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Asperger's Syndrome Community
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Avatar universal

Disappearing AS boyfriend

Hi..this is my first post here. I apologize in advance for the length of this post. There are just so many details to my story. I met a man online almost a year ago. I was surprised when I got his email (it wasn't a dating site) but I liked how direct and to the point he was. He told me his name, age, occupation, where he lived and asked if I would like to get to know him. He lives about 500 miles from me. We sent a couple emails back and forth. I am a runner, so is he. I assumed that was why he emailed me. When I asked him he said, “No its because you are pretty.”

After a couple emails he asked if we could chat on yahoo. I said yes, but I am never on yahoo so I didn’t think we would just see each other on there. After a few days he gave me his cell number and asked me to text him when I was online. I was surprised, but I did.

Things were going very well. I really liked him, he was very different. Eventually he asked if I would come and see him. I said yes, he then planned in great detail exactly what we would do. We had a few very minor disagreements and he stopped talking to me. I was stunned. I decided to go and see him for the day. I was going to fly up and back. I sent him a text and told him. He had always said that I was free to surprise him at any time. When I got there, he sent me a text saying he wasn't going to get me. I was shocked, but then he said that he would and showed up 6 hours later.

I am not usually a very patient person, but for some reason I have a lot of patience with him. When I asked him why he wouldn't come and get me and what happened he said he didn't want to meet me in person because he knew how much he would like me, but that I made him 'weak" so he did come to get me. I asked him if he missed me during the time that we were apart and he said yes. He promised not to ignore me again and we spent several hours together. When he was taking me back to the airport he said "I knew it, I knew it. You would leave and I would be lonely again.” I explained that I would come back. My flight ended up getting cancelled and I stayed with him. That went very well. He promised never to ignore me again and we decided I’d come back in a month. He wanted for us to begin talking on the phone more. He has a huge amount of difficulty doing that. We talked a couple of times and then he began ignoring me again. I was stunned.

I had noticed some unusual behaviors in him. He is very very attractive, but he has dated very little. He cannot talk on the phone; it was like he could not hear me. He would say he would call and then it was like he couldn’t dial the phone. When I finally just called him he said “you are very brave” Everything he does is very structured and planned. He was always very concerned that I would think that he was rude, I never did. He seemed amazed at how sweet and nice that I am. He would ask questions so directly; this was refreshing to me but different. He has a very unusual kind of melodic voice. He moves his hands in an unusual way when he talks. He didn’t seem to have many close friends or be close to his family although he does see them. His facial expressions are very blank. And he once told me that the first time that we had sex would be painful for him; but that once he got used to it he would be fine. I could tell he felt emotions, I believed he felt strongly for me but he is very stoic. I once told him that I knew that he felt things and that I believed he felt them more strongly than most people. Taking all of these things into account, I did some research and found out about Aspergers Syndrome.

I tried to get him to talk to me. I was not critical or overly emotional. He did not respond. So once again I flew to see him. This time he did not come and get me. Sent me a text that said “Look I’ve been meaning to tell you I am busy and will not be seeing you this weekend.” Then I got really upset and sent him several text messages that were not nice. I changed my ticket and went home.

I sent him an email that told him how much he hurt me; but that I thought there was a reason. I told him about AS and why I thought he had it. I encouraged him to do some research. I told him that I loved him and that the AS didn’t matter to me. But that I didn’t know how to have a relationship with someone who ignored me. This was in October. He never responded and I tried to go on with my life. But I continued to research AS. I don’t think it excuses his behavior but explains it.
In February I sent him a Valentine’s Day Card. It was more like a friend card then romantic and just signed my name. He sent me a text thanking me. I was so shocked. I thought he would ignore the card, but I sent it to let him know I still cared. He once told me he is always lonely. I can’t seem to forget that. I sent him a text back that said “you’re welcome.”
Two weeks later he began texting me again. This time the texts were like “Hi sweetie just want you to know I’m thinking about you” He chatted with me once, but got off almost as soon as he saw me on the webcam. He rarely goes on the webcam, it makes him uncomfortable. But he used to really like to see me on the cam.

We never spoke about what happened or AS. I thought we would eventually but didn’t want to upset him. The texts became romantic. In about a month there were almost 100 texts from him. I sent him a couple cards and an Easter basket. He did tell me that we would see each other again. We exchanged several very sweet romantic texts a week ago today. And now nothing. I sent him a few texts just to say hi. I sent him one that asked him what was wrong. And then that asked him if he still wants to be with me. I believe he is disappearing again.


1.I did not expect to ever hear from him again, and when I did I was happy and tried to be patient and very encouraging. Should I have asked him to explain why he disappeared, instead of giving him the opportunity to do that in his own time?

2.es anyone have any thoughts on if he will appear in my life again?

