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Bipolar Disorder Community
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518117 tn?1429279873

Lost

I do not do this real easy. So please everyone just bear with me. Plus, my thoughts are everywhere right now and no where. I am having a real rough week with myself. I posted on here about my son Todd who is very bipolar. He was in the hospital recently for 3 weeks. Attempted suicide here on me at my home. He is now back home here with me. Was released from the hospital over a week ago. Todd is some better. Has outpatient counseling appointment this coming Monday.

But this time this is about me. Maybe it is time it was some about me for a change. I don't know. I feel so selfish when I say that. I truly love my family. But at what cost to me? I truly feel like I am losing it here the last week. I too am bipolar. And I thought I was in an okay place with it. Over the months there has been so much stress. We lost our home due to the economy and me waiting too long on disability to be processed. We lost our health insurance. I have fought disability for well over 2 years. When I handed my case finally over to the company representing me with my disability, I had done all the leg work myself and the tons of paperwork. I have a husband that today told me that I was worthless because I am having some problems this week. And I got 3 grown children that I adore. But, they come with so much excess baggage themselves. I am suppose to be there for them. But, let me need someone. I walk through all this junk pretty much alone. I am suppose to be the rock.

Well, I don't feel like any rock right now. I well know what it is like to be bipolar. Plus, I have an anxiety disorder that sometimes drives me up the walls. But, I swore to myself that I would never have another breakdown. And I know I am not the only one that has mental issues, that has said not said that about breakdowns. And I mean that in a kind way. Personally, I have had 5 hospitalizations, 3 suicide attempts, been on so many meds, and have had other breakdowns I know that I wasn't hospitalized for.

My doctor has changed my meds over these few months. Upped the Celexa. Which for a short while made me feel better. I was like a ball of anger deep inside. It eased up that anger within me. Lately though it is like the Celexa has took away my edge. I feel numb inside and just do not care. I have some OCD as well. But, the OCD in me someways is a hidden blessing for me . It helps me keep my home in order and very clean. This week or so, I have not touched my housework whatsoever. Don't have the energy or the want to. I have tried pushing myself. All it does is leave me feeling so frustrated and very down.

And all I have done this past week or longer is sleep almost around the clock. And I know I am doing this somewhat, to escape the problems in my life. My doctor had me on 5 mg. valium 3 times daily for 4 years. I tolerated the valium just fine. Took them as prescribed. At times of refills, I always had leftover valium. So, I didn't abuse whatsoever. Well, my doctor has now switched me to 1 mg. xanax three times daily. The reason for all this switching and upping of recent meds, is that I was rushed to the ER maybe 2 months ago. We thought I was having a heartattack. I was not having a heartattack, but they could neither rule out it was my heart. But, obviously anxiety did show up. I have been up and down on my opinion of xanax. It helps ease that immediate anxiety. But, it seems the more I am taking them the more I am needing them. I do know that valium has a longer half life than xanax. And I know taking benzos are addictive. But over the years, the bipolar has been a beast at times. But, the anxiety is the worse of any of my mental issues for me. I cannot stand that feeling, when my heart feels like it just sunk to my feet. Maybe some of the anxiety has mania thrown in with it. I do not know. Honestly, I have been dealing with these mental problems for so long, much of my life, that I do not know anymore what is what with it all. I am almost 53.

My doctor just put me on Seroquel XR. 150 mgs. for sleep. Told me to take it at 5 in the afternoon. Well, for awhile I was afraid to take it. But yesterday, I just could not take feeling like I had been feeling lately. So, I took the 150 mg. Seroquel. I will never touch another one. An hour or so later, I could not hold my eyes open. I just felt drunk from head to toe. Had to go to bed. Slept 14 hours. Got up for a few hours and had to go back to bed. I still felt drunk on the Seroquel.  And I did not take any xanax along with the Seroquel.

