please hold part two.

[murasakithepurple]

hey, it's me again. okay something important i need to clear out of the way is that i don't believe in god. i'm an aetheist so... yeah, no come to jesus stuff. but i'm not an aetheist because 'god has failed me' or 'what has he ever done for me' or because of my depression. i was never really religious in the first place. i've only been to church twice in my life and realizing that god, heaven, hell and all that jazz doesnt exist, and there is always logic that can explain "miracles" like statistics and science is logical and can be proven. though i realize some people do need god i;m fine with it as long as it's not pushed at me. that is the reality i had chosen for myself and i never felt like i lost something when i lost my faith because it was never really there.

also, for the record. my friends are the closest thing i have to family, but i feel distant from them right now. highschool drama i don't particullarly get myself involved with. i don;t try to run away from it but i can isolate myself from it and at the same time be empathetic for them as long as i know what is wrong and try to see the other person's veiw sometimes. and most of them know i cut. so does school counceler but he believed me when i said i didn't do it. i lied because i have ALWAYS had problems trusting people and shrinks are bacically strangers with authority to make me get therepy or be locked up. and i only lie when i fell like i have to. if i am keeping a secret i'll say its a secret but never hint as to what it is.

the last thing i have to say is... you really don;t understand my phobia of shrinks and hospitalization. and cutting is harder to stop than it looks so don't critisize me. isn't a side affect of bipolarity irrational or compulsive behavior. and that when you cut your body realeases a hormone that calms you down so there is an addictive quality to it. plus, i like blood from an aestetic pov and bipolarity occurs because of a part of your brain is bigger than it should be. and hurting yourself is part of a neurological dissorder and dee-dee-dee, your brain is entirely made of nerve cells bunched together. and i can admit to making mistakes and doing it in the first place was the worst thing abut it. i don't retreive memries or create fantasies [not dillusions or hallucinations] in my case the same way a normal person does. so i am purposely making myself depressed without control.

and i know that suicide is selfish. but i don't uderstand why i feel like that. and as for a theripist i just don't want him/her to think i'm some kind of primative thing that they can knock down a peg just because i'm crazy [in a bad way] and that makes the things in life i find to be logical illogical because they went to princeton of some BS.
i base intelligense on ignorance and common sense. which really isn't that common these days.

i'm not staightedge but i am antidrugs though. i just don't want to be changed because i like the way i think [aside from procrastinating too much] and i know it only makes it less severe but i still don't want it.

i'm a very logical, understanding, intelligent, and analytical person and mature for my age, i'm a kid at heart but... i'm not ignorant in the least. i am very aware of what is going on within my mental state now. but if i'm being selfish i know that if i;m being selfish in that way something is wrong. which is why i am asking for help. but knowing about it isn't helping me fix it. and when i analyze my own behavior i can detach myself and look at it honestly because lying to myself is a form of ignorance so i don't. i can trust that i know what is wrong with me.

one more thing. nobody knows what anyone other person is going through. it can feel like it and you might be exteamly cose to understanding. but you never will. you can't see the world through someone else's eyes. you never had the same life experiances. and even if you do you won't analyze information the same way. even identical twins don't completely think alike.

but i don't know what else is missing.

take this to heart and try to focus an the first questions i posted last night. and if you don't have the common sense to reread things that you don't understand at least once don't bother.

sorry if i bursted some bubbles but i don't expect people i've never even met to be close to understanding either.

-eternally insane, murasaki.

[crzychick]

Studies show that most BP's are intellegnet,  I believe it, how else could we have survived without help for so many yrs.  Yes, because many don't seek help for yrs.  

You don't HAVE to take meds, but first you need to go in for an eval.  There is talk therapy.  

Plus if you express to the Dr your concerns about the meds.  I'm sure he will go over all the diff kinds of them.  Or you can research them.  Not all are additive,  hell most aren't even "street" drugs. Couldn't get a penny outta them.  

You have to be on most for 4-6 weeks for them to work.  You step up in the mg to get to optimal dose to avoid side effects.

If you've researched cutting you'll see it's an anxitey thing.  Yes it release's hormones that make you feel better.  Those hormones cover the stress.  Meds would do the same and not leave scars.  How are you going to explain the scars to your employers, hubby. kids?

Hell I"m 45 and don't trust ppl.  No one said you had to spill your guts and tell all your secrets.   Therapist don't think you are crazy and I bet if you looked into their lives they have some loonies lurking around.  No one is perfect.  You are making excuses.  (for every point we make you will shoot it down)  I know I did.  I think I can speak for most of us.  We all did.

