who ever

[opi]

hi,,,,so i had a plan to quit this past sunday..just finnished a six day ,12 plus hours a day work bender( big show).i was very busy so although my wd's were insane i was so busy that i could get it out of my head....my body is in so much pain today... i went and scored,,,i wanted a couple 10 mg's but there were only 80's available, i bought several but only one for myself,,,i cut it in 6 and have done a chunk the  others pills are going to a friend who has hurt himself bad but is hiding it from work ..that was 5 days off of oxy's, my best ever....please tell me how stupid i am for breaking down and that  now i have to go through that BS again....it was a rough 5 days(hellish)...i was going to tell the wife but no need to bring her down(done enough of that)....i should have posted earlyer and get some input from the pros(you peeps)...but i waited til now(too late).....has everyone screwed up like this....5 days seems like a big throw away......give it to me....don't be gentle...normally i give it to myself hard enough but for some reason i'm not feeling that bad about it...i can't figure out why.......is it because i feel i earned it(dumb but it is all i can come up with),,i am looking for my normal guilt and self loathing but it is not here....i donno....anyway...i'm going to ice my knees...peace..love and all that....play safe

[opi]

i have been posting here for month and some,,,,i was a full blown oxy freaker..4-8 80's a day and more depending on how long i was awake...i had cut that down over a couple weeks then was doing the 2-3-4 day ct's and screwing it up but resisting the large ones...i'd grab a couple 10's or 20's...every time i'd give in but just to keep the mg's low was a big one for me or doing 2 10's or 1 20' a day was huge,,,,i've hit some big lows....have managed to hold on to the wife...hustled landlords and screwed up a lot of banking....owed him,her,them,those guys,this guy......i was in large but have pulled myself out of those bad deals....when high i do not numbs feelings,,,guilt and all that does stay with me while fried...i'm not one of those "do the dope to numb the pain" physical pain yes, feelings,,,,no.....i think i'm feeling no guilt(not totally guilt free) because i have mannaged to keep it small ....3 weeks ago i would have ate 2 80's right away and go from there...the ones i got for the friend would not have made it to them...(i dropped em off an hour ago)...i am left with 5 lil chunks of an 80 and have it scheduled...barely feel it but it takes the edge off...i have come a long way and have no plans on going back to what i was doing...i've been an opiate monkey for 10 years and an oxy head for 3 years...had control of it somewhat then 8 months ago started going crazy...bad crazy...i have a high tollerance to all dope(this sucks)..it took 7 months  to hover near the bottom..i came out of the closet cuz i was sick off bs'n the wife,friends and i kinda took charge of things and killed the cycle...i do nothing else when ct'n it and it is a rough ride...so i guess i kinda gave myself a gift today(lol,,that sound retarded)...as well as helped out a bud...(junkie boyscout)....anyway i am going to post more aften although i've said it before.. slowly but surely it is getting the oxy plan done...i will not go backwards.....been there....have always been a party boy and dabbled and went crazy on just about everything and allways come out unscathed...well kinda...the oxy's are the toughest one i've dealt with....i don't drink or do the other drugs around anymore(do smoke weed)
so far i have done alot of quitting....oxy's are the next in line...i'm smart but i am a junkie and i know this and it will end.....i think i will be addicted for life but the same goes for the booze,coke,and anything else i've done and i never have that feeling "oh man i need a drink,rail" or whatever...never pay it any attention...this is the oxy plan.....continue having my lil hickups but in the end i will win,,,i always do...anyways...just letting you get to know a bit about me/////oh...i'm 40....girlfriend of 12 years...father of  a 13 year old son(from another women)....musician.av tech/stage tech...smoke, toke...live a healthy life style besides the bad habbits...eat well,exercise...told i look 28ish(was asked for ID buying smokes),,,lol,,,,sweet...ok thx for reading/responding.......peace mang..ps...my spelling is rusty

[johnnykelly]

Hey Bro,It Happens.Addiction is a disease of re-lapse,especially these sexy little pain pills.REmember you dont have to return to full blown status. Peace-out Bro

[justlikeyou]

opi,

many people have given marriages children and homes and bank accounts to these drugs, you will continue to get worse until you get serious about quitting.the reason your not bashing yourself is because the drug is in your body so now you feel good, your mind is effected, its not what you really want, its what the drug wants from you.


the drugs are beating you.

[kyjobr]

we've all screwed up.  If we didn't, we wouldn't be addicts and wouldn't be seeking help on this site. It may not set you all the way back.  Everyone is different but during a few of my many withdrawals I would take a little something halfway through and it didn't seem to hurt.  

Your mental state is so important though so try not to be negative.  It will only make you feel worse physically.  Be positive and about how far you've come!  Look forward, not backward.  Your actions do not define who you are.  

[gmdd]

Just be strong, ask for help, post on here as many times as you need and see a doc - be honest and they can help you with withdrawal.

good luck
gina clean from vic's for over a month!