does anyone else do what i do?

[kukusik]

i have always been hyperactive and loud, i can laugh for no apparent reason, have crazy fun and i feel like a star, i am loving everyone around and find it sooo easy to make friends and feel really happy during hypomanic episode, people think i am funny but sometimes they dont like me coz i just cant shut my mouth and keep on interapting everyone and just talk about myself., (i just cant stop talking) i feel nothing is impossible and i can counquer the world, and then i wake up in the morning feeling like i have made soo many mistakes ,feeling worthless and depressed and feel like the whole world is against me. when it comes to love affairs it gets even worst!! i just scare off the guys, when i am manic and happy i run on impulses i get sexually aroused and kinda force myself onto them, after i have done that and things didnt happen i get really frustrated and depresses and just want crowl into my little shell and dont let anyone in, i feel like i want to cut off every connection with friends and lovers, coz i think they dont like me and i am afraid of being hurt ( deppression episode).
every guy i have been dating said that i am extreme and pushy and at times too clingy and needy, and they all run away. at times i get indifferent and dont give a **** baout anyone, but still feel guilty somehow.like am the biggest mistake on the planet. i get to the point that i just sit and do nothing and dont care how i look.i wouldnt get out of the house for days.sometimes i get angry at my boyfriend becouse he is trying to be nice,once i got even physical. i hate this!!!!  i dont know if i could ever have a meaningful and nice easy going relationship!

how do you guys keep ralationships  going???

[cowgirlnerd]

It's very very important as you get stabilized to talk with your pdoc.  First of all, you will know if you feel better.  I know that sounds simplistic, but it's very true - you might feel better than you have ever felt.

Your pdoc will talk with you and discuss how you are dealing with the meds, and any issues (naseau, etc.,) that might be a result of the meds.  On the flip side- you might not feel well, at all.  

Like any medications you might take, trust your body.  Just be careful to know that your body might react differently and cause reactions that affect your moods.  Stay in contact with a strong support network at home, as well as, your doctor.

The ultimate deciding factor is what your doctor thinks is best for you.  You have to speak up to let them know what works for you and what doesn't.

Clear as mud, huh?

[kukusik]

guys how do you know if the certain med is not for you? doesnt suit you?

regards.

[LetaB]

  My pdoc gave me the "gold standard" speech last visit which was a reversal on his comments about lithium which were that he wanted to try everything else first on me because of the wicked side effects. Go figure. So I'm now (one week tomorrow) on 600 lithium and 500 Depakote. It's too early to say how effective they are but at least I am tolerating them slightly better today.

[cowgirlnerd]

I am on Lamictal - 200mg.  LCC and I have been talking a lot about Seroquel - and I am going to talk with my pdoc about that med.  

Overall, I feel pretty good on the Lamictal - a GAZILLION times better than before my diagnosis and meds.  It does take a while on Lamictal to get to the full dosage.  It's on starter systems - increasing slowly.  

Congratulations!

Racheal

[LeftCoastChick]

I'm so glad you found the courage to go, it's the hardest thing, but in the long run you will feel better.  I'm on Lamactil and Lithium (for the depression) , Serequal(for the hypomanic) and trazadone to help me sleep, sometimes the anxiety gets really bad and I have ativan for that.  Use the mood tracker, it really helps see where you are going and you can bring that to your doctor to show you mood swings, sometimes I forget.

[kukusik]

hey guys, thanx for the posts. Feels good to know that i am not alone. Yes i am seeing a doctor , i have been diagnosed officially. I knew all the way for a long time that i had something going on. past few years been hard, i once evn asked my mom to take me to rehab coz i thought i was going mental. my mom thought that i was just going through motions. but i knew. i was just afraid to go to doc, and thought what if i am right. Few weeks ago i just got the courage and i went coz i knew i needed professional help. And i got it. The pdoc said it will take some time for the meds to start working, but i believe they are helping me, although u guys know it does the job but doesnt take the thing away. I am being positive. and even when i become manic, its really hard but i am trying to control myself (somewhat) not to be too loud etc.
i am currently on Lamictal. lexotanil and zyprexa (olanzopine) .
I have read here that a lot of people are on the same meds...

can anyone give me more info about whats helping and what meds are you guys on?

Love all.

[cowgirlnerd]

Very good points.  Kukusik - I hope you will see your doctor soon, and realize that we are here to support each other, but only a psychiatrist can help you with your immediate issues and make a diagnosis.

[LeftCoastChick]

Are you seeing a pdoc? I urge you to find one, getting info and self diagnosis from web pages is really not good for you, it can inform you but not diagnose you. You can find a balance and still enjoy life without feeling totally blah.

[iMedix]

As our point of view you can better take a rest in lonely place for some day till you feel good and this is one of the tips to get the Bipolar disorder. Then better you can a advice from bipolar disorder researcher.

www.imedix.com/bipolar

[LeftCoastChick]

I was completely hypomanic through my 20's. I was loud, obnoxious, a partier and the life of the party. I was also sexually promiscuous and did risky behaviours. I was also and am to a small bit, still binge spending, though I have really curtailed that in recent months. Welcome to BP!
Are you on meds for your mania now? If you don't your path will get worse and become more risky in time. It's scary and I definitely don't want to go down that path again. I hope you can figure this out and have a pdoc. Much luck LCC

[cowgirlnerd]

I don't think you are a skank.  I totally relate to what you are saying.  I have been the same way.  I told my pdoc that I don't know why I did some of the things I did.  I could be casual - careful, but casual, and then other times, I would obsess out and be MADLLLY in love (yeah right) with one of them.  I had this one guy that was absolutely wonderful and I was horrible to him.   He always thought I was using him, but during my "episodes" it was just bizarre!   It's hard to imagine if you haven't been through that side of it - trust me, I understand.

