how can I behave with my 11 years old son?

[blexhina]

Many people say about my 11 years old son that he is perfect. Actually he is perfect in many aspects, very inteligent( this has been noticed by everybody since the early age), correct and nice good looking  boy. What concernes me as his mother is that he is extremely shy and sensitive. Sometimes  he is not opened to his parents. He is very kind and good heart but he just dont show it.  I can see and feel his anxiety even when he do as simple things as say hello to a guest at the family. When he is asked about something  his answers are as short as possible and speaks in low voice which I'm afraid can'not  attract the others attention. It seems to me that he is loved by his class mates and friends and he is somehow more opened to the friends of his age.Although of what i have noticed he likes to go out and play.  However I'm concerned about him as I want my boy to be opened  and have higher self estreem
looking forward for your answer, blexhina

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

Hi there, I sent you more questions about your son, since I did not receive a response, it is hard for me to say anything definitively.  I wondered, how long have you noticed him acting the way you describe?  All his life, or is it a more recent change?  I agree with wishforchange's comment that he seems more comfortable with friends than with family, and if anything, given the increasing importance of peers for a child as they get older, his comfort with his peers would be reason for you to feel more encouraged that he is able to handle himself in the world.  Another question for you, (echoing wishforchange's question), what do his teachers say?  Does he show the same behavior at school as he does at home?

[wishforchange]

Hi,
It does sound as if you have a lovely lad.  I am not sure what the problem is here.  
Has he always been like this, or has his behaviour changed towards you recently?
If this is a recent change, it may well be the start of his entering puberty, where his relationship with his parents inevitably changes and he will naturally emotionally distance himself.
If he has always been like this, it may be just how is is as a person.
You say he is loved by his friends and enjoys playing, which sounds like his confidence is there socially.  If in these situations he does not have anxiety then this is likely more a problem with his relationships in the family than within himself, as it seems he becomes more closed off with yourself and guests.
Can you think of any reason he may feel shame about some aspect of his family?  Having said that, most children entering adolescence are embarrassed by their parents or family, regardless of how great people they are.
If he is doing well at school, happy and open with his friends, and able to relate to his peers well, then mabye you just need to allow him to be who he is.  Pressuring him to talk to you may make him clam up further.  If you really think there is an underlying problem, you can maybe talk to his teacher, he may be more willing to talk to an adult outside of home.  The reason why is something maybe only he knows at the moment.  
If you want to explain more what your concerns are that would help.  Or the expert answer or others I'm sure you will get soon may have more insight.

[Emerald444]

"My dilemma is if I should leave my son to be the way he is or help him  be better  and prepared to challenge all difficulties he may encounter in life."

I am not a doctor but I would like to say that I think both of these are important. It is knowing which one is appropriate in which circumstance. Although I must say the two are not always mutually exclusive. Sometimes bettering myself means to become more of what I already am. What I mean is, when I was young I wouldn't have wanted my mom to try and help me be better or prepared by trying to change who I was. Who I was at the time was vital to my growing process and and integral part of who I am today.
From,
a normal person

[Jason Greenberg, Ph.D.]

At the moment, I don't think that he needs "help" from an outside source, because it does not sound like he is suffering too greatly; it sounds like it may be more difficult for you, at the moment, as you see aspects of yourself in him.  You may be able to help him at home though, by rewarding him when he speaks up and lets you know what he wants.   Other than that, you may want to continue to encourage him to take initiative.

[blexhina]

Hi doktor,
I thought I sent you some days ago a message but probably did something wrong -sorry for that. My son has always been over sensitive and shy kid though I can see it more recently. Teachers say that he is active in class but  should be more confident on his opinions on various matters as he has all the possibilities to be so (another one says that he is confident but in quiet way). They also say that he seems happy, play and is loved by his school mates. Actually it is not my fear that he will not be loved by his friends as he is kind , very bon sense person, intelligent, mature and correct. My fear is that beeing so sensitive and clossed off he will suffer himself. He never request  as all kids do with their parents for games or anything he might need. We have to guess or ask him in order to understand his wishes.  He likes to play but always wait for his friends to call him, do not take the initative. I know that this might be genetic as I see a bit of myself at him but can it change? Do you think he need some help apart of what I can offer him as a parent

[blexhina]

thank you for your comment. Sometimes I think the same.
My dilema is if I should leave my son to be the way he is or help him  be better  and prepared to challenge all difficulties he may encounter in life. Beeing so sensitive and closed off (he has always been so though I can notice it more now) I'm afraid are not good signs for his happiness in the future.  It is true that he is more opened to his peers but still  does not express himself when he might be sad or ofended, preferes to  leave the others the   initative for many things when he has all possibilities to be better.