I have posted on here before. I just need to talk. I will be 53 in a few weeks. I am bipolar II, have extreme anxiety, OCD and PTSD. I just went through 5 months of my 30 yr. old son having a terrible breakdown. Three hospitalizations in that 5 mth. period. Been a slow recovery for him, but he is starting to improve thank God. Taking his meds and going to his counseling sessions. I have stood by him during this. I would have it no other way.
Frankly though, I am so exhausted. And it is not physical but mentally and emotionally. I have struggled with bipolar and the anxiety for many years. And thinking over it all, I have been ok at times, but never what I would call in a good place. Years ago, I was put on a mixture of meds. So many I lost about 3 yrs. of my life pretty much. I never allowed that to happen again. But yet, I still think I have never found the right combo of meds. Currently I take 20 mgs. of Celexa. Cannot tolerate 40 mg. as it takes away my edge. By that I mean, it devoids me of my feelings and takes away my energy to do things. I just don't care on the 40 mgs. basically. Then, I am on 1 mg. of Xanax 3 times a day. Sure the Xanax takes away the anxiety quickly. But, I have tapered down off the Xanax before for a few days. And it is a beast. I do not abuse the Xanax whatsoever. But, I know I am addicted all the same. It would take me going into the hospital, to come off of the Xanax. And I was prescribed 150 mg. of Seroquel XR about 6 mths. ago. It is to help me sleep. I cannot tolerate the Seroquel. It knocks me out cold and I am so hungover the next morning.
I cannot go to a psychiatrist. We lost our health insurance several years ago due to the economy and my husband losing his long time job. I have tried to get into programs, but because my husband works, I do not qualify. I do though have a family doctor. And he tries to listen to me and treat my mental illness. But, I know it is not the same as seeing a psychiatrist. But, you work with what you have. I am currently waiting on a decision to be made by an administrative law judge on my disability. Been fighting disability well over 2 yrs. and is has been nothing but stressful. My health is declining and I know this messes with my mental illness as well. I have COPD and it is depressing knowing you have a disease. A disease that you helped cause on yourself.
My memory has gotten really bad in areas. I have been greatly noticing that the past year. My doctor says it is age. But, I am not that old. Or I don't think almost 53 is old...LOL. I guess I see myself slowly sliding into a possible deep depression. Been there enough times, I recognize the warning signs. I have to be the strong one in my family. And I just don't always feel strong. Who is there for me? And I am losing weight. About 10 lbs. I am taller and weigh 130 currently. I have to keep some weight on me in case, I get ill due to the COPD. Food has not tasted right in the past year as well. Don't know if all this is due to stress or something else possibly physical going on with me. So, that stresses me out worrying about my health and with no insurance.
I don't know what all I am trying to say here. Just basically I am not feeling very well. Does anyone have any suggestions about possible meds I could look into? The meds I am currently on, just does not seem to be doing much for me at all. I try to cope with being mentally ill, as I know it will always be a part of me, like the COPD now is. But, I have battled mental illness for so long. I just think it could be better for me somehow. Thank you for listening to me. Any suggestions would be so appreciated.