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Fear...need some support.

So i'm 4 months pregnant....I have had 3 now 4 healthy pregnancies since the birth of Bailey. However every time I was pregnant I was always fearful that I would have another baby with the same disorder as Bailey. I have had 3 boys after Bailey, and have been praying really hard to be blessed with a little girl. For some reason with this baby I feel like it's a girl. I'm not sure if it's just me wanting one really bad, but with Bailey I knew....we didn't find out until Birth that she was a girl, but I knew and I had planned and bought all girl stuff.

Anyways, My issue. DF and I are pregnant...obviously. It's our first baby together. We talked before we had got pregnant about whether we would want to know the sex or not when we did conceive. Well now that I'm pregnant, things have changed a bit. We were going to have the sex of the baby be a surprise, but now I'm having second thoughts.

I keep wondering, if I waited and made the sex of the baby a surprise, and it WASN'T a girl, I would be angry at the baby boy, and not be able to "bond" with him. But if I do find out the sex before the baby is born, and it's a boy, I will be able to "come to terms" before he is born, and grow a mother/son bond before I deliver.

I don't know if I would be upset at birth if I ended up with a boy, and having the sex be a surprise. I'm just unsure of what would be best. I want to make it a surprise for daddy, like he wanted, but I don't know if I can. I told DF my fears, and he is completely understanding and supportive, he knows how much I want a daughter and he knows how scared I am to lose another baby. I'm just so confused.

I also find myself looking online and researching ALL these different horrible fatal disorders that babies can be born with, that that doctors wouldn't be able to test for or see on ultrasound. But then again I don't want to know because no matter what my baby may or may not have, I will love him/her despite anything that could possibly go wrong. It's been 7 almost 8 years since I unexpectedly lost my little girl, and I still suffer with her death tremendously. It's a wonder I survived emotionally through my other pregnancies.
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229760 tn?1291471470
First of all STOP looking online for possible things to go wrong!!! Your fears are very normal and it is huge that you are able to openly talk about them! Good for you for talking to your DF, I hope the two of you continue this open and healthy communication.

The choice of finding out the gender is only yours and your DF. I truly believe that no matter what the sex is you will LOVE that baby with your whole heart!!!

Pregnancy in itself brings a float so many fears but when you have lost a child it just makes everything more intense. Let your little Bailey guide you in the right direction, listen to your heart and trust what it is telling you!

Sending you Big Hugs!!!! Please let me know if there is anything else I can do!!

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