For me, I don't like taking a lot of meds. Currently my son is on a number of psychiatric drugs. That is fine if that is what he wants to do and it is helping him. But, I have been on the too many meds in my life. A doctor one time had me so messed up by being on so many meds, that I lost about 4 years of my life. I trusted the doctor at that time. Thought that was suppose to be the way to feel. To be in a fog and to feel lifeless. Being mentally ill, has caused many ups and downs in my life. I know it does with many of us. But, I did handle being mentally ill better when I was younger. I don't bounce back quick like I once did. I want to also add that I do now have health issues. That comes with becoming older I know. I accept it. But, it is still depressing all the same. I was diagnosed in Oct. 07 with COPD. Then, I developed high blood pressure. What else is going on with me physically, well I don't have health insurance now. And yes I still smoke. I even got on the COPD forum here on Medhelp and confessed to that many months ago. And I am not proud that I still smoke. Not at all. I worry everyday what it
is further doing to my lungs. But, how can I take another stress on, if I were to quit. I even tried Chantix. The drug that helps people stop smoking. I tried taking Chantix twice. Being bipolar I could not tolerate the Chantix. It brought out some bad symptoms of my bipolar.

I have done this bipolar and mental problems for too many years. I am seeing symptoms this past week, that are truly scaring me. I know depression is fast creeping up on me. I don't want to go back into that big black hole. That is what I always called my depressions. I am also so sorry this is so long. I have no one to talk to. I got several friends like I said on Medhelp. The best friends a person could have. But, God bless them they got their own issues right now. They would gladly help me, but I think this is becoming bigger than me or them. If a counselor were to ask me how I was feeling, my answer would be, I am tired to my very soul.

Can't get help for counseling etc. Been there and have tried that too many times over the months. We have income because my husband works. Yet, we barely make it from check to check. I live in the state of Kentucky. If you try in Kentucky you get NO. If you don't try, it gets handed to you. Just the facts.  I have read this message. I hear bitterness in my words here and there. I use to have this huge heart. Now, it has become cold. That is not me. Maybe I am some paranoid as well. Now, I am not even trusting my family doctor, who I have trusted for years. I know I am not on the right combo of meds. But, what do I do? At the best, I have done only so-so on meds anyway. Done a lot of counseling over the years as well. Coming off meds and being switched to other meds, is something I do not look forward to. But, I don't want another breakdown. Each time I never totally come back. What part of myself will I lose to it this time.

And I am not trying to feel sorry for myself. I hope I don't sound that way. For me, I have been dealing with my own mental illness for years. Been very hard battles at times. I don't know if I got it in me for one more battle. And this is also what happens, when you put yourself at the bottom of the list. Which I have done.

2 Responses
1192491 tn?1265035429
Yes, you do still have fight in you.  I know what you are going thru as far as being tired, just tired of life and tired of starting over and over only to end up where you began.  Although I don't have family issues going on, (thank God), I am and have been going thru the same feelings and you and I both know what this kind of thinking leads too.

Sometimes I just don't even want to go for help bc I am just so tired of it all but I just have to make myself even though I don't feel like it.  I also have grown children (I'm 57),but I know if I did something to  myself, they would suffer the rest of their lives bc of me. We both know from fighting this disease for so many years that without getting immediate and intensive medical care that things can get worse very quickly.  We also know fom experience that the deeper we go the harder and longer to get back up.

I guess I am dancing around what you and I both can see...another possible suicidal episode coming on if you do not go for help, serious help, now.  I really think you just need to get to an ER room and get help asap before you get worse.  Don't worry about the insurance.  If you go to the ER room, they have to take you in by law.

Please feel free to send private messages if you need to talk....you see, I feel like I am slipping too and it helps to feel comfortable to talk with someone.  I will pray for you.  I know God has not taken you this far to drop you...
874521 tn?1424120397
aww my friend, I hear such pain and helplessness in your post. do as jude suggests please and get some help!!
You have been the strong pillar to your family for a long long while and it has taken its toll on you....you were strong all this time for your son and health issues but the stress of it all is now bringing you very far downward.....dear for awhile you need someone that will look after YOU....and it doesn't sound like that will be your husband, so please seek professionals, do this for yourself hon.
Of course you are numb....you had to turn everything off as a form of self preservation! your mind is trying to protect you right now dear....don't allow yourself to go deeper my friend you are a beautiful person/mother, you just need someone to hold you and tell you that!! please seek the help and fight to overcome this terrible terrible time in your life!
I too pray for you my friend
and you too Jude...both of you can be a great comfort to one another...God loves you both.
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