please offer me some advice I really need some right now.

[hippyprincess33]

I think I have a problem with cocaine.  It started when I was studying for a final with my friend back in college and we were all taking adderall to study and pass the final.  We weren't prepared for the test and couldn't buy anymore adderall from the kid who was selling his prescription so this guy in our study group suggested coke.  I did one line and so did my other two friends.  It was about 3 years after that that I did it for the second time and it was a 20 bag with one other person. Then it was about once a month with my one friend then it turned into every weekend.  My current boyfriend is amazing and we've been together 7 months. This next part makes me feel shameful, the night I met him I was coked up. He hung out with my friends and I after the bar and I was snorting lines in front of him and he politely refused but said he doesn't care what other people do as long as they are happ but I didn't do a lot or big lines.  A lot of his friends do cocaine so I was back to doing it like once a month for the first few months of our relationship then it got to every weekend and then this past spring I was pretty big into it where i would binge for weeks take breaks for a few days here and there and when i wasn't snorting I was smoking weed.  I had a bad fight with my boyfriend and it was from the cocaine and i was crying to him and told him i needed help to stop and he said he loved me and wouldnt leave me for being a nut when i was coked up and he loved me and i was DEAD set on stopping.  That weekend he came over my house and he had a bag of coke.  He said he wanted to try it (he's 28 and never did it once til thisnight) his reasoning was that he wanted to see what the big deal was because a lot of his best friends do it and now his g/f does it etc etc so of course i was over joyed b/c i didnt even have to goto thr touble of getting it and he was doing it with me.  It hasn't been non stop straight binges though there will be weeks where I won't and long weekends withhim and i wont even want it.  But not its gotten to the point where we (i say we but he hasn't been doing it like i have and he can probably quit more easily) did a 18 hours binge of non stop coke weed and booze.  Often times we'll be geekin out so bad from a binge like puking from the drip or too shakey where we say we're going to quit and thats the last time.  The first weekend we really wanted to quit he got layed off from his job that friday so we bought 3 grams and did it for the next day or two til it was gone then passed out in his bed the rest of the weekend cause we were so lifeless.  Then we stopped again and did pretty good last weekend his best friend and his wife wanted us to come hang out and chill and drink at their place bc we are all broke and didnt want to go out to a bar. we both mutually decided to stay in just the two of us at his place instead of going there then they were bugging us to come chill and said they had coke.  We both got anxious for it and started arguing about what to do and why we werent going out so he asked me if i wanted him to call his hook up and i was like if you want to i guess iwill but i dont have to so long story short he called his guy who didnt call us back and we ended up getting so stoned on weed and just watched movies which was nice but the involvement of coke in conversation and planning everything around it sucked and to be honest ikinda wanted his guy to call him back and i would have spent 100 bucks on a bag without blinking.  The next day we went and did sober outdoorsy things and that  night we went to the bar to chill with his friends and his one friend (the one who wanted us to come over the nightbefore) handed me some coke in a bag for me and my bf so i ran to the bathroom all shady and did a line and gave him the rest n he did one.  his friend shared one more line with the both of us a few hours later and let me tell you it was a bad mistake because the one line left us super anxious and then we did another one and went back to his place and passed out.  The next day was nice normal and sober. until yesterday i had a lot of bad stuff happen job/family/school/money all negative stuff that happened but unavoidable like the kind of day when it rains it pours and you feel like killing yourself but never actually would so my byofriend got 3 grams and we did a little more than one last night didn't sleep at all and both wroked all day today.  we each have about a gram for the weekend and he hasnt touched his all day (so he says) and i did 3 small lines during the day to keep me awake bc i was delirous at work (but still managed tobe productive...if that even matters) but now my question is how hard will it be for me to quit? i obviously know i need to quit if i did 3 lines today to keep me up its been hours since i did one and im getting anxious and hate this feeling of wanting more right htis second but needing to save it for tomorrow night will i have severe withdrawal if every other weekend i've been doing binges with my boyfriend and last night and today are the first times in months ive done it on a work night/day i realized the problem a fewmonths ago when i started cutting backi  really was cutting back and stuff for awhile.  What steps should I take and what can I do? I feel terrible i met my boyfriend while i was coked up and even worse that he's getting wrapped up in it now too.  he said he doesn't even have to do it but when it comes up he gets anxious for it etc and he makes me feel like im the reason he's doing it when i'm not the one sniffing it up hisnose for him you know?  i also have a mediocre 9-5 job and need some sort of ambition and i really can't even remember the days when i wouldnt have to be stone on  weed drunk and now on coke.  i thought all my money/job/family school drama was bad enough but now i've really actually come to this realization of addiction enough to actually sit here and write this out. please help me someone.

