exhausted need advice on this

[nuggetone]

My dad has alzheimers.  He was diagnosed about 3 yrs ago.  He has cirrhosis of liver, diabetic too.  He takes several meds daily plus vitamins.  His amonia level get high and he has to drink this stuff to make him have a bowel movement to get rid of the amonia our body has.  He takes it if he wants to and is suppose to 3 times a dy.  If he soesnt take it he is in a real stupor, slow and tired.  The alzheimers is getting to where he says he hates me and I am his daughter which has always done everything for him along with my mom.  Mom just had surgery and is in a cast and can only get around on a walker.  So she needs help as well.  I help both.  My dad argues anytime I say anything.  He has gotten in my face and called me a B***h and Wh**e and even tried to hit me.  I am scared he is going to hurt my mom but she says no he want.  I cant get her to understand I think it is time he goes into assisted livein or nursing home.  He is only 64 and so is mom.  I work 8-9 hrs a day then go by their house to see what I can do to help.  I dont mind at all.  My dad now wont even speak to me so I dont say anything either cause if I do he will just yell.  He has went 7 wks without a shower and then some days he will cook, water plants, act normal but then here we go again.  Any Advice would be helpful.  By the way my other sister takes up for my dad and she is a pill head so they get along good.  My brother hasnt been in town much lately due to work and he has gotten into screaming matches with dad.  Mom says she just cant put dad elsewhere but she needs peace.  

[BossLady406]

Sounds as if you are doing all you can & then some, and ircb. Think it would be harder for me to look after my dad than husband. I couldn't 'sass' dad, but I get angry with my husband (4th yr into Alzheimers) He is so hard headed & he too, doesn't like a bath. He will go for weeks without one until I take sheets off bed until he gets in shower. He seldom flushes commode, he picks his nose ALL the time. Do either of you have that problem with your loved ones? It is a hard life, but with The Lord's help, we'll make it. Will be looking forward to 'chatting' again. I just joined.

[nuggetone]

No my dad wasnt a vet.  He was a manager of grocery stores for 25 yrs.  He was a joking type person but could always be short tempered too.  I am divorced with a 25 yr old daughter that is a RN,  We do the things she tells us as she workd at one of the finest hospitals here.  I only go to dad telling him things when mom cant take no more.  I guess I am her support group.  Dad has a dog, a pug.  He loves her. His daily life consists of lying around watching sports on TV, sleeping, watering plants and sometimes takes out garbage.  He dont want to go anywhere.  We ask him all the time.  However on fathers day he asked me to take him to church and I did.  He hasnt gone back.  He has one friend that still comes by to see him maybe 1 time a wk.  He use to work with this man.  He has been so rude to others no one wants to come around.  My B-day was Aug 3rd and he knew it cause mom talked about it.  It was the first time in 45 yrs he didnt tell me Happy B-day.  He didnt speak to me.  However yesterday he did say a few words casually.  Oh and one of his past times in eating alot.  He wants to eat all the time.  He weighs 300 +.  I have had back surgery and cant tug on him.  Mom is in cast and cant do that either plus she has back problems.I did look up pick and it does sound like him so I printed it and mom is taking it to the DR. tues when he goes. Mom is  a very giving person and just says she will have to do it all plus help from me.  We both get frustrated and I cry and she asks whats wrong and I just tell her its hard to have my dad treat me this way. Anything he says to me is demeaning towards me even thou I know what he is saying is a lie.  My dad told my mom her hair look like someone set off a firecracker in it cause she has been in bed with surgery from leg and cast and of course her hair is not fixed.  She said well your sticks to your head cause it is so oily, you need to wash it.  Of course he got mad and mom said well you throw atones so I did. I have lost about 12 lbs lately trying to do for them and my home and I am exhausted.  I take valium at night to sleep and that is the only peace I get.  I work 40-50 hrs a wk and go to work like nothing is wrong and sometimes I break down and cry in the bathroom at work.  I clear my face and go bk out  and put on that fake smile but it is so hard.  I know nursing homes are not all wonderful but maybe assisted living to give mom peace.  I worry about her too.     My dad said I got 11 tomatoes day before yesterday off the plants and 11 yesterday and I said well how many today and he just said I told you 11 but he said the day before yesterday and yesterday not today.  I didnt say anything  back.  He just doesnt realize he has a problem.  Seems so simple to some people but it can wreck your world.

