once more with feeling...

[anotherfinemess]

I am 70 days clean from vicodin addiction.  I feel I've come a long way and, overall, I feel pretty good.  What concerns me is that I still can't get excited about anything.  I feel like I am merely existing on a day to day basis. It's not that I'm zombied out or anything,  its just that my brains' pleasure centers seem to have closed down shop.  I just don't have the passion  and enthusiasm for stuff.  I don't get excited about the future, I have no desire to make plans or anything.  I know this is part of the whole PAWS thing, but shouldn't I be feeling better now?  I feel like I'm making the mortgage payments at the health food store with all the nutritional supplements I'm taking!  I'm hitting the gym 3 days a week, I'm really trying to feel better and to take an active role in my recovery.  I just feel stuck in this emotion-less zone.  I am very anti-  antidepressants, but I'm getting tempted...  anyone know if/when this will lift?

[anotherfinemess]

I feel a little mid-life crisis coming on as well!  I am 49 and, even though I physically feel 29 (no lie), I feel that my life is flying by, and fear that I will be alone forever.  This can't help my emotional well-being!  But I can't help but feel there is a connection between the  recovery symptoms and this feeling of "getting older overnight".  Before I quit the opiates, I had the usual fears of aging and mortality, but was not as fixated and depressed about it as I am now.  Hopefully, both my current condition and my attitude toward it will improve.

[itsgood]

Good morning. 3:07am here in the suburbs of Chicago. Today is day 97 drug free from an opiate addiction. I have the exact symptoms you have described so well. The BIG question is wether its gradually going to get better. Its a complicated question for me because there are some things that I have to factor in. I am a 44yr old male, will be 45 in a few days. I have a 21yr old son and a soon to be 16yr old daughter. They are both great kids with giant hearts. I find myself thinking how time has flown, and feeling like I have gotton older over night. Im trying to say is this a phase of my life or mild depression or drug induced depletion of serotonin that will get better. Also I took celexa/lexapro for a few years because I had anxiety/panic disorder. I stopped taking it (cold turkey) and didnt suffer any big withdrawals but shortley after I discovered the vicodin. I abused it for aprox. 2years got up to about 15-20 aday of norco.

[wait2long]

it could be depression or just dysphoria...  if it doesnt go away in a reasonable amount of time after making a few adjustments, then you need to talk to your doctor.  i have tried everything in the book, but also just found out my diagnoses for my depression has changed, so its always BEST to talk to your doctor about this...especially if it seems to get any worse...i let it go too long without the proper treatment and help..dont do that to yourself...anti-depressants DO help most (not all) people with their depression, and you dont have to stay on it for a lifetime either...unless your depression is due to a different diagnoses...ignoring your depression symptoms CAN be dangerous if it gets worse...just pay attention to your symptoms daily...depression can be quite serious...

[anotherfinemess]

thanks everyone for your input; there's no one else I can talk to about this, so you really make me feel like I'm not in this struggle alone.  I do think I had some depression before.  I'm not altogether thrilled with the way my life is going lately but heck, who is?
But I am determined to tackle this without medication and yes, Steph, I take the 5htp-- but not the Sam-e.  I will look into that as well.  After working out tonight (running intervals on the treadmill)  I actually felt a little endorphine high.  Also, after a good strong cup of coffee, I have actually felt a little ambitious and , after a glass of wine with dinner, I will sometimes feel conversational and even a little animated-- its as though my old self is emerging a little bit at a time.  Gives me hope-- as do all of you!!
Lisa

[fishmeal]

Hmmm, you know there is a website that has a thing about using buprenorphine for depression.  Some people are opiate deficient.  I do believe that I am one of those and is still on the subs.  For the most part, you're gonna feel like this for a while longer and if you can stay away from the bupe... YES!  do that but I could not.  Now I almost got kicked off this website for giviing out a url for a forum specific to the subs but if you PM me I will give it to you to check it out.
fish

[lurker]

Hey Steph - good to see you post.  I don't think that there is anything that fixes brain chemistry.  I think that you either have it or you don't.  I haven't ever tried the supplement route but I know many who have and have been very successful at treating their depression that way. I am, well, pharmacologically optomistic" which is how I got into narcotics!!  So I guess that's why I always use antidepressants but I also think that the route you are using is great and I think that whatever works for a person is great.  

[FLaddict]

Try to give it some more time. Some people who are severly deficient in serotonin and dopamine and others takes longer sometimes up to a year.  I assume you are taking 5HTP?? What about Sam-e?? Both when used with a B vitamin complex can help alot.  Also there are some articles about nutritional stuff in my journal in my profile.  I am very big into this stuff as well since anti depressant don't actually fix the brain chemistry they mearly put a band aid on it.

[taberry]

Congratulations indeed.  I too can relate to your feelings of depression and it does sound like you may be depressed.  But I applaud the fact that you are motivated enough to hit the gym three times a week because a lot of us say we are going to do this & that and we don't!  Most addicts became addicts because they are depressed to begin with and the narcotics cover it up as "lurker" wrote in his comments to you.  You mentioned taking several nutritional supplements from the health food store and I am thinking that you may want to look into the side effects of some or any of those. A friend of mine was taking something (I can't remember the name of) from a health food store and she had some funky side effects from it.

[lurker]

Congratulations on 70 days, that is fantastic!!!
Sounds like you are depressed.  You very likely had an element of clinical depression that was covered up by the narcotics.  I too have that problem. Fortunately, my pain management/sub doctor felt that was probably the underlying reason for my abuse and started me on Cymbalta a month before I went off Norco and onto Suboxone which I took for a week and am now 24 hours off.  The Cymbalta started making a difference within 2 weeks.  I noticed I didn't feel so lethargic and was able to concentrate.  Perhaps you can try an antidepressant to see if that will help.