[dark69meat]

Curious; were you working and attending school and now no activity?  Keeping busy is certainly key.  I've decided counting days and hours isn't necessarily a good thing.  Relapse - we all have, but for some reason think eventually you'll forget the codeine or possibly grow tired of the slaving and craving?  Maybe I'm too optimistic, but trying to help and figure out your mind.

[KRC1959]

I was doing exactly as you said, I was counting the days and going by what most were telling me, and at day 7 was feeling like I wasnt up to Par, as what I felt I should be at that point. That day I made a post and just vented my *** off. I think counting the time Is important at the beginning, but I also think that most of us are going by the Standard rate, which is pretty acurate, but I was one that was also a little below the scale, Im into day 17 now, not 100 percent, but I thought I will give it a month as a guideline, Dont worry China Plate, What your plan is seems very, very good.   I WOULD COME OVER THERE, OR DOWN UNDER TO AUSTRALIA to lend you a hand if I could, Keep the Positive thoughts, in front of the negative, YOU WILL SUCCEED,       JayDean
ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER