90 days today

[Back2Me]

All in all I feel pretty crummy most the time. Still a lack of energy and I know my eating habits have a lot to do with that. I have not been eating well lately. And I stopped exercising do to a always flaring up injury. And right now do to all of the above I am feeling pretty low and depressed. I have pill and H dreams about 4-5 times a week at LEAST and they are so real I wake up all messed up over it. I'm really dragging at my job, I am totally not happy here and I don't know if it's just my state of mind or of it really does suck that much. I am thinking it's both. I had an opportunity to move on that I did not take and am now second guessing that as well. I don't know if there is an answer right now or this is something that I am just still going through from the withdrawing of substances.  But this depression is no joke.
But I  believe this is my first time making it to 90 days so that is something I guess.

[ActingBrandNew]

Congrats on the 90 days!

[IBKleen]

You found the time to get your drugs, right? If you put as much of an effort to STAY clean as you did to use drugs you will be on your way. YOUR recovery should be first in your life. The other stuff will fall into place. Okay, so you have been here 5 years. How many relapses? And you keep posting that you know what to do this. I'm sorry honey but you don't know. You have a disease and it is not just about putting the drugs down. That's the easy part. You NEED to work on yourself. Your addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. Just because you don't have cravings doesn't mean everything is okay. I don't want to see you back here relapsing. You have a chance now. Surrender, get humble and ask for help. Please give it a try and if it isn't for you then okay. Go in with an open mind. I pray that you will make this time the last time.

[Back2Me]

5 years :)
I know. I know.
But it feels like if I can barely find time to do anything else how am I going to fit in all this other stuff like meetings or whatever. It's just rough to make the time and to have the energy to do it right now. I don't know what the answer is. I'm not craving to use right now. The dreams are one thing but that's  it really. They do suck but I put them out  of my mind.

[IBKleen]

And we have been talking to you for what? 4 years now? Your way isn't working honey. Recovery is a "We" thing, not a "Me" thing.

[Back2Me]

Yeah I might get back on the 5htp again. I have ups and downs but a lot of zapped energy and zero motivation and I know my nutrition is a BIG factor and I have got to get back on track with that ASAP. What I eat literally transforms my day. If it's bad food, bad day. If it's good food, not so bad. It's a direct link I have found. And I'm not just talking about getting a little tired or sluggish I mean if I eat poorly I am DONE for that day and most of the next. But one of my depression outcomes is eating comfort food to feel better. And there is the cycle. When I am feeling dumpy I just can't bring myself to have a salad lol. But knowing the problem is half the battle. I just have to do it. And start exercising slowly. My problem is I go like hell and I re Injure myself constantly. I want to feel better all at once. Have to remember its a marathon not a sprint. Easy said though.  

[luvdolphins58]

Wow that's so awesome 90 days. Major accomplished. Have u heard of St John wort. All natural. Way cheaper than other so called natural anti depressed. Also all natural green tea helps with mental and energy. Personally taste horrible but sliced lemon helps. These r just a thought. They work for me. Hang in there. U got this. Praying for u.

[EvolverU]

Hi :)

I'd echo IBK, here. I hear your determination that you never want to go back & that's great but what is it that you're doing differently this time around? I don't want to be a downer but ask yourself what it is that you're not willing to look @ or surrender to that makes you 'fall' when you do.

Congrats on your 3 Months! Well done, you.:)
Stick with it -- whatever that takes -- including exploring aftercare options that maybe you haven't, previously. I hear you on the lack of energy & the depression. These are natural outgrowths of your brain trying to readjust your transmitter levels after years of hardcore opiate use. I think that it's probably been even rougher on you with the see-sawing between recovery & use that you've been going through. I agree with you about not using an a/d in this case, btw. Just a further way to mess with your brain chemistry when it's trying to repair itself.

I'm 10 days away from 1.8 yrs & I'll tell you, it's been a hell of a ride. I experienced the same lack of 'fire' & the depression that you're describing & I really feel for you. I know, it's awful but the alternative is far worse. As I put together more clean time, I could see this more & more clearly. It does get easier if you stay the course.

