Avatar universal

spouse death

My parents were married for 62 years and had an incredible bond. Both were disabled in different ways and suffered dementia, though my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer. My mother has passed away nine days ago. My father has not realized she is dead and is constantly looking for her. We told him she is away at hospital for check ups...
He keeps askin when she will be back...we really are not sure what to do. We do not want to drug him into a zombie.
Any ideas?
Thank you
6 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
Your comments are very inspiring and thought provoking. it gives me a lot to think about. I will watch my dad carefully and look at him in different eyes.

not sure what the grief and loss community is but i think this post will suffice.
many many thanks
Helpful - 0
1530171 tn?1448129593
Hi mumsile, sorry for the passing of your mom.

Your Dad KNOWS, in his Spirit, that her body is gone.
The eyes are the Gateway to the Soul. If you look in his eyes,
you will see a childlike sadness and this is the indication that he knows, not at the cognitive level, but the Soul level!

While the advice to lie to him about her death makes sense at first,
however, from the lens of deeper wisdom, understanding the fact that we are not just a body with flesh and bones, but also a Spirit with a Soul that never die, you can answer truthfully that she's ALWAYS around,
but just not there physically.
And if you are able to connect with him at the Soul level, he will not argue this. There's something almost magical and divine that takes place there!

One thing we assume in Alzheimer's sufferers, is that we understand their
condition and how THEY are based on what we see and know from our own limited perspectives!
That is FAR from the truth. And to assume that their Soul and and Spirit
are equally impaired or to ignore their presence, because of their cognitive  decline from Alzheimers is not only a disservice to them but a huge let down by the people who care and love them.
We have a lot to learn!

May God Bless you and your family.

PS. Would you consider to post on the Grief and Loss Community as well?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Gee, thanks so much that's really helpful and encouraging.
god bless
Helpful - 0
212161 tn?1599427282
wow so sad your going threw this with both your parents, man thats not easy went threw it with just mom and it was very hard on me.

ok when mom was like 7 years into it her mom passed, so dad told her she was very up-set and cried a lot, than she forgot it and ask about her mom a few weeks later , dad told her again that her mom had passed , she was shocked and so sad.   i talk to her dr and he said do not tell them someone they have loved is gone.   yes you need to lie to him, , sad to say but its to protect him, moms dr said its like it just happen everytime they here it, so have to be very careful of what you say because to them its just happen and they relive the pain and feelings all over again

so we started telling mom, her mom had just left to go to store or she went home and would be back later. she belived us and it helped.

lots times mom got bed ridden the last 12 months of her life, but she never said she wanted out of the bed, i would sit beside her hospital bed in her living room( which was in my basement built in for them so very close ) and tell her how are day of shopping at the mall had gone , she would agree it was fun and say she was tired from all that walking .

see your world has not changed but theirs has, you now live two lives yourself, yours and theirs, you have to go into their world now, as not to up-set them. agree with them if it will not harm them or you and just enjoy having them with you, i relived my moms childhood so many days but i also learned alot from her reliving it .

so make up places where shes at , keep a picture of her out for him to look at and even say ya just had a great time together she went to see  someone they both know.  GOD BLESS you for loving your Parents and doing all you can for them, you will be Blessed by just being with them.

get your rest , and please get your time away you will need that, get others to help anytime you can. always here to talk..... Heart
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you hero, Thats exactly what we thought and are doing.
Its early days but i doubt he will forget my mom any time soon.
Helpful - 0
3110545 tn?1343308648
sometimes lying is better than the truth ... if you tell him she's dead he will go through hell and after a couple of hours he will forget and will ask the same question again so his suffering will be endless ... keep telling him she'll be back in a couple of days to keep him relaxed and i don't think you need to drug him in fact i'm against it ...
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Alzheimer's Disease Community

Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Could our telomeres hold the key to curing cancer and preventing aging? Learn more in this article from Missouri Medicine.
Think a loved one may be experiencing hearing loss? Here are five warning signs to watch for.
How to lower your heart attack risk.
Here are 12 simple – and fun! – ways to boost your brainpower.
Protect against the leading cause of blindness in older adults
Keep your bones strong and healthy for life