What if they're wrong?

[rogelio63]

I'm at the stage now again,,,when I doubt that any of this is real.  If I tell my therapists, they'll just say,"Oh, that's so typical of BP patients."  What if I'm right? What if there really isn't anything wrong with me?  What if my doubts are true?  That this has been a horrible mistake that can be righted but won't be. What if for the last three years they've been wrong and I've been mis-diagnosed?
I just take the pills.  whether I feel like it or not, like a robot.  I'm tired of this.  I called in sick for work the other day and sat for an hour in the hospital parking lot trying to decide whether to go in or use the pistol in my hand.  Obviously I didn't.

[rogelio63]

Thank you everyone, thanks for the encouragement.  I don't know what else to say right now

[Ashley_tiny85]

I feel I can understand where you are coming from. I don't know rather  I should take the 90 valium mixture or, once again, be patient becuase deep down you know it will pass. I have used all my sick days thanks to it.
When I want to die, sort of how I actually feel now, I think of my best friend who commited suicide. I do not think about it's affect on others, I strictly keep it of my now dead friend and myself. When I think about the day I got the news and the day at the funeral I really realized just how perminent it is. All my thoughts were, I should of done something different, and how did he feel like me? Will I end up doing the same? When I ask some of those questions I start to think about how young and all this person had to offer thrown away. There is always someone that feels we have a lot to contribute to this world-even if it doesn't feel like it. Don't waste it. Although at the time that is what we want, that may not be what we want in a week when the depression has lifted. I keep telling myself. Hell I think I have been misdiagnosised for 12. Just now started another new med a month ago cuz nothing worked. If you get anything out of this, let it be this: I KNOW FOR A FACT, WHEN I STOP MY BP MEDS, EVERYTHING GETS WORSE-EVEN WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT CAN'T GET WORSE. When I am at the frickin bottom, stopping my meds causes me on drugs again and before I know it my bottom manages to get deeper. Its never too late to keep trying different meds until you find the right one.

[Anneinside]

If those feelings of suicide come back, please go INTO the hospital, not just the parking lot. Give your gun to someone to hold for you until you are feeling better because you will feel better sometime. I understand the feelings you are having because I have had them and have acted on them but, luckily, not lethally. Please take care of yourself. Call your psychiatrist. Be honest with him/her.

[fortissima]

I've been there so many times. I've given into the temptation more than once and stopped taking my meds--twice it put me in the mental ward again, and other times I wound up having really awful episodes. The question still nags at me sometimes.

I know it feels robotic, and it feels unnecessary when things are going well and you feel "normal"... or at least, a bit less unstable. Stopping the meds without talking to your doc is a VERY BAD IDEA. Let me say that again: Don't stop your meds on your own! Trust your psychologist and psychiatrist. They have gone to school for these things; they've had experience, and they would be hesitant to dish out psychiatric diagnoses or drugs to someone for whom it wasn't necessary.

Please talk through these concerns with your therapist or whoever is closest to you and knows your condition. It's just like any other health problem... we take medicine to stay better, and we have no reason to feel ashamed about it.