Lost...anyone?

[BeeKeeper]

Life can be challenging when dealing with BP or BPD...I'm pretty sure we all know that.  Challenging for us is one thing...challenging for our friends, family, and love ones is another.  How do you explain to someone that the bad decisions you make are not intentional, not meant to hurt, and hard to control?  Especially when the result of thosee decisions are tearing your relationships and that person apart?  how do you explain that you are so broken inside..hurting and feel alone that at the worst of times in mania or depression you sometimes make bad decisions that you immediately regret...decisions that you are working to try and control through medication and therapy?

When you see it all crumbling...when you see the distrust, hurt, and disgust in another's eyes...how do you not feel lost and alone...guilty of your actions that you alone have made?

I know this is a crash after a manic stae for me...but the problems still remain and there is no one else to talk to, no where else to go with this but here.  Here I can ramble.

[yeqmxplb]

I think you are correct.  In life everyone is given opportunities and struggles and how we handle them is important.  This is magnified my bp.  Every time I make a decision I wonder, is this right?  What would I do if I didn't have this illness?  Am I up? Down?  Should I wait and make a decision later?

I have learned that if I surround myself with positive people that may not understand bp but care enough to try that I have a better a chance with everything.  Dealing with things, making decisions, and just living in general.  I'm a big believer of quality of life and we need loved ones in order to have this.

I've enjoyed becoming a part of this community.  It's good to share with those of you who truly understand the ups, downs, and in-betweens.

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks all.  i really appreciate being able to voice things here and having unknown friends reply that understand.  Your words, thoughts and perspectives really do help knowing that others have the same challenges and I might not be alone in this as it sometimes feels.

[zzzmykids]

Wow, friend. I was in fetal position this morning after being frustrated youngest daughter would not meet me by herself and without her newlywed husband. So when we finally finished the talk, she said she loved me and I said she didn't. Talking to her again after awhile of not and then I have to say that becuase she wouldn't come to my psych to work some stuff out. So then I called older daughter and was totally off the wall telling her I wanted to go in the hospital. Respect, lost that with both daughters. Fear, husband feels thinking he is losing me emotionally and mentally. I have been off for over three months, good reasons but the naturals I was taking can't help angry mania or rapid cycling. I totally understand BeeKeeper. I get you and I read your post to my husband because I could have written it. YOU are not alone. I definately understand.
I have hurt everyone I love. I see BP in one of our offspring and possibly in a grandchild. I hope not. I would not wish this on anyone. Big hugs to you BeeKeeper. zzzmykids

[moonpanda]

I really know what you mean. Personally, I'm in the early stages of my illness, which is both a blessing and a curse right now. On one hand, it means that I'm young enough to get help before things get too out of control, but on the other hand, it means that there's still a lot I have to learn about myself and the way my mind works. What bpchrisb was talking about is something that I too am working on, learning that there are certain aspects that are out of our control, but there are ways to gain control to greatly limit the damage done to ourselves and others. Unfortunately, these methods are personal things and are going to be different for everyone, and they take time to learn.

This "learning time" is hard on everyone in our lives, really. Like you said, when you see it all crumbling in front of you, as if it's taking on a life of its own, it can be really terrifying and discouraging. I know that I've hurt the people that I love when I've been struggling to figure out what's going on in my head. It's so difficult to communicate that, and to apologize for. I know that my actions are my responsibility, but unfortunately my actions have sometimes been... really not so great. I am frequently plagued by guilt about it, because I regret being a person who can do those things, even if I "wasn't exactly me" at the time. It's hard to reconcile these different people that one person can be, if that makes sense. There's first the disbelief ("I did that??"), then the horror ("How could I have done that!?"), and then comes the difficult task of figuring out how to rebuild whatever was just torn apart. I think this is a problem that everyone faces at least at some point in their lives, not even necessarily those people with a mental illness.

I know it seems that right now, there is no way back, and no way to recover the lost ground and the lost trust, but the people in your life that care about you will still care about you after a manic episode. It might take time for them to become educated about what you're going through, and to see how difficult it is right now to have complete and total control over your thoughts and actions. Just like how we have to learn about our illness, we need to help out the people in our lives so that they can be in the know as well. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now :(

[ApRiLGeTsAngry77]

I think it is important that your friends and family are educated about this illness. Only then can they begin to understand how it affects our mood and choices.

[bpchrisb]

I understand where you are coming from completely. I guess it just gives me a sense of comfort when I know that I have control over something in the disorder. But, there have been times where the disorder skewed my judgment and I did something I shouldn't have.

[BeeKeeper]

I agree on your sentiment that I am ultimately the only one responsible for may actions.  As with all decisions there is that moment when you have to consciously decide to go left or right.  It is unfortunate that these disorders impair that thought process and often decrease logic and inhibitions.  So though I can not control the disorder and work on controlling emotions and actions the disorder does influence those at times.  Not an excuse...the actions I take - regardless the reason - are mine.  Needing to be by myself is mistrusted (because of my actions) and not understood.  my actions are my own and not consciously control my emotions and actions has been devastating...and to that end there is no peace, nor can there ever be, nor will there ever be.  That ship has since sailed and there is no recalling it.

[bpchrisb]

The one thing that I have learned from my experiences is that I can't control the disorder. However the emotions and actions that are born out of it are under my control and I really have to focus on that. When I am depressed, I can't shut my wife out and I have to be honest with her about how I am feeling. When I started on Lithium, it made me very irritable, I had to control my reaction to it, and even distance myself from my wife and family for a little bit. I told her what was going on, took my Ativan, waited for it to chill me out and then talked to her about it.

It's difficult, it really is... I learned this from my own experiences and from my relationships with my friends that deal with MI. Some of them do a very poor job of controlling their reactions to the disorder, they push people away, and they hurt them. I've had some frank discussions with them about it, but I also take it as a learning experience.

Some of it just comes down to accepting the illness, understanding you particular 'brand' inside and out, and working from there. I had a bad depressive episode a few months ago and it was hard to accept the fact that I had no control over it, cognitively. All I could do was take my medications, work with my shrink and try and find a solution. Outside of that, I had to get out my own head, focus on making good decisions, even if they involved taking a four hour walk away from my wife to calm down. Or, commit myself to a psych center... Also, I had to learn from the times where I was reactive and destructive and figure out how to be proactive. What was done was done, the illness wasn't to blame; my reaction to it was. But, that was a GOOD thing, because, if it's in your control, you can change it.