Autisic 14 yr old boy, sleeps, and showers with father...

[DBCooper524]

I have a boyfriend who is in his late 40's, and has a 14 year old son who is autistic. His son is NOT potty trained, at the age of 14, and they still have him in diapers, which he wears 24/7.  His son sleeps with him every night, as well as with the mother (ex-wife), on the days she has custody. My boyfriend's son also takes a shower with him everyday, which I find highly inappropriate for a 14 year old, autistic or not.

This has obviously been very strange and strenuous on our relationship, especially the sleeping part.  I do not have any children, let alone a child with, special needs. But, I find these 3 behaviors very strange, inappropriate, and somewhat abusive and humiliating for the child, and I need to know if I'm wrong for thinking this, and are these behaviors normal for these children?

Please help me understand!

[RabbitMan73]

Sounds like a similar problem my gf has with her 14 year old son who has autism.  He is afraid to sleep alone and she has thus coddled a behavior in which he now expects to sleep in her bedroom next to her and seriously affects our sex lives too because I can't even spend the night in her bedroom because of his behavior.  I take serious issue with this and I actually blame her for promoting this behavior, which is damaging to him mentally, instead of nipping it in the bud and putting an end to it.  There comes a time when children past a certain age must stop sleeping in their parents bed for the same reason it's wrong for an 8 year old to still be breast feeding.  Everything you do as a parents has a direct impact on your child's social and psychological development, so think of the consequences of your actions before you do it as what you think may be helpful is actually damaging.

[mother2amonkey]

One thing that may be difficult for u is, as u have mentioned, u are not a parent to a special needs child. I do not say this in a degrading way whatso ever. It is very hard for a person to understand what a parent of a special needs child lives with and deals with every day. Autism has a huge spectrum that varies from extremely severe to Asperger's syndrome. Any child or adult with a severe handicap is not going to be able to take care of themselves without the help of another. Now, with Autism- consistency and comfortability are two VERY important keys. As a younger child, ur boyfriend's son may have had to sleep qith his parents to be able to get any sleep, or shower/bathe with either of them just to be able to get in the water to clean up at all. My suggestions for u if u want to keep a relationship with ur boyfriend are--  1) talk to ur boyfriend. Trying to understand the reasoning behind what his son does will help u out tremendously. If u still don't think its right maybe u should explain whar ur thoughts and feeling are and possibly end the relationship. If u feel like u understand more or want to understand more after ur conversation then 2) RESEARCH RESEARCH RESEARCH. Behavioral bools, books on Autism, mental handicaps. All will help u.

I know this was very long but I do hope it may help at least a little. If u have any more questions, feel free to contact me =) good luck!

[Miyo4u]

Thanks for posting this! I have a friend i've been dating going on three years he too has an autistic 14 year old son who wets the bed and does things such as pulling his pants down during school.  His dad has to lay with him at night to make him go to bed and has to wake him up every morning to a wet bed.

I have one daughter and sometimes feels like he gives him to much attention thats not required.  

I never understood it, and still don't today!  Am i wrong for that?

[auntieniece25]

Regardless of age, a large population of disabled people need assistance in everything they do. Showering, shaving, etc is very common. It's very sad but true the lives of these parents are very complex. It's possible the young man wanders. Often they will wake up in the middle of the night and get themselves into trouble. If a parent can't afford a nanny, who can stay up and watch him. What else can they do? Tie him to the bed? Most rational people would agree that would be inhumane.

I'm glad you posted your question here. These families need support and it's not there. If you plan on staying with this man, you're going to have to deal with it. That's just how it is. The boy, must come first. I guess that would apply to all children.

Are you totally wrong? You might be, it depends on the boy's level. You haven't provided any information about him. Is he 14 but intellectually 4? What are his verbal skills, eating patterns, what can he do?

[mum2beagain]

It can be difficult, he may be a child that needs the reassurance of a parent when sleeping, he may not be able to sleep otherwise. I know somone with a family friend who has an autistic boy who is about twelve, he is awake for about 22 hours a day, he needs someone to lie with him to rest. As for showering is the boy even capabable to shower himself? If he is still not trained than there may actually just be issues with the boys ability to properly take care of his own hygiene. I have a seven year old autistic boy who still requires help with toileting and bathing and I would think it inappropriate and unhygienic for us not to help him.
Does the boy get any therapy (occupational or behavioral) to help him with his life skills? Maybe this is something you could suggest to dad.

[Petal1010]

I personally share your feelings, my son is very exact about how he likes things done and all hell breaks loose if things are done a different way than hes used too, but there are therapies available to try and encourage them to change this complusive behaviour. Personally i would find this unacceptable and tell him so. See his doctor and ask if there is anything in place to help change this pattern.