Great relationship seems to be falling apart

[mav3r1ck]

I found this forum searching for how to cope with a significant other with a mental disorder

I've known my boyfriend for years, and we've been together for 2 years this week.

When I first met him, I knew he had been in and out of mental institutions and such, but he seemed to have risen above all of that.

A couple years later, we started dating and I never saw serious signs of any mental disorder.

He told me that years before he had been diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder and was on tons of medication for it, including lithium, lexapro, and anti-psychotics. With therapy, he said he eventually overcame all the symptoms he had. He kept his doctor's number on hand, but otherwise hadn't taken anything or seen a doctor since a couple of months before we got together.

I'm in Denver, finishing my semester of school until I go back to Boston where he is in May.

We've been apart since the beginning of January, when I came to Denver. A couple of months before I left for Denver, he had mentioned to me that he felt symptoms of his disorder coming back. I attributed it to excessive stress, being that in those months I had been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and he was my main support.

I'm afraid its probably worse than I imagined....

I've joked around about seeing other guys while I'm in Denver to "keep up my chops," and fairly recently he seemed to start taking it seriously. He went on, telling me about how whatever happens, happens, and that if I want to see other guys thats whats going to happen and its ok and that I should. That doesn't seem too weird, but in combination with a couple of over things...

Ever time I've mentioned flying to Boston to see him, he says something along the lines, "you should save your money" or "are you sure you don't want to come see me when the weathers better."

I had gotten the idea to visit him over St. Patrick's day, which is a big deal in Boston. I told him about it, and he seemed generally for it (not exactly excited, but not against it). I request the time of from work, and tell him I'll be booking my ticket next week. He tells me, "why do you want to come? I'll be at bars since I'm finally 21" (I'm 19). Of course, I'm pretty hurt by this and tell him so.

So from all of this, not surprisingly, I began to feel unwanted. It wasn't that I felt he wanted to break up with me, but a girl needs a little reassurance.

Out of this came a pretty major discussion about us and him. He tells me he thinks his falling into a relapse and doesn't want to hurt me. He apparently wants me to get out before he hurts me by saying something from his "other side." He actually told me I could date someone else, and he'd be around after when he was out of his relapse, waiting for me. He says he can be mallacious, and feeds off hidden resentment he has towards friends and family, but he doesn't have any towards me so he doesnt know what will happen (???). He says he doesn't want to break up, that he loves me so much, but then mentions maybe taking a break. He repeatedly says he doesn't know. He made it absolutely clear he doesn't want to break up-- but he does wish I could just completely 100% forget about him, as if "we" never happened.

So now I don't know what to do or think! I told him I'd do whatever he needed, he just needed to say the word, and until he said anything, I would continue as I normally am. I'm going to still go to Boston over St. Patricks day unless he asks me not too. I'm still going to call him throughout the day to say hello, unless he asks me not too. I'm still going to continue in our relationship as I have for the past 2 years, unless he asks me not too.

Should I wait for him to ask something of me, or should I act on my own? Or should I stay by his side, regardless of what he asks? He told me that maybe this is a false alarm and I'm really hoping it is.

I just want to do what's best for him...

From what he's said his current symptoms are:
1. sadness with no reason
2. concern over me and how hes going to affect me
3. nausea
4. voices, he says they're not coherent, as if a TV were on quietly in the next room
5. slight hallucinations, i.e. walls pulsating
6. fatigue

During my worst bouts of anxiety, he was my rock. I don't know how I would've managed without him. I want to be the same for him, but I don't know if that's realistic or whats best for him.

Any advice?

[crzychick]

The main thing is that he should not have gone off the meds to begin with.  The meds are to maintain a stable life.  Even if he doesn't feel that he needs them.

I am BP and I have times of "normal" but if I went off my meds then when I would cycle they would be worse than ever and harder to get under control the next time with the meds.

It's not a on and off thing.  It's a life long commitment.  A pain in the butt?  Yes.  none of us enjoy taking the meds.  But if it saves us the torment of the illness it is necessary.  If you plan on being with him then you will also have to watch for his balance.  If you see or feel that he is "off" say something.  Get him to the Dr for a med tweek before anything gets out of hand.

If the med thing is a financial problem there are places that will help with the cost.  Tell him to ask the Dr for info when he is there.

Please don't tease him about other guys or other relationship issues.  They can be triggers for him.

[Crystlas]

No problem, glad I could help.  Keep us posted on how everything goes!  Take care.

[mav3r1ck]

Thanks, that does help put it in perspective. He's going back to his old doctor to see if his doctor thinks he's going into relapse and should go back on meds. I'm completely willing to be there for him no matter what, but you're right, being with someone whose not willing to take care of themself would be way too much for me to deal with right now
thanks for your response!

[Crystlas]

You have to decide rather or not you are up for the part of being a partner to a individual with severe mental illness.  It will not go away and there is no cure.  You can only hope that he will do whatever he can to maintain stability.  This means taking his meds on time every day, not drinking or doing drugs, eating healthy and exercising.  This is the commitment I made to my fiance.  He understands that if I do not take care of my stability then we will part ways.  I am fine with that.  I am bipolar and can only do the best I can for stability.  I will always have highs and lows, even with the best medications.  My fiance understands that and has decided to hop on the roller coster with me.  You have to decide.  My advice, if he is diligent and willing to take care of his illness, wonderful, you have a dedicated fellow.  If he half @sses it and does not care, then I would suggest finding a healthier partner.  hope this helps!  

[mav3r1ck]

I'm not going to try and explain how off base that comment was. Clearly you don't understand our relationship, but thanks anyways.

[DLA]

You've been with the man for 2 years and you say you love him very much, but knowing that he had a mental illness and was having problems you lead him on about dating other guys in Denver?!  What on earth is wrong with you?  How would you have like it when you were going through your anxiety stuff if he wouldn't have come home on time and joked about other women?  Not great?

Maybe you should start by going home and begging his forgiveness for what you've put him through.  He may or may not believe you or want to forgive you.  He also needs to consider being with a person who will treat him like that when he is having a hard time with a mental illness and told her so beforehand.

I'm sorry, but I can't feel any sympathy for you here.  If you truly love him and want to stay with him I suggest you set things straight with him and if he still wants you be the best girl friend you can be.  Living with mental illness is not fun or a big joke.  It is VERY difficult on the person who lives with it and the people who live with them.  If you are not ready to handle this then you need to move on and let him put himself back together.  You have to be strong to be in a relationship, but being in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness takes a lot of patience, understanding and unconditional love.  Are you ready for all that or not?  Think about it really hard before you decide what you want to do.