Tying school performance to allowance.

[alzandra]

My friend told me of an episode on TV where the nanny comes in and solves all the family's problems in 3 days.  This particular episode, however, gave me an intriguing idea, but I would like your opinion before I implement it.

The nanny suggested that the children not have an allowance that is dependant on their chores because chores should be something everyone in the family does. I agree wholeheartedly with this and believe it is a way for children to feel that they are a responsible part of the family and the family would be lost without them.

Then she suggested that you give them a weekly allowance of $1 correlating to how old the child is (in my case, 13 years, $13/week). Then she suggested that a way to change a child's behaviour is to deduct 50 cents each time the child engages in misconduct.  

I was thinking that instead of that, would it be a good idea to tie it in to "job performance" at school?  I mean, it seems that that would be a better correlation to money, wouldn't it?  I was thinking of taking money off for days skipped, days late, homework not accomplished, etc.  I mean, honestly, isn't it his job to go to school?  I see school as a preparation for the work that one must accomplish later.

And like school, work is not always pleasant.  Everybody has days when they don't feel like getting out of bed to go to work.  And we lose out financially.

I really want to find a way for my son to see that he needs to go to school everyday.  I can't show him by example because I am on disability.  There is no father, never has been; I'm a single mom on disability.  He doesn't always comprehend that I am different because of my disorders, and he wants to be able to stay home like me.  Any insights, suggestions for reading materials, etc, would be welcome.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

It depends on what behavior you'd like to encourage or increase.  If you'd like him to help out around the house, then set up incentives for him to achieve if he helps.  If you'd like him to be more active, then set it up as you have mentioned above.  

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

This is not an easy situation for you, having to convince your son to go to therapy again.  And ultimately, if he doesn't want to go there's no sense in "forcing" him to go.  However, I think that you might have a chance with him if you frame it not in terms of going to deal with "your disability," but that as his mother, you can see that he has been through a lot and having someone to sort out the impact of all that he has been through and the ways that it may be affecting him now.  You could add that you are concerned that he is keeping himself from succeeding as well as he can, and a therapist can help him with that.  In other words, you have to figure out how to suggest it in a way that gives him the sense that going to therapy will make his life a lot better than it is now.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Hello again, thanks for your post.  I have two thoughts:

1) you can try what you proposed, but IF you tie his allowance to his performance -- a) make it clear what he will lose if he misses school, doesn't hand in homework etc. (for example, that he will lose 1 dollar if he misses one day of school); b) whatever you decide to do, make sure that you follow through with it and consistently -- otherwise he'll never change his behavior; c) be prepared for him to test you.

2)  If he is staying home for reasons related to your disability, you may want to have him go talk to a therapist to help him deal with whatever emotional factors are contributing to his difficulties following through with school and schoolwork, including the impact of all the challenges that he went through when he was younger.

Good luck.

[alzandra]

Sorry for not being too clear.

What sorts of things can I use in replacement of school issues during the times he is not in school?

Would it be ok to say that if he doesn't get at least 40mins of exercise per day then deduct that from his allowance?  Would that be reasonable?

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Happy New Year...What do you do about what?

[alzandra]

Uh OH!  What do I do during breaks?  And Summer?  Do you have any suggestions?

PS Happy New Year

[alzandra]

Thank you for your words of encouragement and support.  I am glad to see that I am doing all that I can; it makes me feel more confident in my parenting skills.

I have used all the reasons that you have suggested with my son to get him to go to therapy.   I'll just have to be repetitive I suppose. I also tell him that with some of the things he tries to bring up with me that I don't have answers for, he could benefit from going to a counsellor.  Eventually, I believe he will see that.  I always tell him that seeing someone will make his life alot better.  

Thank you again.

[alzandra]

Thank you for your feedback.

I will make sure to be consistent in order to break this behaviour.  My son has always been the type that if you forget or mess up just once, then you will never again have that particular discipline work for you ever.  

I asked him what he thought of my plan and he is all for it.  We will discuss now what the consequences will be and I will write them and post them at home and in his agenda.

I expect him to test me.  Every single day.  I, fortunately, have a very good friend who I can count on to call me on my actions and decisions.  She will also have a copy of our agreement.

I agree that my son does need to see someone about my disability.  However, when he did go, he hated it, and said he didn't want to go.  So the counsellor told me we couldn't force him to go to therapy.  How much should I push him to go?