18 year old son moved out!

[njt320]

My son turned 18 in April, 2008 graduated from high school.  He didn;t work all summer, owns a car he paid for but dad pays for insurance.  He just had one rule, the car had to be home at 12:30 and he had to find a job.  He found a kid that needed a roomate and moved.  He has major conflicts with his dad.  He is going to Community College and found a job in the afternoons. What should I do now?  Let him go, or try to get him back?  How do I resolve this conflict with father and son.  He is our first born son. We had one younger.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Hi there, it sounds like there are two dilemmas you are facing.  First, you are wondering whether or not you should "try to get him back".   The question that comes to mind is, "get him back" for what and from what?  For whatever his reasons, your son has begun to assert his independence more forcefully, my sense is that if you were to try to convince him to "come back,"  you'd likely push him further away at this point.  The second dilemma you're facing, the far more difficult one, involves your placement in the middle of the conflicts between father and son.  It is hard for me to say anything more, because I would need more information.  What are the conflicts between them about?  Whatever the case may be, your energy will likely be better spent on helping your husband figure out his role in the conflicts than your son, I suspect.

[njt320]

The son feels like his dad his trying to "control" him, the dad feels like the son isn't doing anything right.  
How can I help the dad let go a little?
Is there a book or CD out there that would help?

[njt320]

The son feels like his dad his trying to "control" him, the dad feels like the son isn't doing anything right.  
How can I help the dad let go a little?
Is there a book or CD out there that would help?

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

I don't know of any book or CD  offhand, I don't know if any other readers do...my experience with books and CDs is that they further illuminate the problem that you are already aware of but don't get you closer to the solution.  I believe you've got two options: 1) continue to talk with your husband about his concerns about giving up "control" of your son and his life, while pointing out to him that he is going to "lose" whatever "battle" he thinks he's fighting (unless he'd rather not have a relationship with your son); 2) Have him talk to a more objective 3rd party, such as a therapist or clergy. (which based on what little you've told me about your husband, my sense is that he would have a hard time with this one).