here we go again...

[azaddiction]

Well Here i go again, I just took a clonipin and feel a little out of it, but my concern is the fear of w/d's I cant stand them I dont want them, If I could take my Hydrocodone for the rest of my like I would feel fine, I hate when I run out and I cant find more, I panic and think (in some cases tried) to figure out how I can get more, I'm a mess with out them laze, mean, snap at my loved ones at the drop of a hat, they have no idea what is wrong with me, the only other perosn that knows tried to help me taper off a few months ago and I haven't been able to tell him it did not work, he said he would be done with me if I went back to using, so now I'm back again at square one I have about 13 left and looking for the next fill not unitl Sept 13, I hate chasing the next fix I hate the anxiety when I'm almost out and the justification of how I'm going to taper off to make the next few days, I feel like myself (funny, happy, energy etc...) when i'm using and I don't want to go back to being just existing, but I hate the existing until my next refill. My story is **** and I'm an rotten person, I'v been stealing my fiances meds for the past 3 or so year, switching out his meds for look alikes, he seems to be ok it's the whole "mind over Matter" he thinks he taking the right stuff so he doesn't know the difference, but I do. So yes I battle every day with guilt, He needs them for back pain.  I need them to get through my day, and when the day is worse I need them to make it better.  I know most of you have right reasons for starting, I do not, just an additc for no reason at all but here I am, and I hate it, but I dont want to stop, I tried all day today to make it through all day with out one I have a few left, I want to save for a wedding next week so I can have extra fun but dont know what will happen if I'm out.  I cant miss work for any reason and I don't want the **** w/d I had the last time, I think sometimes "It's not so bad" but I know it is, and I dont want it.  I hear it gets worse and worse the many times you try, I sure as hell don't want it any worse then it was before.  I cant talk to anyone I know and I do not have a Dr. I can see to help I'm alone as alone can be, and I want an easy fix, if not my hydro, then something else easy to receive to help me get through it.  i dont want to be an addict all my life but I'm not ready to stop, and I'm out of options on how to get more.  So if any one can send me some that would be great if not I know that's a **** questions in this forum and I don't want to be kicked out just being honest.  I'm not ready to stop but I think the fear is more from the **** w/d I'll have to suffer through later that makes it sooo much worse, I have no options on time off from work and no support I'd like to spill the beans to, I do appreciat this forum and know i'm not alone, bit hell I fill full of anxiety when I run out and I feel like I would do anything to get more, but that's not my reality I can't stop worst of all I don't  want to, I dont want the w/d again, dont have the time.  Please read someone and let me know what to do

[azaddiction]

I know It was stupid to ask, but I don't think the felony is in the asking is't more in the receiving, and I knew I wouldn't receive.  But thanks for the head's up anyway.  It wont happen again, but I do read on real felony's and things seem to be going fine for them, just like the person who wrote not to long ago about how she and a friend would call in their own junk, this forum is set up for all shapes and sizes we just share our life and our wants, and sometimes those wants are unattainable........ **** most what we are doing is illegal, abuse is abuse.  Sorry just got a little sensitive.

[pheggie101]

HOLD IT! .......I know how desperate things can get,i lived it thru my ex for years,but please don't ask for someone to send you pills, who knows who monitors this site,and besides in most states that's a BIG TIME FELONY RAP!.. First time i ever saw that online, best of luck to you with your fight,many people here that can help you.......Jim

[retiredrn]

Benzos can be dangerous to withdraw from.  Have you tried to taper?  I got off them and it was hard but it turns out that my anxiety was increased by the pills and I feel much better.

[Will1083]

Im addicted to xanax which is not as bad as being addicted to hydrocodiene but I do feel that same anxiety felt when about to run out. I would love to stop this damn drug and get on with my life anyone with some suggestions it would be greatly appriciated

[retiredrn]

Yes, we all loved the way the pills made us feel but then it all got out of control.  We steal and do other things that make us ashamed and we still continue.  By this time, the fear of withdrawals drive us more than how great the pills make us feel.  The poppy exerts its pull, overriding all our best intentions.  It sounds like you have almost hit bottom, where I had to go to get off pills.  Please keep posting, we've been there, done that, and really do care.

[justlikeyou]

what will work best is to get clean and start enjoying your life, any life that requires drugs to 'get by' is no life at all.

[azaddiction]

I meant I took a Clonazepam (klonopin) doesn't give me the up's like the hydro's.  I have access to other anti anxiety and what not, but cannot go myself to get any other things I see posted about, so let me know what my work best for what I have... prozac, clonazepam, buspar, trazadone, abilify, some very old zoloft (not sure still good) and other high blood presser pills, as well as others for other med conditions.  Yes they do belong to my man, but maybe wont need to much to effect him to much, let me know what kind of **** person I am, but help me get through this ****, I always come back to this forum for help and it does.  So thank all of you for just being here.....