Can I ask you. Are you embarrassed to admit that you need help?  Scared that your family will be mad or not understand?    All those can be worked out and believe it the therapist can help.  As you get stronger s/he will show you coping skills on how to handle the ppl in your life.

But the important thing is YOU!

I'm going to quote you:

"i'm a very logical, understanding, intelligent, and analytical person and mature for my age, i'm a kid at heart but...i'm not ignorant in the least. i am very aware of what is going on within my mental state now. but if i'm being selfish i know that if i;m being selfish in that way something is wrong. which is why i am asking for help. but knowing about it isn't helping me fix it. and when i analyze my own behavior i can detach myself and look at it honestly because lying to myself is a form of ignorance so i don't. i can trust that i know what is wrong with me. "


Your own words in that paragraph say it all.

[DLA]

Sorry, I don't know where I got the idea that you were a boy.  I apologize.

No one can help you if you're not honest enough with them to tell them what is going on in your head.  I don't mean the stream of consciousness that you have had going, I mean HONESTLY tell some one what it is like in your head.

You don't need to tell me, obviously, but you do need to tell someone.  That's the point.

I don't think you are a bad person, just a scared one. Most of us have spent a lot of time that way.  Right now I'm going through a bout of insomnia, comes with the territory, huh?  Bet you've had that, too.  And so of course my paranoia is going through the roof.  Even though I'm a 37 yo woman I still have these times.  Don't like them at all either.  They're still a little scary to me even though I know they're just my mind messing with me.  Really wish I could slow down my mind and sleep.

Hey, look, I'm just rambling now, so don't take it personally.

Look, if you want to talk, whether you believe it or not, we've been where you're at.  Maybe the circumstances have been different, but it still leads us all to the same place.  Just get help, please.  And unfortunately meds are a part of getting help.  If you're like me all you'd need is something for depression and the mania sorta takes care of itself.  

[murasakithepurple]

sorry i was kinda bitchy. but one last thing to correct. I AM A GIRL. G-I-R-L. female. not a boy.
okay well, i guess i didn't ask a question. but i do need advice on my problem(s).
i'm still not with the meds though.
and i'm not a combatant teenager. i over anayze a little hence all the details, and i can be highly critical of things and like to debate i guess. i wasn't really debating with the 2nd part.
scared? well, i'm only afraid of what will happen if i did go through with it. i think.

maybe you're  just not going to be able to help.

sorry.

[DLA]

Okay, you got it.  I am not trying to push God on you, that is your personal choice just like being a Christian is mine.  So not another word about that.

You are an intelligent boy about some things, but not about others.  The people on here have done nothing but try to help you and all you want to do is be combative, so we'll play it your way.

I went back and reread your first post and there is not one single question in it.  Just a bunch of mind ramblings about manic depressive disorder and mostly about suicide and what you think of it.  You say you want help, but if you do then you have to be honest with us and ASK us the questions to see if we can help you.  If you're not honest then we can't be with you, either.

What we are trying to do is save a young life that is worth more than all the gold on earth, but you don't seem to see it that way.  So tell us what to do.  What is it you want from us?  If you just want us to agree that it is okay to commit suicide, forget it.  If you want us to just ***** foot around and say you don't need help you are so intellectual that you will work this out on your own, FORGET IT.  But as all of us adults who have many years of experience know you can't, it doesn't work that way.  Bipolar is a disease just like diabetes, and if you are so intelligent then you know that, too, you also know that if you don't take your insulin or diabetes meds you will die from the disease.  So what will it be?  Will you trust in another human being for help?  Seems to me you are asking a lot of people for help right now.  A whole website full of us.  So you obviously want the help.  Now just be intelligent enough to listen to what we have to say because no one on here is lacking in intelligence, either.  We know we're not and you really aren't hurting our feelings like you think you are.  Forget that also.

Being a combative teenager doesn't make you bipolar or intelligent.  It just makes you obnoxious and I don't really think that is who you are.  Lie away about that.  I think you are a scared little boy who needs some one to take care of him and care enough to stop him from committing suicide.  But with this whole attitude you have going on you have managed to push most people away from you.  

We're here to help you.  We all truly care about what happens to you whether you choose to believe that or not.  But you have to really want the help and think enough of yourself to get it.