afraid...

[sweetpea03]

I have a congenital medical condition and it is pretty easily hidden under clothing. No one at my work knows I have a medical condition and neither does the guy that I have somewhat been dating(unofficially dating, I don't know) for the last few weeks. I feel like I should tell him, but I'm afraid he'll leave me. During my last surgery, quite a few friends left me and only a few stuck around and were supportive. Even my "best guy friend" left me and we haven't talked since, even though I have tried to talk to him repeatedly. The surgery before that wasn't as bad, but this last one was horrible. A coupe "friends" came back and we have hung out and stuff since then, but they did briefly abandon me. I don't know how to tell him. How do you tell someone about something like that?

[sweetpea03]

ok. Thanks so much. I'm going to try and tell him tomorrow. I don't know if I'll chicken out or not, but that's the plan.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

I don't know that there is a "perfect way" of handling this situation.  With that said, if you may want to let him know what you have let me know, that you have a medical issue that you'd like him to know about, it's difficult for you to talk about because of the reaction you've gotten in the past but you feel it's important for him to know.  If you'd like him to wait until you're finished telling him the whole situation to ask questions, let him know that as well.  This is no guarantee that he will be receptive, but it gives you one idea of how to approach the topic.  

[sweetpea03]

I don't want to go any further in this relationship I'm in, unless I tell him. I don't find it fair to him if I don't tell him pretty soon. How should I bring up the topic in a conversation? any other thoughts on the matter?

[sweetpea03]

It does have a lot to do with reactions I have gotten from friends. Though my ex got weirded out by it when I told him. He said he didn't care, but always acted strange toward me from then on and I found out that he cheated on me a month later. I don't know how he will react, but thoughts of previous reactions always enter my mind. I don't want to be treated differently just because of this. I don't mind having this condition and have come to terms with it. It's just something that's there and I just deal with it. I do have a physical deformity from it and quite a bit of scarring, especially since my last surgery which left me looking more noticeably deformed. Though I can still hide it pretty well. Right now it's winter, so the clothing can hide it, but when the weather gets warmer I don't want to be wearing pants to try and hide it. People have been grossed out by it before, including a friend that I thought I was close to. The only other guy I have told was a friend of mine who is interested in the medical field, since I knew he wouldn't care and would find it more interesting than anything else. how would you bring up the topic in a conversation to tell him about it?

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

I may not understand the whole situation that well, but I'm not clear exactly why you think he would leave if he found out you had this condition.  I can imagine that part of your fear has to do with the reactions you received from friends, is that it?  Is there any other reason?  A few things to think about: 1) how do you imagine he will react to hearing the news, exactly?  2) How do you feel about your medical condition?  3) Is there an accompanying scar or physical deformity you're worried about showing him if you are not wearing certain clothing?  Are you feeling that you want to become more intimate with him and are afraid he will see or feel the malformation and be turned off?  While I cannot guarantee this, often (not always) people who are afraid to share something with a partner feel much worse about the issue to share than the partner who doesn't know.  

[sweetpea03]

It's a mircrocystic lymphatic malformation, diagnosed as lymphangioma circumscriptum, though I find the terminology of the diagnosis to be out dated. I have been going out with him for a month and a half, and don't want to keep hiding this from him. But I'm afraid he'll leave once he knows about the condition. I really like him, and wouldn't want him to leave, but don't know how to bring this up in a conversation. ideas/thoughts on the matter?

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Prior to responding, I was wondering if you felt comfortable being more specific about your medical condition.  It would help me to understand better what you may be grappling with.  Also -- how long have you and the guy been dating?  Do you think that the situation has potential to become more serious?