Am I bipolar?

[anonymous1980]

I grow more and more concerned with each passing day that I may have been living with bipolar disorder.  I can trace as far back as being a freshman in high school, when I began to notice changes in my moods, mainly grogginess, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, and at one point I withdrew from my friends.  The symptoms became much more intense, and that was when I made a doctor visit for evaluation.  He explained that what I was feeling is completely normal, and that it manifests during puberty, and something all young adults face.  He reassured me by answering a few of my questions, then prescribed Paxil CR to me, which I was taking every day throughout high school.  If I forgot to take one each day, I would have a minor panic, experience headaches, I would start feeling very hungry, and then I remember the classroom would start to spin and the only way I could keep control of the situation was to clamp down onto the edges of my desk as hard as I could....my palms would become sweaty, and I would do quirky things like chew on the inside flesh of my mouth until it bled slightly and I would curl up my toes very tightly in my shoes.  When it was time to leave class, I was able to calm down using the brief moment to walk around and get some fresh air.  I had to cope with this for the remaining three years, and miraculously I achieved my diploma despite falling back quite a bit and having thoughts of dropping out.  I rarely wanted to leave my house...I considered my bedroom to be a sanction where I wouldn't fall victim to anxiety.  I have experienced moments of depression, paranoia, loss of interest, and at times I withdrew from friends and family.  I would usually shy away from social gatherings and avoid going to overly-populated, noisy places.  Currently I am on no medication.  I have gained some control over my anxiety but from time to time I still experience mild public outbursts.  I work in a high-volume grocery store and have continued to do so for the last five years, up until a recent lay-off.  At this point I have been experiencing depression, feelings of paranoia, and on select days I feel very happy and energized, then completely lethargic on the following day.  People who stare for too long, whistle to get my attention or honk their horn when it is unnecessary cause black clouds to swirl in my head, but I am not confrontational and I never act on my anger impulses.  I have been avoiding social events with friends, and if I decide to attend I usually don't say much and show little interest.  My road rage has become increasingly worse over the years, and during a routine stop to check and see if my license and registration were valid, it turned into me yelling at the officer and accusing him of profiling me because I am a young male who drives a two-door sports coupe.  I am impatient, easily-irritable, and there are certain days when I don't wish to participate in the day at all.  On days like that I choose to go to bed early without dinner, draw up the blinds to block out the sun, and at that point I toss and turn for a few hours in my dark bedroom before finally drifting off.  If there is anyone reading this who has experienced what I went through, or can relate in some way or another, please share your thoughts and ideas of how to overcome this.  I fear that my life will be consumed by this if I don't act.  Any suggestions would be great, and I apologize for the lengthy post but I have found typing about things that trouble me to be very therapeutic.

[lindahand]

One thing you can do that is cheap is get a book on social phobias and work through it. I bet you can pick one up at the library for free. Because bipolar or not it is pretty clear from you description that you've got some social phobia mixed in there and dealing with that would help the BP. There are some online tests you can do that may help pin point things for you. Just google bipolar tests or social phobia tests and I am sure you'll find a few. The reality though is you can skew those pretty easily so the reliability may be low. I'd consider going to a free clinic to see if you can't see someone about this.

I get ultradian cycling type 2 bipolar. Type 2 bipolar means you get hypomanias instead of full blown manias. For me this means I cycle through highs and lows in periods of days instead of months as what is more normal. The episodes are very distinct. When I am high I get very agitated. I can't sit still. I have a hard time watching TV. What I say doesn't always make sense. It is noticable and my husband almost always asks me if I am okay when I am like this so I know I act differently. When I am low I sleep way too much, I hate myself, and I feel like a waste of space on the planet. If my husband tells me he loves me I feel like crying because I feel so unlovable. But and this is important. I also have times where there is no symptoms. I wake up and feel normal (I have some ongoing anxiety but I have no bipolar symptoms). If your symptoms are constant then you don't have bipolar. Also there is often no logic to the switch. Everything could be going right in your life and you can be depressed. You can be having a time in your life where you should be crying (like a funeral) and can be wired and act inappropriately. The emotions must be out of your control.

I am on Lamotrigine, Zeldox (Geodone in the US), and trazodone for sleep. These help the symptoms about 90%. The Zeldox causes some ongoing agitation. The lamotrigine is a God send. It helps the most out of all the drugs.

You have something serious and as soon as you can getting some medical attention will help. There are things out there that can make your life better and are worth the effort to look into. Most pharmaceutical companies have programs that will provide free medications to those who can not afford them. You do have options.