[hippyprincess33]

Hey everyone.  I'm not "worried" about what worried878 said about hoping I return to the forum.  With a nickname like worried it only makes me realize that worry is a conflicting emotion that causes nothing but stress and negativity so the bad karma is definitely not on my end because I try to remain positive even in the worst times.  I'm doing and feeling great and I even have more money in the bank that I normally would have by Sunday night. ( I get paid every friday so usually most of it is gone by sunday) Not anymore though!! Things are good so far and I'm hoping next weekend I won't get too many cravings.  Thanks so much for all of the advice suppoert and thoughts.  I really can't say it enough but I'm so gratefful for this forum.

[cathy5841]

hey girl, i am glad to see your post.  i have been thinking of ya.  glad all is good with ta.  keeping busy is great.  keep me updated k?

[hippyprincess33]

Hey worried I don't know why you got bad karma from reading my post, usualy people get bad karma when they do something that isn't moraly right, not when they read something somebody else wrote. Right? Karma is cause and effect. If you do one thing another thing will happen as a result. So if anyone has bad karma from my post its me not you right? and I know I didn't get bad karma from not flushing it either people. Sorry i didn't flush it but I'm not going to waste 100 dollars but I really am done now and I'm sorry people don't think I'm going to return to the forum or really quit or whatevr but I know I am.

[hippyprincess33]

Hey everyone.  Here is an update.  I finished it on Friday and things have been great.  I haven't beenc raving it yet and I've been keeping myself busy.  I'm going out now to do outdoorsy type things and go to dinner.  I'm sure I'll be back here later.  Thanks again everyone!

[worried878]

I hope that u return to the forum after this one last time...got some bad karma when i read it...be safe

[hippyprincess33]

I didn't fluch it.  I'm getting ready to go out right now and do it for one last time.  it feels weird this time, different from all the other times I said I was going to quit.  If I hadn't found this forum, I'm not sure I would have made tonight my lastnight I would have said it was my last but not sure if I could have done it with out all of you.  Thanks so much. Ready, set, go....

[worried878]

agree with everyone...flush....u cant make it with drugs in front of ur face...flush and put the ball in ur corner...u need every advantage u can get....cocaine affects the same receptors as narcotics but in a different way...and the rush makes it mentally hard to quit...but u can quit just like gizzy...gotta change ur social habits and perhaps ur friends...many of us narcotic users had to do this as well...[phone] find a meeting near you...now is the time...get urself ready for a mental battle and stay in touch with gizzy as he is probably more familiar with this battle than most on the forum....but even tho narcs have a physical wd...the hard part is the mental battle...stay strong and FLUSH!

[ochooked]

I totally agree with Cathy5841 -----  FLUSH IT!   If you can do that then you can and will probably beat the addiction - - -- If however, you can't or won't - then buckle your seatbelt - you are in for a rough ride until you realize just how much power this drug has over you --- It is very deceiving--

[joann1975]

I agree with Cathy and FLUSH !!!

[joann1975]

I am glad you found the forum! I don't have coke experience...but this forum is great and we all support each other the best we can!

PM is private message....on the right side of the screen you will see Health Pages click on those and near the bottom there is a site navigation that will help you learn how to use the site.

You will know when you have a PM by the right corner of the screen it says inbox and has a number.

Keep posting we are all here for you!