[kukusik]

i praise you! i am sure its hard for you to control urself , regarding the kids and the episodes, but love that you have from them is helping i am sure . you ar eaccepted for whatever, and they would love you forever.

regarding going into the sexual side,i am trying as hard as i can, i am pretty decent, but sometimes i just cant control it, and then feel like a fool. im not like a skank and very careful with partners, narmally i would call the ex's and they think i am using them! they just dont understand. my ex's think i want them back and running after them start treating be poorly, then i get a guilt trip. i hate it soooo much.
thanx for you advises, they are relieving.

love,peace.

[cowgirlnerd]

I feel very very fortunate to have 2 wonderful boys.  It's more fulfilling than I could ever imagine.  BUT, having children with a diagnosis with bipolar can be difficult.  I wouldn't trade having my boys for anything in the world, but sometimes I feel really guilty at what they have experienced from my disorder.   Now that I am "stable" and on proper meds - I hope to be better with them, but I just wonder what the mood swings have done to them.   It puts a whole spin on the guilt thing.  They love me without question and I love them more than anyone could imagine, but I wonder how the disorder has affected them.

The best thing I think is to develop relationships that are positive for you.  Don't get drawn into the sexual side of it - it's way to easy to do that, but it's like you said, a guilt thing waiting to happen.  You are young and will probably meet someone wonderful and have a great family.  At least you are getting treatment before you are 40 like me!

Delusion is a going person to bounce things off of, too.  He doesn't give himself enough credit.

[kukusik]

or maybe i have misinterpretted yours.
keep in touch.would love to hear your stories too.

[kukusik]

i dont have paranoias and delusions and i am not heavily medicated, i think maybe you have misinterpretted my message,

[kukusik]

thanx fo rthe support,i think whats happening to us is called Bipolar disorder..lol...i am really depressed today, but trying to make a joke. the thing is  just that i dont want to accept to be single.,at least u have ur kids, i am 24 and i dont have any, and need a guy to make one, i dont want a broken family, i came from a broken family,i have told only one of my friends she is wise and she is really there for me, when i get annoyed i might just hang up the phone but she doesnt get upset. i got myself a tottoo last night " animus omnia vincit" courage counquers all...just need a lot of courage right now....
tell me somethinh about urself..i would like to get to know people from here better.:)

i am from russian but been living in UAE for past 7 years,i study and work, funny enough i am studying psychology 2nd year now, think when i graduate this is gonna be my field of research (BP) .

keep in touch..

[cowgirlnerd]

Yep - a lot of us don't.  If it makes you feel better-you just descibed me, too.  I do the exact same things.

I can sit in a situation like a family gathering and just hear myself going on and on and on and think, "SHUT UP ALREADY!  You are making a fool of yourself!"  Also, I tend to say the most rediculous things and it gets worse and worse - sometimes to get a laugh, I think, but it's just uncontrollable.  

The hypomanic state, the depressive episodes after - it's very common in most of us.  If you can't find solace in what's going on with you - at least know that you aren't the only one that goes through it.   You described me completely.  

Like Delusion - I don't mention it and if I do it has to be someone that I know won't leave me because, honestly, I have lost FAMILY members because of this ****.  I don't trust myself to be in a real relationship and it all scares me because when it gets to be to much I get depressed and run.  My children are my only true relationship that I can't live without.   I have friends that I am really close to and have accepted that I might not be in a "relationship".  You don't have to be that way - but I have accepted it.  

Hang in there.

[Delusion]

The reality im afraid is a lot of us dont. Only the most heavily medicated of us but even then it is hard when the paranoia and delusions start washing over you again..

Others will argue with this in particular the older community members like monkeyc and bulldozer (im only 19) i dont tell people im in relationships with about my bipolar i find it scares them but i find i have to tell close friends or else i cannot deal with it on my own. No matter how well you explain it to people sometimes they just wont undersand and it will permanently change their opinions of you. I have lost so many people because i opened up and told them what i really was inside. I just urge you to think first and be cautious

[kukusik]

thanx for the reply, what you wrote is very true, i need to accept myself for who i am, i am just tired of fighting myself, and feels like i am in a constant battle were there are no winners.if that makes sense. its like i have an angel and the devil in me living in the same house. i am afraid of rejection because of something that is out my control.
i am trully happy for you that you have such an amazing wife that accepts you for who you are and stands by you whatever. U are blessed.
I am really hoping that one day i will find someone like that.

best wishes.:)

[monkeyc]

Patience, openness, understanding, acceptance of each other and sometimes you just have to go and be somewhere alone for a while.

My wife is a wonder, she takes the good and the bad, the anger, the depression, all of it and somehow manages to just keep loving me.

But the big thing is loving yourself, this takes effort and time but when you can accept you for who you are and learn to accept the disease then you can move on to other people - it sounds easy but its not trust me.