[rbcf]

Was your dad really nice person when he was younger?  Think of what made him laugh what was his favorite place, Who did he like to see of his friends ,  Ask your Mom if she knows.  Maybe if he likes animals bring one in for him to see .  Roger liked his parrot but wouldn't let my dog in the house only when it snow so deep that he couldn't get into the dog house.  Later when he got old he was in all the time and Roger changed  and started to like animals and fell in love with a rabbit named Inky.  We also had a cottontail name bun.  He has been taking care of the pets now and that is what keeps him going.  He is in love with the dog Topsy, rat terrior, He won't hug me or kiss me which he use to cuddle all the time now he turned his love to the animals. But they don't tell him he can't do things or treat him like a child.  That is one thing My husband says to me I am your husband don't treat me like a child.  I can not get though to him things that he don't understand and I get frustrated also. I try to say it several different ways hoping he can understand it .  Than after saying it more than twice I catch my voice raiseing and he says I'm yelling. Which in turn gets him mad and yelling back.  Than things get out of hand and I try to leave him alone until he calms down.  But it isn't easy to do every thing by your self and Your husband says we should do it this way and you know it isn't going to work so you do what is right even though it goes against his ways of doing things.  If your  Mother is only 64 she should be still in charge and unless she has a problem Let her make the choice of what to do.  64 isn't that old and she will be better at working with him .  Are you married?  How would you take to your kids telling you how to live.  Would it be better if your husband worked with you or the kids. If I was sick and My husband was there it would be easier to listen to him. but if my daughter came and told me what to do when I done it all these years I would put up a fight.  My mom fights my brother and any one else also.  It is a rule of thumb Kid will fight and so will older people with set minds. Ask your Mom what she thinks and ask her how he can get better care. There is a time when people know when something has to be done.  Your Mom will know if she opens her eyes to see with your help.  Ask her advice what she wants done.  Most people go in and only see one side of things.  Have a deep talk over coffee in a place that is comfortable and just ask what she needs help with and say to her If you need help I'm here and let me know what you and dad need.  Their lives are turned up side down.  There is fear of the unknown and life changes.  I'm trying to plan for the future / what future/ don't have family to help so It is just my daughter and Myself but go on and take one day at a time.  Was your Dad a Vet?  Get your mom and family to go to an Alz. support  group.  They will tell you what happen in their family and how they cope with their problems.  Sometimes a little thing is so easy you think it can't possibly work but it does.  One lady said that to get her mom to be unbeliveable happy was to give her a gift and she unwrapped it / the box and wrapping brought so much joy that when she wasn't looking her daughter took it back in and wrapped it again.  gave her it again and again she was just happy.  like a small kid.  She didn't remember the item in the box but getting presents was the great joy.  Here I go again I talk write to much.  My time away from things.  Remember Let your Mom and Dad make choices.  What kind of life does your Dad have left. He don't want to spend what left away from his wife and home and he is scared.  Think about what you would want. Would you want to live in a nursing home staring at the walls, setting in a chair,smelling urine and hearing screams , moan , waiting and waiting to go to the bathroom or be at home where you can go to your own bed, watch tv until you want to go to bed or  wait for dinner and you have to eat cold toast waterdown potatoes, get up same time every day and go to bed before it is dark. Very bad unless you really didn't know what was going on around you./ that is the time when it is okay to leave your home when you don't know much else. That is my hope to do with my husband , home until he doesnt know what is going on around him.  Than and only than will I fill I did my best. unless I can't take care of him because I phyically can't.  I took care of my dad until I couldn't lift him by my self/ very bad back but he passed away that night.  I had a back operation. so I hope I will be able to do better.  Also I would buy a lift like at the Nursing home and will plan on using home health and Hospise if he stays home.  I know I can't do everything  on my own . And please don't blame your self if anything happens because you can't do everything either.

rbcf

[nuggetone]

I  will look up picks.  My dad will still not talk to me and it has been I guess about 2wks.  He goes into another room when I come over.  He lies alot about everything.  I know his brain isnt working right. I understand that.  But he wont give in with me.  He wont even look at me and talks bad about me to my mom.  It really hurts.  Today my mom said he showed her a place near his groin about the size of a volley ball.  She said it looks like atheletes feet.  I suppose fungus.  Where he wont bathe.  She put some ointment on it and washed it real good and told him he will have to do it again tonight.  He probably wont.  My daughter came up to and she is a RN she said fungus.  He dont have much to say to her either cause she is my daughter.  Thanks for the input and caring thoughts.  By the way I stayed with an alzhemiers patient in her home for 4 yrs and she was a sweet lady like you were describing. Her family took her out of nursing home cause they didnt take care of her either.  She would just smile when I came in and would stroke my hair and would say pretty.  She couldnt speak but one word at a time and she couldnt feed herself or bathe herself.  I could tell what she wanted or meant just by looking at her and talking to her.  I wish my dad was like this instead of mean.  She had 24 hr care and I loved her.  I stayed a few nights thru the week and From fri- sun morning.  Plus I worked a 40 hr wk elsewhere.  Thank you for your posts.

