not great day

[Coze11]

So here is one of those times I dont want to be honest....Today I tried to vary the times of my taper, telling myself I would take the morning 2 plus the one half (Ive been taking in the afternoon) in the morning also, then none in the afternoon today.  I am not ready to do that,apparently.  I was complying to the scheduled doses as they were, but I guess I cant vary it at all because I then took one in the afternoon.  So lesson learned I guess,that if I have it planned out I can do it, but changes without a lot of thinking and planning dont work.  There is a part of my head that said, "you screwed it up, you cant do it, days already ruined, so stop trying, blahblah blah"  But Im not gonna stop trying, I feel better than I have in a while this last week, but Im bummed that its not easier and I have to be so rigid.  I really want to be down to 2 by sunday, and proceed from there but I just have to schedule it more sanely.  And, its funny, I thought my stress would be LESS if I stopped using so much but daily stress is still all there.....I just dont have the "Oh Im so stressed let me pop a few" rationalization going on that I did....now i just have the stress....but inmy head i know its better, and its gonna be better on the other side, when I convince myself I dont need these pills, and find joy in other things.  (by the way, on the outside I have a great life, and "should" be grateful that I dont have chaos and crisis and drama)  Anyway, as someone referred to in another post, its that fake courage and confidence that I love that comes with the euphoria.  I miss that, and that is what I was trying to get every time I popped one.  I do not find dealing with "life on lifes terms" easy or do-able yet I guess.  Sorry for the long note, part of me if feeling like an epic failure, and part of me learned a lesson.  Thanks for being there.

[selfinduced]

Think of this like a diet but with 10 times the reward. Just cause you ate a cookie, doesn't mean you need to polish off the whole bag. If you find your not sticking to your taper than you know it's time to go c/t or have someone hold the meds. You;ll get there, I have no doubt. Just distract and do something healthy today. I wish I could convey how incredibly amazing it is once you are not controlled by pills. The stress is still there sometimes, but the joy you let back into your every day totally trumps the stress. Keep it up, YOU can do this.

[AMom1st]

You learned a great lesson.  Take it as that and keep moving forward.  You know that changing it up plays tricks with your mind.  That's the disease of addiction telling you that you messed up so why not just take more since you've blown it.  You may have blown the plan at that moment but you have not lost this battle.  Fight that demon with all you have!  It doesn't deserve control of your life...you do!  Keep on fighting!

[dominosarah]

We never fail as long as we keep trying.  Tapering is tough but you are getting so close so dont give up.  You can do this, i know you can~