Congrats again, :)

[Heather8448]

CONGRATS <3 You inspire me to keep going

[Back2Me]

It's really the lack of real energy and depression that is lingering. And the depression I believe is caused by my lack of energy and inability to sustain any type of exercise  regimen. So I eat a pizza and say f it. Which makes me feel worse. Which zaps my energy. Some of this is lingering from my abuse no doubt but some of this is self inflicted now. It's just hard to pull out if it. It seems like there is so much work to do on myself its overwhelming.   And my work is definitely suffering. I make a sick amount of money but can barely make it in and most days I'm just barely struggling through. I have been withdrawn and isolated not really wanting to engage with anyone. I have tried antidepressants before with no luck and I really don't like the idea of taking something on a daily basis again. Something that if I had to get off of would cause me even more anxiety.
Right now there are a lot of things keeping me clean, one is just the simple fact that I am not feeling well. I have only been a danger when I am feeling strong and over confident. Another big one is looking at what all the drug use has costed. And now finally understanding that one pill will send me straight back. Just one.
But if there is one thing about this that I am excited about is the fact that as of right now I don't EVER have to face another withdraw! Not even one! I don't feel like I have that looming cloud in the distance just knowing I will have to face that darkness someday. And that truly is a good feeling :)

[Amandag78]

Hey there, congratulations on 90 days !!
Hoping you feel better soon : )

[pasquisha]

Wow 90 days is an incredible milestone. Congrats!

[ariley13]

Happy 90 days! Keep fighting and it will get better. (You know this!)  :)

[Durty_South]

Congrats bro!! We are about the same time clean so if you ever need to talk or something, you can shoot me a message. Don't give in. I don't know about you, but I prefer not visiting the toilet and screaming at the ceiling 267 times a day lol. That's in your future if you go back so stick it out. Amino acids seem to help a ton with my energy levels. L-taurisine specifically(spelling may be wrong). Those dreams are annoying as all get out. I had one where every inscription of every pain pill I've ever seen was falling from the sky like a dang skittle commercial. Happened over & over but they're just dreams. You'll make it, just stick with it!

[dominosarah]

You woke up today, some were not so lucky.  You have a job, many lost theirs today and the biggest one??  You are 90 days clean!!!  Many are still out there lost and dying.  Dont wait for the world to come knocking on your door.  You have to go out and make your mark.  Start with aftercare, you wont be sorry!

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude good to see you great to see you clean...as for how you feel it is fairly normal after a habit like yours you just got to push threw it if your not already on the protein shakes now is the time go up to walmart and pick up a 2 lb can of whey protein shake mix it is only 15 bucks drink 2 a day it is full of the amino acids and has the raw protein you need for energy this helped me with methadone recovery..as for the mental ''mind screw'' your going to need a program of recovery for me N/A has made all the difference in the world it is time to try something else doing the same thing over and expecting different results is insanity keep posting for support and congrads on 90 days.......Gnarly........................................

[Jinx_777]

congrats on your clean time.  
have you considered an anti depressant???  even for short term?  i got on wellbutrin to combat the blues and hopefully it will help me stop smoking as an added bonus.  
fentanyl really messed with me, but i am prone to clinical depression anyway.  
i cannot take most anti depressants because of the side effects, but so far this one doesn't give me any.  no weight gain, no sexual side effects (not that i really care about that anyway) and it actually gives a little energy and increases dopamine (think that is the one).  it starts working in just over a week unlike the 6 weeks of regular ones.
not trying to be an advertisement for them, but it beats getting clinically depressed and using.  

[61chevy]

I am fairly new to this forum but above post is correct, a lot of recovery is mental.  U might want to consult with a licensed therapist if your depression continues.  90 days is huge.  But I have heard it said on here....recovery is a marathon not a sprint.  I am way behind your 90 but I'm not even thinking about evaluating my energy or mental state for about a year.  Most of us have abused or systems for a while.  Our bodies need lots of time to heal.  Give yourself time but u need to stay positive.  90 days is an awesome accomplishment!  Great job!

[IBKleen]

Congratulations on 90 days. That is one heck of a milestone!!! Since this isn't your first rodeo, what are you doing different this time around? You are not in a good place hun and you need to seek help (in the real world). You are on the road to relapse. We relapse before we pick up the drug. Sometimes it's emotional or spiritual. No matter what it is it happens. You are having that Stinkin' Thinkin' and that is never good. I am glad to see you here and hope that you get help this time.