when does sexual Curiosity become Perversions? or what is normal sexual behavior for a 14 year old boy?

[MrsVain]

This year we have had some issues come up with my 14 year old. Alone it might have seemed normal but together it is making me wonder if this is normal behavior or the precursor to preversions. A year ago(maybe 2)i found porn on the computer confronted the boy and finally he admited it was him, i felt we had a sucsful talk about sex, pict, internet porn, what my feelings were and whats expected of him. Aprilish, i found more porn on the computer, he denied it, until i showed him the datestamp then he confessed. i said i had aready gone thru this with him before, which his embarassed response was whats the big deal mom everyone does it. part of me agrees. i dont have a problem w/nakedness, or porn. dont want him seeing the hard core **** thats out there.this time put on a content filter, that has completely locked up the internet.Before then he also was busted at his cousins house on his cousins computer on a web site.my cousin called me to let me know she walked in and saw porn site on the computer.i apologized telling her i talked with him befor but i need to talk to him again, her reply was she had her son computer password protected so her son was also involved she just did not know which boy initiated it. in august my son went to a football game at another school (cousin goes and my son previously attended 2 yrs ago) and get accused of solication of a sexual act-the sheriff interpretted as he tried to force a girl to give him a ********. My son denied it and i at first believed it because it is out of character for my son, who cant even ask a girl to dance.the investigation cleared my son of the charges, the girl (17) does this for attention and just "wanted to get my son in trouble". her words in the report. i would not have even brought that up except during the investagation i found myself doubting my sons word and wondering if possibly he is doing more then i think.

[MrsVain]

Well, we are a very complicated family...LOL that is for sure. This year has had its ups and downs, and i started to doubt myself.

thank you again for your answers and your sense of humor. I appreciate your honesty and i really needed an outsiders view of things. It has helped me tremendously and put everything back into perspective. I am back in control when i am needed. and not questioning everything.
whew. what a relief that is....

since the dawn of time, huh, darn. I wish someone would have wrote a book or a thesis about it. but i strive to find the answer for the good of humanity. LOL {lets hope i do} and i will for sure publish it for all other parents and clinicians alike.

I am so happy that i ran across your forum. and will probably come back with more questions. {i did mention the 5 children and my losing my mind, right?}
thank you and happy holidays.
take care.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Thank you for your additional information -- it seems that there is a lot going on at home.  Before I add anything, let me just say that parents and clinicians alike have been trying to figure out how to get teenagers to finish their math homework since the dawn of time.  I think all you can do there is make your son aware of the consequences of not doing the work, and he'll continue to learn the impact of his choices.  As far as where your son's awakening curiosity and interest in sexual matters is concerned, I would reiterate that you may want to continue to "monitor" him, though I don't get the sense that anything more drastic is necessary.  As an aside, I would imagine that your kids are aware that something is going on between you and your husband, though from what you've written it is not clear to me the impact on your son.  Thank you again for sharing your story and good luck.

[MrsVain]

thank you so much. like i said before if it was just one at a time, i would have thought it was normal, but all this at once well had me very very worried. I appreciate your time and response. It was very helpful.
To answer your questions: I do have alot going on in my household. i have 5 children and each have their own "normal" issues. There is always something going on. lol. this was just the year it all hit at once it seems.
The allegations have been completed dismissed with an apology from the girl. Apparently it was all fun and games for her, (she had done the same thing previously at another school to another boy), i am still unsure if we are going to press charges against her or not. " I get the sense that the allegations against him have thus far been unfounded, I'm not sure what to make of the fact that he has been accused by a girl and your daughter of inappropriate and aggressive behavior." Me neither, it seemed too much. but i am still working on that issue. squeezing in introgation questions to both when they least suspect it, and getting closer to the truth but not there yet.
"I'm not sure what else you can do other than to continue to convey to him the importance off treating girls/women with respect and monitor him as you have been. "--Do you have any suggestion on how i should do this. I am afraid i have ran out of ideas.
And your last question: not his dad but the man i have been married to for 8 years. He was 5 when we started dating. so it is the only dad he knows. Unfortuately, my husband is not very strong willed (as i am apparantly) and the kids walk all over him. And as if that is not enough, he is not a great role model for the kids either. {in fact, i have been going thru alot with the man and am not sure if we are going to make it, i am completely against divorce, but i am doing more now then i was when i first married him and i dont think i can deal with it. that being said, we dont fight or complain or whine in front of the children. I mean a few times the kids have seem us fight, but most of the time it is one or the other parent at home and we work hard on making things "look" normalish. i know they know something is going on, but i dont think they have any clue how serious it is.} But we both respect each other and the kids have seem us talk things out also. It is just that my husband is NOT a good role model. that is a whole nother issue right now i am just concerned on my 14 year olds behavior. Also thou, my father is a GREAT role model and my son has him to look towards. they live about 400 miles away but we go see them at least once a month. Of course my son, is also butting heads with my dad right now. As well as my sisters husband and her 6 boys, we live in the same town, all have some positive input with my son.
thank you again for your answer. and if you have any idea on how i can talk to him about respecting women and any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Also if you have any clue on how to get this boy to turn in his math homework, i would worship the ground you walk on. heheheh
take care.