3 Any other ideas about why he just disappears? He still continues with work and running.

Our last communication was very positive, that is the most confusing part. I am hurt and I don’t know what to do.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this long post and for providing me with any advice that you can.
13 Responses
1173196 tn?1292920090
Hi! I don't know that I'll be much help. My daughter is 13 with AS. I try to imagine her as a dating adult, but I really can't. This year, a boy in school expressed feelings for her and she was terrified. She asked us what she should say in order to not hurt his feelings. I was so happy that she didn't just say something rude, because she can be very rude. Your boyfriend may very well be an Aspie but if he doesn't get tested or become aware of his behavior, he's probably not going to change.
Avatar universal
I hope you're still working things out with your boyfriend, but as you might realize by now, chances are his 'disappearance' will recur. It's called shutdown/withdrawal and it's a common part of how Aspies deal with everyday stress. It's best to accept this cycle as part of who he is, and try to not feel hurt by it.

This blog has some suggestions to explanations: http:/*******************.blogspot.com/2009/10/why-do-aspies-suddenly-back-off-in.html

But again, I would suggest you learn to accept it. When he comes back out of withdrawal, don't try to reprimand him for it or show resentment - that might set up a negative pattern and convince him that he should avoid you. Don't push him to talk about it. You can make the suggestion once, but don't ever push.

My boyfriend is suspected AS and I've gone through years of trying to 'fix' him, not realizing that it's not something to be fixed. I hope you don't make the same mistake. :)
1 Comments
Interested to read this post even though it was awhile ago (I’ve just joined)  My b/f has been ignoring me for 2 weeks and we have a holiday coming up in 3 weeks. I’m at a loss as to what to do if he continues to stay silent. I have sent only 2 texts and tried calling once. I’ve kept everything light so far but am anxious about the holiday. Any thoughts welcomed. He did withdraw once before & eventually said I had woken him up at 4am (he actually woke me up with his arm over my face, I couldn’t move it so woke him) I found it really childish but we got back on track. Recently I mentioned I think he has aspie traits so maybe I hurt his feelings & he’s licking his wounds. I have been seeing a therapist who specialises in aspergers & he feels My bf is def on the spectrum....Help!
Avatar universal
Get away,

It all sounds very sexy, the devotion, the quirkyness, but you will have a sh*t life with this guy.

Been there worn the Tshirt.  Dont look back look forward.  Find someone you can have a deep emotional connection with who wont insult your friends and family and go off into his cave at the drop of a disagreement.

Get away , you are young, dont screw up your life like this.

Look at your childhood, why are you attracted to someone like this ?  Sort it out get therapy.  

I wish you the best !
Avatar universal
Can you imagine what kind of a father he would be, Jesus ??  It doesnt bear thinking about.

Sorry i have been badly burnt, i was young 25 years ago, he was charming an i had nothing, no stability, but what an awful life i had with him going missing, usually when i needed him most.  Ok for me, but when he started to do it to the kids, they would not take it !!  

They argued with him, challenged him, it was hell , complete hell.
Avatar universal
Thank you all for your responses. I have actually moved on. I just can not take the roller coaster ride that this relationship became. In the beginning he seemed very strong and very devoted. I think this was the man he wanted to be, but unfortunately he is not that man. I am just not the type of person that could make all of the sacrifices involved in being with him. I care about him, I was willing to compromise on many issues. Even if he withdrew/shutdown from everyone that would have been more acceptable then just doing it to me. I have actually noticed that many Aspies do that. They don't all just shut out the world, they just shut out the people who are "stressing" them. When a person's last words to you are "bye sweetie enjoy your day, I'll talk to you later." and they don't contact you, that is just not acceptable.

He will be 41 in a couple of weeks, I really think he will be continually searching for a relationship, but probably never find one. That makes me sad for him, but not sad enough to try to "help" him. I have moved on, it has been hard. I have someone new in my life. He calls me, he texts me, sends me emails and spends time wtih me. I forgot what its like to not have to work so hard and I am enjoying this new experience.

I would never say that AS/NT relationships are not possible. But I do not believe that type of a relationship is possible for me.

I wish everyone the best with whatever their choices are in life and would be friends with someone with AS, but that is it.
Avatar universal
I am pleased that you are happy now.  I wish you the best in your future !
Avatar universal
I know this post is old... BUT your gonna let ONE guy with aspergers define how the rest of us with aspergers would act around a potental partner.. Very sad :( l for one have just been DX'ed with aspergers at 19 and would never treat my GF like the way this guy has treated you.. I would try to compramise with you as much as possible to try make it work, but for you to tell other ppl not to date ANYONE with aspergers is just god awful!!! WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALLY DEFFRENT JUST LIKE "NORMAL PEOPLE."
765439 tn?1292964014
agreed completely
Avatar universal
Well, I could give less of a rats a** if she does/dosn't want to date someone with aspergers. It's just that she'll probably date some lowlife scum.. While us smart guys with aspergers go on to collage, to make big $$$ one day.. Thats all
Avatar universal
Your comments made me howl laughing. I have just ended a four year relationship with a man I had only discovered had Aspergers a year ago. He was a total nightmare to say the least. Mean as dirt. I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer last April, and he has been in his cave in Spain for the last 3 months. I hope he stays there and starves to death.Im in therapy now to find out why I put up with him for so long.
I enjoyed that.
Avatar universal
Is this group still open?
Avatar universal
Im sorry
Avatar universal
I would like an update of what happened. I feel like I met a carbon copy of this person.
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