[rbcf]

He sounds like my husband and he has Picks- Frontal lobe dementia - its starts in the 40 - 50- 60's;/  Agression and reasoning is the main things.  He will fight over every little thing.  He is going to be 66 in sept.  My husband will be at home until He can get into a VA home but it won't be until we get down to 85,ooo dollars in asset. or 2000 in the bank.  It costs around here $5000 dollars amonth.  If he don't have nursing home insurance they have to pay it all until social service can help.which means you have nothing. He can hit and it is best to back up and out of sight at times.  See if you can get help in home through home health /what it is called here.  Go to hospital and check into it.  Nurse may be able to come in and help with the bath checking and giving meds.  It all costs money.  He may not fight them because they are not famaily .  My husband takes it out on me/ frustation.  Put your self in their shoes and think what would happen if you didn't understand what was going on.  They don't remember what they did most of the time.  Not taking baths and fighting is part of the things they do.  He sounds more like Picks because normal and than not normal than normal.  You never know when he can do something or he can't.  Nursing homes are not all that great- I've worked in one and the aids leave the patients on the toliets for long times. Or doesn't come to get them to the bathroom so long that they have accidents. My friend had her call lite on for over 30 minuites and I finally stepped in the hall and caught someone comming by , it than took them another 20 min.  to come.  She was in tears.  The flu came and she got it and was gone in two days.  When flus get into there the patients all get it.  I have seen people that had food shoveled food in their mouth as fast as the aids could and almost choked.  I've seen aids stealing things and patients also.  One friend I went to see was strip down to under wear no covers and a fan on him.  He was so cold the bed was shaking and he got sick and died that night.  Most of the times the aids are in a hurry because the place only allows them so much time with the patient that they don't even get asked if they need anything .  We had a woman that was 94 and blind.  she was walked from the bed to the bathroom to a chair no one came to see her most of the day. Than from chair to bathroom to bed. after nap back to bathroom to chair. than to bathroom to bed.  The only time they talked to her meals and bathroom calls.  I use to stop and talk with her and she would almost fall out of the chair balling because she was so lonely.  I fell in love with her.  They don't get the love or the enviroment they get at home and a lot of the people go down hill faster when they go in.  Go in and see what it is like .  Listen to the screams at night and days of some.  Some people do good some don't.  I've seen from both sides.  My mother in-law also had alz. and she didn't get anybody to talk with her.  
when I came up she didn't know my name but said there is my freind.  and I sang songs like the one she loved and she would sing with me. After I lelf no one came to talk with her and she set in a chair day in and day out.  Find things that your father loved and see what he will do. He is scared and the frustation is so high.  find something that he can do that he can't hurt him self.  Talk about family and things he done and when and maybe hug him- say you're sorry even if you have nothing to be sorry say you love him often and find things that will make him laugh.. Some Alz.  Units /homes are not bad.  check on activity and maybe before he goes in have him spend some time there- here they will take care of people like adult day care.  Get him out to one of these places and see how he does.  I have a lot of trouble with my husband-He wants to drive and he got mad at me for a week when I said he could drive his motorcycle and he sceamed at me for 5 days over and over .  I had a mirgrain for the last 3 days and finally blew up and screamed at him to leave/he said he was going to leave and so I packed his bags and screamed back at him to leave over and over. I tossed the bag at his feet and said leave.  He got a sober face set down and said he wouldn't divorse me and he than said he is stuck and so am I.  He quit going at me on that.  THe one thing I figured out is to get out of sight when he gets mad and than come back to him later.  If he has Alz. you should be able to distract him.  Picks their Memory is better and you can't get him onto another train of thought. Sorry this is so long.  I hope it helps. Also check wiith Alz. association and they might know other things to do and when it is best.  If he gets mad at your Mom than it may be time.  If you get him into a nursing home or other place don't fill bad.  I told my husband I would try to take care of him until I couldn't but if he started to try to hit me or our 12 years old he would leave sooner than later.  I hope this helps. Wish you the best.

rbcf