I have nowhere to turn to.

[Bryan726]

Hi my name is Bryan, and I suffer from schizophrenia and I'm also bipolar. I feel very lonely. My family doesn't know what to say anymore they just sit and say nothing whenever my mental problems is aggravated. I guess because that when they do say something I usually don't like it and it turns into a wicked fight. I'm afraid I'm getting to where I want to pull someone down with me whenever I hear voices or have huge mood swings. I don't have many friends, well none really. They are all online so I have a hard time trusting them.

I say I hate god because if I do manage to live my full life without hurting myself god during judgement day will send me to a firey hell of a bottomless pit if I don't change, or at least according to my grandmother on my mother's side. The voices say, "you're a loser.", and You're going to burn in hell.

I'm on 30 mg of Zyprexa and it's making me eat a lot more food than I need so it's making me gain weight. I try to not eat a lot but it's really difficult since whenever the mood swings and the voices are gone I'm in a deep depression and that makes me turn to food for comfort, but the feeling is only temporary.

I'm afraid if nothing changes I will attempt suicide again. I need help. I'm also having trouble with violent thoughts such as if I'm mad at a person or if I'm having paranoid thoughts about people that might be making fun of me I always picture myself pulling out a handgun and blowing someone's brains out or pulling out a knife and stabbing them to death. I'm worried that if someone says the wrong thing to me I will eventually snap and hurt or kill someone. These violent thoughts have been going through my head for several months now.

I feel worthless, and extremely insecure. If I'm talking to someone that I like and if that outcome or their reactions  doesn't go the way I like I overanalyze the situation and then just think to myself, he or she thought you were a loser and etc.

[mrscashman84]

don't worry, you are not going to go to hell just believe in god seek him trust in him even when it doesn't feel like it he carries us through our trials, just talk to your doctor stay on the right meds and rebuke the enemy just remember if god os for you then who can be against you :) im praying for you too, and I know how you feel I constantly get really scary crazy irrational thoughts and it keeps me up most nights its tough... but at least we all have this site to talk to one another and lift eachother up

[rogelio63]

My family is praying for you almost every night since I read your post. Don't lose hope!

[Crystal413]

I'm glad you got to to talk to your dad. A good cry to someone can be so relieving. It helps me too, especially when it's been pent up. I remember when I was over medicated I simply could not cry even though I felt so sad. The tears just didn't come.

There are many people, including myself, who didn't think we had a mental illness and or needed meds. We, I, soon found out differently. For me it was hard to accept and I didn't want to. It just takes time and we do find out pretty soon that we were wrong about not having a mental illness. There are so many things we can do to help ourselves in addition to pdoc's, meds and therapy.

I believe the life you want to have and the type of job you want to have will come in time and when your ready.

[stormbear]

Hey man ,

It's great to hear you came out the otherside safe and well all the power to you my brother .  

[Bryan726]

Everyone,

Thank you for the help. I went off my meds because I thought that I wasn't mentally ill. I was off of them for a week and a half. I had some really bad depressive mood swings at first with very powerful suicidal thoughts. I got through them and yesterday I felt like I was on top of world. I've never felt that much happiness in a year or longer and I thought that the meds were causing all my problems. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. Right after I was extremely happy, I started to go downhill fast. I was so depressed to the point that I thought I was going to throw up. My dad called to see how I was doing, and I said that I would give anything to have a normal life, a decent job making decent money, and then I started crying hard on the phone. I said while crying, I don't know how much more longer I can live like this, and I said god please make it stop. Then I stopped crying.

After the cry I felt alittle better, beaten down but better. When I was on my meds, I would feel so bad that I would wish that I would cry but all I could get was a tear drop and that was it. Whatever was bothering me would eat me up inside to the point to where I was empty. I was kind of glad that I finally cried and let it all out.

[stormbear]

I have the same conditions as you man , and i too have these same thing's going on for me sometime's. Just know that your not alone man and there is help out there for you , these guy's who posted to you above have got some great advise man  it's even helpful for me . Stay strong my brother and think of peaceful thought's .

[pcrissy]

   You can always turn to this community,for help, we care and remember everyone is here too feeling alot like you.I also think people think I'm a loser or she's stupid, and that is also part of the illness, you can always talk to a mental health care worker in hour area, im in canada its cmha,they have support groups, and belp with your doctors appts.If you qualify for disability etc.Your never alone even if you think your not, you can go to the hospital they have lots of help there if you go to er. They usually have a crisis worker,don't always wait for your parents, I had to do this myself and you can too. Okay never give up!

[rogelio63]

Dude, God doesn't wait for our weak moments or times of illness so He can pounce on us and send us to hell.  There's something called grace, that people that tell you you're going to hell definitely don't understand. God knows you better than you know yourself.  You're not a loser.
I agree with Crystal and ILADVO, get in to see your doctor ASAP.  There are other meds. Zyprexa isn't cutting it for you.  You really need to talk to your doc about the violent thoughts too, this may help him make the proper choice in choosing your meds.
Maybe you could get some info for your family to read about your condition, or if you find a support group, perhaps they could go with you to hear the circumstances others are dealing with,,
I'm praying for you bro,,,

[Crystal413]

Hi Brian, ILADVOCATE gives you very good advice. Maybe you could copy what you wrote here to show the dr. It really doesn't sound like the meds are working. As for the Zyprexa, there are other meds to take it's place that won't cause the constant hunger. I have had to change meds for that very reason.

I strongly do not believe you will go to a fiery hell. Do not listen to anyone who is not familiar with the illnesses you have. They just don't now. These illnesses have a mind of their own. God will take you into heaven. Please don't worry about this.

I hope you are successful in finding some classes and groups for yourself as well as your family. You could make friends there too! NAMI is a terrific organization. As a matter of fact I am taking a free class called Peer to Peer right know. They have other classes as well for you and for your family. They have great mental health groups as well that meet weekly. There is also DBSA as another choice. I am more familiar with NAMI.

Don't wait to make an appt with your psychiatrist, so you can get your meds straightened out. I don't know if your in Therapy but if your not, this would be very helpful for you.

We are here anytime you need us.

[ILADVOCATE]

  It would be essential to discuss this with your psychiatrist
especially if you are having violent thoughts or the potential
of suicidal thoughts.
  The medication doesn't seem to be providing the coverage
it should. There are many options as regards mood stabilizers and antipsychotics and your psychiatrist could work with you to find
one that would best help you.
It might be worthwhile to go to a mental health support group.
Also if family members don't know how to respond
to you NAMI friends and family support groups can be helpful
with coping solutions.