JoAnn

[cathy5841]

flush, flush, flush..prove to your addiction u are strong enough to overcome it....got to start somewhere....now go!!!lol

[hippyprincess33]

You guys are great.  What does PM you mean? I'm not sure what that means but I do want to know your story.  I ahve book marked this website and most likely will be on here during work tomorrow or when i get home from work but right now I need to go pass out I'm bordering on hallucinations from being up for the past 38 hours.  Thank god you guys found my post and thank god it's friday.  Maybe I will end up getting rid of the cocaine before tomorrow night but i thin i'll be able to stop if i do it onelast time with my boyfriend and we both decide to quit the same time and everything and maybe if he has trouble quitting he will come to a meeting with me i don't see myself going right away but if i get anxious about it i probably will.  Thank you so much for everything and I hope to chat in the future.  Is there anyway to make profile for this website any stuff like that and what does pm me? I guess I also need to leanr the basics of this site! Oh my what a day. Thanks again and i really hope to chat again someday soon maybe evn tomorrow or something.  Good night and sleep tight.

[gizzy32]

well i say u flush that stuff, but somehow i know that won't happen. stick around here, a lot can be learned and this place has helped me stay clean. i only attended N/A for 3 weeks when i first quit and i walked in that room nervous, afraid and had no idea what to expect, but the second i got in everyone made me feel comfortable and i spilled my guts. had the room laughing at me in a few minutes:) i learned a lot there in a short time. get rid of that stuff now, lol.

[cathy5841]

oh girl i ould be rich i have a trick to keep your mind off it..lol  i dont think that can be done..i do have a cravings list in m y journals that will give ya some pointers on beating those.  most ppl go to na meetings alone...i did not go to meetings when i  quit,  i do go now.  when i quit i did it with the help of my dad and a few others..if you are interested in that pm me and i will tell ya my story.

[hippyprincess33]

Thank you guys so much.  Friday August 15 (and most likely into the morning of the 16th of 2008 will be my last days ever touching cocaine. I haven't done it since like 445 before i left work and this site has already helped me i've learned so much so far and i even made myself some food and just talked to my boyfriend and told him i'm done after tomorrow night this is the last go round and i'm glad to say goodbye to it I can't be thankful enough that I didn't let it take me to rehab and this forum will be my support until i get enough guts to go to an NA meeting by myself.  I'm 23 and i hate doing things like that by myself but i went out to eat at a restaurnt by myself a couple months ago for the first time, weird but empowering and last summer i went tothe movies alone once.  I think i can do the NA meetings but i don't even know what they are all about and how long they last and everything like that.

[hippyprincess33]

cathy i really appreciate your response i really am thanking god i found this site and i thin i can do it but i just can't do it alone withjust my boyfriend because when we "quit" he doesnt like me to talk about my cravings with him bc he has them too and i guess he deals with it in a different way but i kinda just need to express how i feel instead of keeping it inside.  so here we go again, yet another attempt at quitting but i really promise you and gizzy and myself that i can beat it. i know my boyfriend wouldn't go to a NA meeting with me do a lot of people go by themselves? do you know any tricks or techniques for alterningyour thought patterns so you don't even think about it?

[gizzy32]

i tried to quit so many times you can't imagine. i started out using just a bit on weekends, and quickly it took me over. i went on 2, 3 week binges sometimes. just like you say, you find a reason to use. this drug tricks you into using and once the thought of coke get in your head, the obsession is something most people will never ever understand. you will have no physical w/d's. a lot of sweating and probably bad depression which causes coke users to continue to use. like cathy said you need to look into something for help and this place is a great start. it took an ambulance ride for me to finally stop, so get some help and support before this drug kills you. so glad you found this place too, you can fix this before real damage is done

oh and cathy congrats on all that clean time from coke. you are one of the longest i have seen stay clean from coke and just shows us it can be done

[hippyprincess33]