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Hi there,

There is A LOT going on in your house at the moment, that is for sure.  One thing is that your son, at the very least, is curious about sex, sexuality and women, seemingly trying to figure out sex at the moment, and is using who or what is available and comfortable -- porn, asking questions of people other than you.  This seems, from what you have told me, age appropriate behavior -- it is certainly not unusual for teens to turn to people other than their parents for answers to these questions.  Of greater concern to you, understandably, is how he may or may not be behaving in an aggressive sexual manner with girls.  I get the sense that the allegations against him have thus far been unfounded, I'm not sure what to make of the fact that he has been accused by a girl and your daughter of inappropriate and aggressive behavior.  I'm not sure what else you can do other than to continue to convey to him the importance off treating girls/women with respect and monitor him as you have been.  One question before I conclude -- is his father around?  I ask because it seems that you are handling these issues on your own, and I wondered if he has had a model of how men and women treat each other in relationships.

[MrsVain]

now on the "Biggies". shortly after that, septemberish, my 11 year old daughter (who i am also having issues with, she is stealing, lying and has attitude sometimes, not all the time: at first i thought the attitude and lying was premenstral but that does explain the stealing--which happened in may) accused my son of asking her if he could hump her. She was not aware of the previous incident to my knowledge but MIGHT had overheard something. i was pretty torn up about it and kids can hear things surprising well even thou i would talk outside or somewhere. Her exact words were (which are not logical to my mind) "Whenever X(my son name) is mad at her, he goes into her room (their rooms are separated by a pocketdoor) and trys to bribe her by telling her she can play the computer, on W.O.W or runescape and he will get her acct so far, and give her $$ on the game from his account, or make her person on which ever game to be a expect whatever if she will only let him get on top of her and hump her."  The reason it is not logical are the following:1. if he was mad at her, why would he even bother to beg or bribe, why not just do it?  2. W.O.W (world of warcraft) is a paid subscriber play site, which i have not renewed due to my sons grades so therefore he hasnt and cant play it until he renews the subsicription. and hasnt actually played either W.O.W or runescape for months. 3. my daughter has her own acct on runescape which she also hasnt play for a while, 4. i have 4 computers at home so if he is on one computer my daughter could be on another computer and therefore how can he "let" her play on the computer when she has that options available at any time? and 5. this little girl throws a fit if my son hits her, trips her, sometimes even walking by her if she thinks he is going to turn off tv, radio or computer. she is yelling and punching or kicking at him, screaming at the top of her lungs (she is the loudest i believe) but her brother goes into her room (which is also a hissy fit offense) and asked if he can hump her and she never says a word?
he says he never did (but has also denied being on porn sites until i was able to show proof) and actually came up with some logically issues, such as he has a girlfriend so why would he need his sister, and she is his sister (how gross) and there were other ways and he did not need his sister (guessing he was hinting at masturbation). she on the other hand also swears she is telling the truth and not lying. but has been busted several times saying those exact words and proven otherwise several times before and after this accusation. i havent made a conclusion, talked to him like he did it -- never with your sister and belittling women and respect and i talked to her also-- she is to yell immediately for me, and yell for him to stop and to run away or get away somehow. i did tell both children that i still was not sure but intend to find out the truth, no matter how long it takes. that it was hard to believe either one of them but i was doing an investigation into it. Truthfully i am leaning more to his side then to hers.
and finally the kicker that prompted this question. after 7pm my son is allowed my cell phone to talk to his friends. sometimes he texted them, which i would find all history of texts deleted but just figured he did not want me to read them. so last wednesday my 22 year old daughter tells me that my son has been texting her friend and my adult friend questions about sex. apparently he asked her friend (who was stored in my contacts and my son has grown up with) questions such as what was her favorite sex position. how often did she has sex, how big were her boobs now. (she has moved to another state and is pregnant) what was the strangest place or postition she ever had sex, and if she has had anal sex and if it hurt. i called the girl and got this info from her. i asked her if it was bad and she said no not really. nothing she thought was "bad". other guys have asked her the same questions from time to time, it was just awkward for her because he was "the friends little brother" wierd. she was not offended and felt like he was just courious.
so is all this normal for a 14 year old boy in today age. of course i am offended by each instance, as they were pretty much unheard of when i was that age, however i realize the sex going on at schools and tv, and videos and so forth. and if it was just one thing, i probably wont even question it but it is like too many all at once.
should i be worried. if not, when does it become a problem? what are the warning signs? what is my next step for the future.