[anonymous1980]

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's disorder, but I think it's great that you discovered the facts and did some research about it.  I too have a daughter with a life-long illness...she is 3years and was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy when she was 6months.  It's difficult to cope with when you have a child that is physically/mentally unwell, and I feel that my situation with my daughter has contributed somewhat to my condition.  I read what you had to say, and you seem like a wonderful parent who is loving, supportive and stays involved with their child, and I'm sure that your daughter feels the love and support as well.  Our modern world can have a dramatic effect on kids and young adults alike.  I feel that the best medicine is a parent's love, and in turn I benefit from spending time with my daughter because when we play it helps calm my anxieties...I need her and she needs me, and I hope it will remain like that always...

[Seph1212]

Lamictal works like a charm for me.

I don't like cops either, but I don't think bipolar has anything to do with it. Daily I see their arrogance and their bullying. Do they really need to throw people (black males seem to be particularly targeted) to the sidewalk for something as trivial as jay walking? Who will protect and serve us from THEM?

Alcohol is both a depressant and a stimulant. It'll make the depressed more depressed and manic more manic. I tend to only drink when I'm mixed, hypo, or manic. On the mixed end it makes me dwell on slights and look for fights. On the hypo and manic end it makes me more now, now, now!!! Do, do, do!!! Much to the exhaustion of those around me, I’m sure.

I’ve had little desire to drink while on Lamictal, and if I do, the consequence is a hella hangover.

[iris986]

This year my daughter was finally diagnosed with bi-polar and anxiety issues. She is currently on Lamictal. She is 25 years old and has a hard time with working. She gets mad and depressed easily. I miss my little girl the way she was when she was 16 so happy and full of life and in an instant it changed and now you have to walk on eggshells around her mood. She too doesn't like cops, don't understand why! She drinks which makes the depression worse.

[anonymous1980]

Hello and thanks for your input.  I feel a big part of my condition relates directly to anxiety and social phobia like you stated.  The incident that I was referring to regarding my car registration happened a few months back when I got pulled over, and I became enraged because I felt that the cop was treating me rather unjust because I fit a profile that most cops dislike.  But anyway, no I am not on any medication and haven't been for several years.  I keep an albuterol inhaler with me when I have asthma attacks, but those are of rare occurrence and very far apart.  After high school I quit my Paxil regimen cold turkey without notifying my parents and doctor, and experienced severe withdrawals.  I don't remember exactly how many mgs I was on but I know for a fact that it was a very liberal dosage.  I feel better now, though from time to time I have anxiety attacks and paranoid thoughts and little rage outbursts here and there.  As far as therapy goes, I choose to hold off from making that decision because at this point I feel that my symptoms are manageable and part of the growing up process.  I choose to not take any more prescriptions because I feel that it may hinder the delicate chemical balance and prevent my brain from functioning how it wants to.  Thank you for your concern.

[anonymous1980]

Hi iris986, yes I agree with you that the Paxil may have some link to my problem.  I have done some research and learned that it can be quite dangerous to adolescents and young adults.  I will never take it again, and as for your daughter, I feel for her and all of the mixed emotional feelings she had to go through.  Paxil is bad news bears...many independent studies have confirmed teens feeling worse depression than before starting their regimen as well as having thoughts of suicide.

[anonymous1980]

Hello and thank you for responding.  What you said to me makes sense, though I still feel convinced that I may have some sort of mild bipolar disorder.  Being in public, especially by myself, creates tension and feelings of unease.  I sometimes get the sense that something bad is about to happen, and I feel uncomfortable being exposed in a wide open, heavily populated area, like the mall for example.  Sometimes I would talk fast when somebody approaches me with a question or proposition, but only when I feel rushed to make a deadline or having to be somewhere at a certain time.  Your idea to make an appointment with a specialist has been considered, though now is not the time because I have no job....no job=no health insurance, and I wouldnt want to go on someone else's dime.  Thank you, however, for replying to my message.  I feel slightly more at ease after reading what you had to say.

[Seph1212]

I'll agree with mumandzac. It sounds more like anxiety/social phobia with some obsessive qualities...like checking registrations.

I've never taken it, but I've heard that Paxil is bad news, especially during withdrawal. I also don't think it's the best choice for anxiety. Are you still on it or anything else?

If it is anxiety and/or obsessiveness, I think the best treatment choice is cognitive-behaviorial therapy which will get to the root and give you better coping skills. Sure tranqualizers will help in the short term, but don't provide a long term solution.

[iris986]

Those can all be from the Paxil, my daughter felt like she was going crazy on it, she does better on zoloft or lamictal.

[mumandzac]

Hi,
Some of the sign you have point towards BP but they also relate to Social phobia ,SP is a form of anxiety that you get especialy when you are out in public,depression and aggitation are also part of it.With BP most people have forms of Mania -talking to fast,reckless behaviour,spending spreads and thinking they are invincable,this usual come with insomnia and you become extremely social.SP phobia is a more treatable illness and will usual ease within a few years with meds and you can go back to be a socialable person.Get a apointment to see a Psychatrist as they are the ones that usualy do diognosis.
Good Luck :)