Need some advice bipolar girlfriend

[Lostandconfused0131]

Hi everyone,

First thank you for hearing me out.

I will skip past most of the details because in all of the reading I have done on both bipolar and ocd ( and rocd ) I can see that so many stories are so similar to mine, of partners of people who have to cope with these unfair illnesses.

I fell in love with an amazingly beautiful woman, inside and out. I am 43 and she 41. She, in passing, let out that she had ocd and in another occasion said she needed to get her depression meds refilled. It was early in our relationship and I simply didn't know enough about it all. I wish I had asked her to tell me more because I might not have taken the one cue for her to open up about it. It was never discussed but I saw so many signs.

Her story is so much like those I have read, neglectful Mother, violent loss of a Father, abusive relationships. We found each other. I was in my second year of divorce from a woman I was with for 20 years, who I now know also had ocd. In other words, I was able to cope through all of the years of her anger and attacks. It bruised me and this was my first relationship out of that divorce, so I was tentative but my gf was so madly in love that I let go and fell for her hard.

A few weeks ago, two days after talking about the future, she dropped a bomb on me, I didn't know how to react ( not cheating but rather an indirect accusation aimed at me ) and because I wasn't educated, I reacted defensively, not harshly but I was so knocked off my feet.

There had been some tension building because I become quite off balance due completely to the fact that I didn't understand why there was so much push pull. I couldn't get a read on why one minute she would be so happy and the next so cold. There were so many questions about what I felt about her, if I thought she was beautiful, if I would go back to my ex, all of which I was so happy to respond to. I did feel she was insecure but it only made me want to make her feel like a princess but I began to question her feelings for me. I had never experienced someone so in love with me suddenly switching off.

There were moments where she showed genuine anger towards me, although it was clear she tried her best to control them. Again, now that I know what all of this was, I am distraught because I want another chance to handle things based exclusively on all of the knowledge I now have.

There are so many other details, but I suspect they are not needed.

It's been three weeks, the last communication was when she had organized for us to get together to exchange items and she cancelled and asked me to mail something I had of great importance to her. Spare keys. Instead a week later I hand delivered them to her front desk with a sweet note asking if, at some point, we could get a fresh start, that things had been thrown off course, that we didn't get to test how beautiful they could be. We went from honeymoon quickly to slam on the brakes. It was far more poetic but not smothering because after everything I have read, I knew that if it was anxiety, that telling her how I really felt would only make her recoil more.

I haven't heard from her since. No acknowledgment that she got her keys, which would be the only thing I would have wanted to know. A week later, I couldn't help but send a little email as to why I hand delivered the keys ( because I happen to be doing a job near her place and added some fun little things that happened on that job that were relevant to us and close the email with a simple " I am still here if you want me ".

No response.

I have to admit that I have been crying quite a bit over this.  I am strong man, but when it comes to someone I love my heart is huge and very soft. She once told me how lucky she felt to have found a man who was sophisticated, loving, intelligent, a great Father and that she wanted to be a better person because of me. The beginning was more intense than I had expected and I even slowed things down on the physical front to the point where she questioned if I was attracted to her, she worried repeatedly that we were going into the " friend zone ". I reminded her repeatedly that I found her amazingly beautiful and attractive. She is hyper sexual, which she reminded me of numerous times. I wasn't satisfying that although there were many times where she would get into bed and say " i hope you don't mind but I am not in the mood " My response was that I didn't care.

We had a couple little tiffs, but in a normal relationship after the honeymoon phase these would have been considered minor. No screaming, no real anger, just miscommunications.

It is very important to note that her Father's death is fast approaching. On her Fathers birthday she called me and cried and talked, I loved being there for her. I love this lady. I want to be the man that she can trust and the one that final treats her right, like a lady, but I worry that I will never get that chance.

If I could get some advice from anyone out there with Bipolar disorder, what should I do? She never mentioned bipolar but the number of times I walked into her apt and the dishes were stacked sky high ( I washed them all ), plus the fact that she refused to have credit cards, had no friends that I met, had a struggling home business but had been successful enough that she seemed to have enough money to afford an apt etc. ( although very fruggal ) seem like all signs of bipolar disorder ( and ocd ).

When she felt all of these beautiful things for me, were they real ? One day we were talking about the future and marriage and two days later she crushes the relationship, was it because she lost all of her feelings for me ? or do I go on the hope that these feelings were true and that she will, in time have them back ? Could it be that she might have felt she wasn't worthy, which would kill me inside ? Is it possible that she could come around and what do I do to ensure that she knows I still want her in my life?

I am at a loss of what to do and how to react. Do I continue to shoot her " guess what happened to me today " messages from time to time " I am still here for you " or do I completely leave her alone, risking that she might think I have given up ? If she felt all of the beautiful things about me, will they come back ?

I keep reading that the idea is to re-assure your loved one that your still there. Should I take her non responsiveness as a cue ? Would someone who simply had no interest in me not simply say " go away I am not interested "?

I had no idea I was going to fall in love with this woman. I do not have a savior complex nor am I codependant, especially not after a 7 month relationship but when you love someone, especially one whom you know hurts from so much past life, it's very hard not to want to be there for them.

Any advice on how I should proceed from here would be so welcomed right now. I am willing to wait as long as it takes and am willing to continue reaching out without response, but if I need to let go then this is what I have to do.

Thank you all again for your kindness and support.

[flynnster]

That all sounds really hard to deal with.

I have schizoaffective disorder so I understand the bipolar side of things.

To be honest with you, I don't think what you should do depends on whether or not she has bipolar. For me, I want people to be upfront with me, to be honest so I know where I stand. I'd imagine, illness aside, that it's quite a normal thing to want so that'd be my advice. Seeing as she hasn't turned round and told you that she doesn't want to be with you or talk to you or have anything to do with you then I think it's fine for you to e-mail her again.

Tell her how you feel about her, put it out there. At least then you'll have told her and she can make up her own mind knowing the facts. It's kind to be sending her messages to see how she is and talk about other things but I don't think that is going to get any sort of resolution.

When you've written it, maybe you could put something like..could you please reply to me so I know what is best to do, where I stand. I love you and care about you very much and I wanted to tell you how I feel...or something like that?

This is just my personal opinion, nothing to do with having a mental health problem. To be honest, I think you should treat her the same as any other woman you've been in love with, any other person that didn't have a mental health problem. Would that make it easier to decide what to say or do?

Good luck and I hope I've been of some help to you.

[Lostandconfused0131]

Hi Flynnster,

Thank you for responding. I have to run out but I wanted to toss a question out, given you have been so kind to respond.

So many say that sabotaging relationships and complete cut offs are par for the course. That reaching out to them when they are either manic or depressive does very little or if it does anything it only adds pressure resulting in pushing them further away.

I sent the letter, that was written in such a way as to not be pushy, asking her of she might consider allowing what I believed was a beautiful relationship a fresh chance, because we ran into a complicated patch and never really had a chance to see where things could go. I never heard back.

I believe completely in sharing honest feelings but short of two passing moments where she mentioned ocd and depression, she offered nothing else. I believe that this is where any sort of future would need to begin, because it would change everything. Her not telling me, in any real detail that she suffered from these illnesses is what caused me to lose control of my own emotions ( the push pull ). I did breach the subject of ocd by sending her a letter that if I had only known...

I want to send her a message stating my love for her and I appreciate that I could get the final answer, one that I might not wish, but if I do, it could lead to pressure at a time when it very possible she was trying to escape just that.

I am trying to mull over how to move forward and my sense is that if she has no interest in communicating with me, that she is simply gone.

Thank you again for responding.