Bipolar Disorder and Thoughts

[tuff01]

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2 1/2 years ago. I had "unipolar" depression since age 23 (I'm 46 now).

There was violence in the home growing up, (and worse- the threat of violence which was a diabolical method of child-rearing). Deep down, I was a very frightened boy.  I didn't develop a healthy sense of "self" growing up and that spilled into adulthood.

After some 20 odd years of psychotherapy I am much much better in that area and I am much more solid inside and out.  A big difference.  

Apparently I developed an habitual way of thinking such that today when I would consider or start something on my own (anything new - even minor) I would quickly dismiss it, and say it's not worth it and don't bother with it etc..  My therapist says it's the old self-talk from 35 years ago that's coming up.  I scare myself and reproduce the fear I had when I was a kid growing up surrounded by the threat of violence. I did intensive work in therapy on this and had much success.

My therapist, however, says this self-talk problem is still the principal reason for my inaction and I'm not sure he is correct.  The depression side of my bipolar is murderous at times.  The utter loss of energy, phenomenal fatique, sadness, disinterest etc... really disables me.  I question whether my therapist is on the mark when he says that it's my past childhood trauma that's stifling me with old voices and negative self-talk.  

I know a lot of what happened in the past had affected my thinking and maybe still plays a part today, but I feel my mood is so dysfunctional that it can't be just "negative thoughts."   My therapist thinks that when my mood is stable it's not the bipolar that's the issue but how I'm talking to myself.  I don't think this is true.  The bipolar is overwhelming.  My therapist doesn't have bipolar disorder.  I have a sense he lacks experience or insight, or he's in the textbook too much.

It's complicated.  Where does psychology end and bipolar begin?  Do I need to practice positive self-talk as much as possible when often the depression slows me down?  How much of this is the bipolar illness and how much is my habitual thinking.  I don't feel helped in this area and sometimes I feel like the bad guy.

Anyone have any feedback, thoughts, suggestions etc...

If you read all the way through this I thank you.

[sheltercrow]

I am under the impression that bipolar is a lifelong illness and has no real cure. Your brain has become neurologically wired from its dysfunctional development to be bipolar. Now that I’m medicated I use the talk to bring myself back from the brink instead of pushing myself toward it.
My troughs are just as brutal and have to be endured. I take a nap and wait till it goes away. Always remember their lives are just as pointless as yours. If they can live a meaningless life so can you. It makes the time pass and gives it meaning.
I have come to understand that if not for the biological imperative to survive many of us would not be alive. That biological imperative does not allow for a rational explanation except for its efficiency in not allowing our species to become a failed specie.
So do the existential thing and be a being moving through your own personal space. If you stop to question why, try not to allow the “other” to define the “you”. Too many fall into the intellectual trap where they live their lives as the “reflected object” that someone else has “projected”. You are not someone’s delusional projection so set your mind at rest. You are your own project.
More if needed…

[stie]

hey, i found out i have bipolar disorder when i was 14 years old.
Im still only young now but i know how you feel, i always have a negative attitude towards everything. its my neutral emotion, but i dont think its because the way you talk to yourself either, the people around me influence my moods and mood swings a lot, are you under any stress, what i do when im not feeling happy or myselff is i write musicc, find something your really interested in and let your emotions out on that. Dont feel like a bad guy because its not your fault. your childhood may be how you developed bipolar disorder, but just because youve gone through that does nto mean that you are like that at all. bipolar people can be just as normal as others. i try and think of the person or thing that makes me the happiest in lifee and just let it all out like thatttt. i suggest taking up a hobby or show off your talents sometimes youll get positive input and itll make you feel good about yourself, and dont get your emotions out on others around you because sometimes it can make you feel bad about yourself and make the others feel bad about themselves as welll.