Yes, I realize this that's what provoked me writing such a long entry and I really don't even know how I found this forum but I'm really thankful you posted back I was just about to get off of my computer and go to sleep because ididn't get any response and the seriousness in your responses just made me realize that I am powerless to it and i realize it so now its me versus cocaine.  i know my boyfriend can stop i've done it longer and more than he has and we both will say we are quitting but then after a bad week or to celebrate or whatever we always find an excuse and thats not to say we dont have awesome nights and long talks about ridiculous things but i know i'm creative enough to not need this drug to have fun anymore.  what are some of the withdrawal symptoms for someone that has been weekend binging and i guess i started my weekend early (last night ) by not sleeping and staying up and doing it.  i'm just really glad i found this site and waited a little bit longer for your response.  did you try and quit when you were at a point like i am right now? do you think my relationship with my boyfriend can survive it if i was on it the first night i met him and then h started using because i did not peer pressure at all i knew where he stood and was kinda shady about it and didnt do as much as i do when i'm with him because we arent hiding it but he was hiding it from me during the week days for a couple weeks and i did the sameto him and this was like 3 months ago and we've been saying we'll stop but just can't and i just need help on how to control my thoughts about it and wanting it how did i even get to this point you know?

[cathy5841]

hi welcome to the forum, i used coke for 5 years too.  coke really has no physical symptoms, but the mental addiction is awful.  the cravings are worse.  there is no way to tell you how hard it will be to quit.  you will have to be strong and prepared to say no to your b/f too.  i would strongly recommend you go to some na meetings to get the tools you need to be successful at recovery.  you can do this..i am right at 7 years clean from a 24/7 coke habit of 5 years....my hubby used too.  i was down to 95 lbs, i am 5 6....if i  can quit you can for sure.

[gizzy32]

at this point it's going to be  difficult for you to stop, by that i mean stay clean. i could not quit this drug until i learned i was completely powerless to it. when i started i could do that line and not touch another one for a couple hours, i still had binges, but it just gets worse. soon u start doing more and more and no matter how bad things get you still can't stop. the blood is because of the cocaine eating away at your nose and eventually it will create a large hole. i just don't know how your going to stay clean being around this drug, believe me i tried too, but it won't happen. if your serious about getting clean and staying that way there is work to do. you can do this and help your boyfriend too by not giving him some again. don't let him talk u into using vice versa.

[hippyprincess33]

I was clean for 8 days until this past saturday when my boyfriends friend gave us a line at the bar we didn't even ask him for it though that's the thing, he just gave it to me so we were like eh screw it. i'm really glad you think it doesn't have complete control over me yet. i had a horrible day yesterday a ton of personal stuff and just one thing after another beyond my control family illnesses money problems (not because of drugs) with loans and school and i don't like my job because i'm too creative to work in an office so basically i've been in arut and then a bunch of other stuff came crashing down out of nowhere yesterday so my boyfriend got some coke to cheer me up and to be honest i was really just so upset that i thought i needed an all night 8 hour binge (instead of 8 hours sleep it was 8 hours of doing coke and smoking pot) this was last night went to work today and made it appear as if i was fine did my hair extra pretty more make up but my eyes were so beat at work today and i blamed it on not being able to sleep lastnight to co workers before they even mentione di looked tired or anything i just made pretend i had trouble sleeping and i did a line for breakfast a line for lunch and a line for dinner and that was hours ago. my boyfiriend and i still have a gram each and we both said after this we're done but we've said that before i had blood in my nose today (not the first time) but why blood? because its destroying my nasal passages.  How long do you have to be doing it for this to happen? and how difficult will it be for me to stop i'm a taurus and i'm very stubborn and scare dbut smart enough to know i need to stop but i'm too embarrassed to tell anyone my boyfriend is the only one who knows and his friends joke about how we always say were quitting and stuff its just so hard

[gizzy32]

how often are you using now, not sure if i read that right?

[gizzy32]

it sounds like this drug is starting to take you over. i used for 5 years and once it grabs you, it's extremely difficult to stop. cocaine rewires the brain to the point you think you need it to keep you awake, make you feel good while your out and each time you use the deeper you will get. you will need more and more and that high will go away so all you do is chase it. you have identified this to be a problem and by the sounds of your post, this drug does not have complete control of you yet, but you are definately becoming addicted. it will be difficult to stop and stay clean as cravings will come out of nowhere. my best advice to you is do what it takes to stop now before you get to see the real destruction this drug causes. it took me a long time to quit and it was the most difficult thing i have ever done. please stop now, you don't want this in your life, it will take everything away from you. it's best not to socialize with people using or be around it cause eventually you will break. good luck to you and sorry to sound negative, but this drug scares the **** out of me now and i don't want to see you go through what i did.