Problems self reporting moods

[lizmcc27]

My doctor wants me to keep up on, and report my mood tracker to him but I'm having a hard time identifying when my moods are manic or depressed.  It's like it's hidden from me most of the time.  Sometimes I 'wake up' and am able to see my behavior but I especially have trouble seeing when my moods are manic or my behavior is impulsive and not really in line with my normal behavior.

I keep a journal, but I have trust issues so it's difficult for me to write about some things in fear that my husband (who has been know to snoop) will read something that is private or may be difficult for him to understand.  

Does anyone else have this trouble and how do you deal with it?

[Xila31]

I also have trouble but most times if I feel I don't know how I'm feeling until later, I just mark my symptoms during the day, and then update my mood tracker for the previous day on how I felt I thought. One of the true things I know about my bipolar is that I never realize how bad an episode is until I've come out on the other side and look back.

I try not to analyze the tracker too much, and try to keep it basic. Go off what I'm feeling right then or the next day, but after 1 day I can't remember how I felt unless it was sever. If I'm having racing thoughts, pressured speech, pacing around, 1etc. I will mark manic. Even if I was just a little hypomanic, (since they don't have hypomanic.) I go off of my symptoms and how I feel. If I feel speeded up, I put manic. If I feel slow and like I want to not talk to anyone, dragging my feet, I put depressed. I have a lot of rapid cycling so I can cycle within a single day, sometimes more than once, but I wonder if I'm cycling or mixed, and I can't tell. The mood tracker really isn't specific enough to denote when you were feeling mildly depressed, euphoric, dysphoric, mildly manic, etc. I do not actaully like their terms of depressed, horrible, bad, okay, good, excellent, manic. I think it is a gross misreprisentation of what is really happening to many of us. You can absolutely be manic and be feeling horrible, or be speeded up feeling when depressed (due to being mixed.)

As for the trust thing, if your husband is snooping in your things and using your thoughts and feelings against you, especially based on your illness, this is something you should bring up to your psychiatrist. That is a much bigger issue than someone being nosey. If you did nothing to deserve his mistrust, that is even worse because it is his problem and not yours, so you will need professional help to deal with a controling person.

[BP2PROFESSIONAL]

I'm the same I try to also just try to put down what I'm feeling as best I can, in the journal section I also try to actually remove any self filtering and put down my thoughts as if I can get a handle on my ego strength .i.e. I may write something like "I did this" or it was "all my good work" it may give me an idea that I may be in or heading into a manic period.

I agree with Xila above its a shame you can't trust your husband with his snooping and definatley something you should bring up with your psychologist.  In the meantime you may want to look at changing your password frequently so that you can feel free to put down your real thoughts as it really is critical to have a place you can get things of your chest.

Look at getting your psychologist to register also on the website and then invite him as a friend.  Then change your privacy settings to "friends only for your tracker."  That way you can change your password regularly but your psychologist can access your data at any time.

Just a thought, good luck with it all, I too only really know how I am feeling after the event.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Bipolar disorder can involve problems with insight, I don't know for sure if this is a lack of insight but it sounds like it is.  You can have insight into what your disease does but at the same time have no insight into what is happening with yourself.

[lizmcc27]

Thanks everyone it helps that I'm not the only one.  I have rapid cycling BPII and ADHD. I was diagnosed about six months ago and I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around it, especially the ADHD. I've been reading books and I see myself in the pages most of the time, but I fall into the grey area. I didn't think I could have manic episodes because I hardly ever have trouble sleeping. I didn't think I could have ADHD because I usually have low motivation and want to sleep all the time.

It's so confusing!  I do feeling that knowing the problems I have is helping me to identify certain behaviors associated with my disorders.  

Regarding my husband, I did betray his trust during what might have been a manic episode. Without putting any prior thought into it, I had a very brief emotional affair with a friend and then told my husband what I had done. It was weird, out of character and damaged my relationships. I'm working through it but I do need my privacy to sort these things out.  Writing really helps me.  I do password protect my journal, but it seems everything I do to protect my privacy raised more suspicion and is causing major tension.  

[Xila31]

I was also diagnosed BPII and I have rapid cycling and I can tell you my mania is not that high. I mean, it can get to the point where I am like a lion in a cage. I pace, and I pace, and I rock, and I fidget. I think my highest manias were when I was a teen and young adult. At that time I would just be bouncing off the walls. I used to have terrible insomnia but that has subsided since I married my husband. My racing thoughts (which I used to call "flashbacks") were all these bad things that happened to me and I couldn't sleep. But, that was one of the blessings my husband brought to me. I guess his pressence helped me let some of that go.

SO, I don't have insomnia that often any more. I definately do not stay awake for days. On the other side my depression has gotten better in that area as well. There was a time when I would sleep half a day away. But now, I don't have that debilitating depression right now. Of course, that doesn't mean it won't come back.

My big things are loss of interest, low self-esteem, grandiosity, racing thoughts, pressured speech, poor judgement, irritation, aggitation, disorganized thinking and frustration, trouble concentration and memory issues, intrusive thoughts, mild paranoia, and of course the bad stuff of self-harm and suicidal ideation which is not fun. It also appears I had some psychosis in the form of delusions and modeate hallucinations when I was younger, but since I wasn't being treated at that time there isn't much they can do except observe me.
:(

So, you see, it is confusing, you're not alone. It is good coming here to talk to others.

As for your husband, maybe try couple's therapy. Also, suggest he check out NAMI which helps the friends and family of people with mental illness with support groups and information. Also, I know sometimes you want privacy, but might I suggest you let your husband in on your illness? It is so much easier to have someone to help you if he is willing. A support person is an invaluable asset with any illness. Also, maybe if you show him that you trust him with all the stuff going on with you, it will help him trust you? Just a thought, but I'm not a therapist, so.