Cope with people around /my new behaviour that I love

[geesja]

I would like to learn how to cope with family and friends. I had a Mayor Depression diagnosis for 14 years . They have just trying with Lamictal to look for any improvement as suspecting of bipolar. For years my sufering has grown till the point I donot want to leave any more. I am planning to get everithng ready (things around) to leave, I was under Nortriptiline, Effexor, Enalapril plus HCL.old weather has been really bad for my health I came for some months to a tropical country and spend time with family and friends here but I call and feel home Canada. Being here I ve got a new opinion of a pdoctor, she thikns I am Bipolar with a wrong diagnosis for years.  I can not find Nortriptiline here so I am using Amitriptiline, Effexor, Lamictal... my blood preassure started going up since Lamictal, so they added Amlodipine to the enalapril. Amitriptiline is awful to me, side efects are terrible to me.  So., 9 days ago I stopped off all the pills but hb preassure ones (did it gradually). I feel now different, I can not tell that worse than befor when under tons of pills, but different. I feel anger, crying, happy, changing moods suddendy along day.  But I keep overall a sense of strength I did not have before. I used to be sumissive in past... I can express now what I feel or get my opinions out no mater who is "offended" or affected. I donot reay offend people, I only want to deffend myseflfrom people who have been ofending and abusing of me my enti e life ( This idea is real and discussed ith my pdocs). I was taken to emergency ment hosp to be agreesive braking some kitchen plactic utensils and destroing them hitting them against the floor until almost desapear, then I use a abig charping knife to fisnish my work while feeling pleassure imaging those stuff were two bodies from 2 people I hate (for really important and real reasons). Any way, after that event, I guess I am on high now, I would like to stay there, I am feel strong enough to deal with abusers ( most in my family). I could not do that in my whole life before. I forgot to tell you I am on taffil now after the emrgency appointment until the appoinment this pdoct in a few days. I donot want to use any pill any more, except my blood pressure ones, I donot now how 2 manage this situation. I know i will finish my last days in a mental institution or kill myselft tostop this suffering with no description. Most of you know it, I am sure. BUt I wantto hear ur opinion. I donot want to spend therest of my life depending of meds to barely control my mood. Sorry for redaction writting, poor concentration now.
Best wishes for you all. Hugs.

[bernie40]

I can't add any more to the great advice already given.  It is of paramount importance that you get to a hospital where you can get immediate care.  You will eventually find the right meds with the help of a good psych.  Don't give up.

[zzzmykids]

Dear Geesja,
This is the place to write.  We, most of us, have been in some form of crisis and many have chose to go off meds without dr. consent.
I agree with bastet56.  You need to immediately go to the hospital where they will hopefully place you under watch for awhile.
I was let off of meds, cold turkey because my md did not know what was causing me the pain and I ended in the hospital for about a week.
As for the wanting to kill yourself or scare of ending in a psychward in the corner drooling and out of it, alone.
I believe when we are not medicated correctly we can entertain these ideas.  But there is truly hope geesja!
But first you need to get back on meds and I am so glad I went to the hospital.  I was really bad off.  The family had hid the knives, drugs and anything they thought I might use because I was so out of it due to the improper taken off the meds.
I found the right docs because of the hospital psych...he wasn't suppose to give me suggestions, thanks that he did.
I am on my third pdoc and this one has straightened out my meds several times when the symptoms begin to break through.
BUT geesja, each day that is good, each rose I get to cut and place in a vase, each time I can walk outside with my grandchildren and each time I see long time friends and  they smile or hug me, wow, it is all worth it.
Do you have a local nami group, dbsa group or twelve step depression/bipolar group in your city?
Some churches have depression classes.  I teach one each summer.
There is hope, geesja, hang on, get to the hospital and know the excruciating pain is going to pass, you just can't give up.
Please get professional help!!!!
Caring for you and your life,
zzzmykids

[bastet56]

Please go to a hospital and get back on treatment. You are either going through withdrawls still or you are having mixed episodes. You need help. I understand how you feel with all the side effects from your meds but ending up dead or in an institution are not the only answers. Please get help.