denial

[hell1971]

Denial is where i seem to be constantly, how do i get passed this. i know i tick all the boxes and i can see how i fit the profile although i struggle to see it as real, i know on paper it looks like i have bpII but in real life i hide it well, i function well, i am a good mother, friend and i own my own business, i always turn up to work no matter what. i am off medication and i am soo confused about wether i need it or not, my moments of madness are short and sweet, i dont know what to do, i want to just get on and carry on like nothing is wrong and the doctors are wrong but something is holding me back, is it fear? i think if i am bipolar it must be mild that i cant possibly be that sick, that other people need help not me...and yet im being told by my therapist i need monitoring, why what do they think im going to do? and then if im honest i think a couple of weeks ago when i stayed up all night so upset about something i had not done that i was desperate and could not get passed that moment, thinking it was the end of the world and the world would be better without me, i can stop and think ok maybe this is why i need to stop denying it, maybe i should embrace it and recognise i need help because next time maybe i will take it one step further. im so confused i need black and white, i dont like grey, i need a test that says positive bipolar, why cant i just accept it. Anyone else struggle with acceptance?

[hell1971]

I think i am sick, the question is what do i do about it? will i be ok and ride the wave and come out the otherside in tact or will this be the time i fall so far and spiral like a tight coil spining crazyness and destroying everything. i know that right now i am ok and the fact that i am aware that things are not quite right but am able to see that things are this way means that i am ok at the moment and so should i be doing something ?

Medication is not an option right now!

[schizofriendia]

I wish I knew what to tell you.  Someone I know has an eating disorder for example and refuses to believe it even though all signs and multiple professionals say they have it.  No matter what I say I can't get through to them.

[adel_ezz]

i forgot to tell you my own story. I am ill - supposedly - from 10 years ago. This november is my tenth anniversary. I used to see pdocs almost once per week (no insurance on psych illness here) so devastating in terms of money, you can imagine so.

I failed in college and took 8 years to graduate. But the last 3 years I didn't see a pdoc. I still take my seroquel and monitor myself. But I work, never abstain from work, I got promoted, I enjoy life. Life is not bad. Everything is normal and people don't think I am ill. Even when I tell them I have a problem, they think I am joking. But I have to take the seroquel, as sometimes when I reduce my dose i have bad mixed states to the extent that I think I should burn the house say or kill someone . Things like this are compelling and convince me that i should not forget my seroquel. In the past however when I was seeing pdocs they played with my meds and convinced me with all the possible symptoms (in fact I had these mixed states due to the AD's which altered my brain, never had them before going to pdocs). I tried lithium, lamictal, effexor, cipralex, paxil, tegretol not many types, but huge doses enough to kill a camel. I take now 100mg of seroquel and sleep well.

perhaps you say it's the seroquel, could be, and that one takes a long time to find a suitable med, could be...but at least I don't consult THEM. However if I go back 10 years ago then SURELY I wouldn't try this road of meds. It wasn't that serious. It all began when I failed once and felt depressed and wanted to kill myself, so my parents went alarmed thinking that I might have the courage of doing it, so I went to see HIM. But instead of that I could have changed college easily and looked for another career. All my problem was that I insisted of becoming an engineer, eventually although I graduated from this school but I do something altogether different.

Your business could be stressful and stress is our own enemy. So with it you have all sort of thoughts, among them why not take meds. STOP this negative attitude and enjoy life    

[adel_ezz]

Believe me you are on the right track. Right or wrong is something people think about it when they only see others doing it. Usually one convinces himself that other people are right and I am not doing the right thing like them. Why? simply one hasn't got the courage to do something new but instead to imitate others since they stand as the majority so they must be right.

Everybody go to see a shrink , so why not I see one too - may be - it will improve my quality of life. I saw many many people in other forums slipped into this business of pdocs and never were able to come out of it. I saw very prosperous successful business men whom convinced by their wives that they better see a pdoc and of course started meds and life got worse left their business and some went corrupt. They started by being a little depressed because they didn't attain what they strive for exactly , but then they end up losing everything even their wives who encouraged them to go on meds. I know one who was skeptical about having BP and ended up having GAD, agoraphobia,...

One doesn't accept being ill except when it's becoming debilitating and can't function anymore. When I have cold I go out even with a little of a running nose. I stay at home if i have a serious flu with temperature and going out will make it turn into bronchitis say. But the cold won't prevent me from attending a lecture. I can only stay at bay from others in order not to export it to them. But BP is not contagious.

When life becomes impossible ONLY then you yourself will decide to see pdocs who will also be VERY happy to see you.