Aa
PLEASE HELP me understand! What my husband is going through!
Just in case you don't know my story: My husband of 12 years (amazing , honest, Beautiful man!) 8 months ago at age 44 was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Had a Major Manic Episode in August, tried to commit suicide, and what extremely Psychotic/Paranoid pretty much for all these months, with symptoms only getting better in the past 2 months....
Allow me to tell you what we went through so I can maybe ask for your words of wisdom....
W hen he was Manic I , in his mind, everything was wrong with our relationship and he aside from all the horrible things he would tell me he would say I was the reason he tried to kill himself.
He moved out of the house, told all our friends horrible things about me. Then started hanging out with this old female friend, who, to make things worse, has Borderline Personality Disorder...and 'used' him 'manipulated' him since he was in such fragile state of mind...
He even brought me to Court (only to dismiss it 2 months later) to get custody of our daughter alleging that I hit her!
During these 8 months his family and my family have been extremely supportive, his father came to stay with us in the house for 6 months. We were all trying to be strong and give him the love and care he deserved it...though he didn't/and still doesn't want to talk to us about his illness or ask for our 'help' , but Love for him has always been there during these 7 months!
So here is where we're at right now. Last month he decided to stop taking his medication on his own (Depakote 2000mg / Risperdal 1mg).,,,but he is still going to therapy.
Aside from stopping the medication and that being a huge 'blow' to the who,le family, so far he is at least 'stable' no major ups or downs!
And here is where I need somebody who has gone through this before to try to tell me from personal experience what it feels like to go through a major Episode and then recovery...
Everyone that knows my husband and I and have seen us together during 12 years of marriage know that we were a pretty happy, stable couple with a pretty Healthy, loving life....So many times during these 12 years I would thank God for giving me such an amazing, respectful husband!
But I feel I have lost my husband to this Illness. Though now he looks better and not agressive towards me. I feel he has absolutely no LOVE at all for me anymore. It's almost as if the Illness has KILLED any feelings he had for me!
When he was Manic he told me he was leaving me....then now he still thinks our relationship is no Good! And as we move towards separating, he is looking for a place to move. I need to find answers to try to heal from something that I can't even comprehend....How has the amazing, loving, caring husband that I had disappeared all of a sudden (literally, a month before his Manic Episode, we were fine! .Talking about a second baby, planning our next trip etc...) .
Has this happened to any of you?
Is he so confused he can't see that he is throwing away the best thing he has in life-his family!
Or is he aware of what he is doing, but too embarrassed of all the things that he has done and said (even having an affair with another woman) and now it's very hard for him to 'go back' to our normal lives?
PLEASE ANYONE...I just need to start accepting that i lost my husband and it would help to have any insight into the mind of somebody who is going through what he is going through --- I just can't believe he doesn't love me anymore!!! It's too painful !!!!
Allow me to tell you what we went through so I can maybe ask for your words of wisdom....
W hen he was Manic I , in his mind, everything was wrong with our relationship and he aside from all the horrible things he would tell me he would say I was the reason he tried to kill himself.
He moved out of the house, told all our friends horrible things about me. Then started hanging out with this old female friend, who, to make things worse, has Borderline Personality Disorder...and 'used' him 'manipulated' him since he was in such fragile state of mind...
He even brought me to Court (only to dismiss it 2 months later) to get custody of our daughter alleging that I hit her!
During these 8 months his family and my family have been extremely supportive, his father came to stay with us in the house for 6 months. We were all trying to be strong and give him the love and care he deserved it...though he didn't/and still doesn't want to talk to us about his illness or ask for our 'help' , but Love for him has always been there during these 7 months!
So here is where we're at right now. Last month he decided to stop taking his medication on his own (Depakote 2000mg / Risperdal 1mg).,,,but he is still going to therapy.
Aside from stopping the medication and that being a huge 'blow' to the who,le family, so far he is at least 'stable' no major ups or downs!
And here is where I need somebody who has gone through this before to try to tell me from personal experience what it feels like to go through a major Episode and then recovery...
Everyone that knows my husband and I and have seen us together during 12 years of marriage know that we were a pretty happy, stable couple with a pretty Healthy, loving life....So many times during these 12 years I would thank God for giving me such an amazing, respectful husband!
But I feel I have lost my husband to this Illness. Though now he looks better and not agressive towards me. I feel he has absolutely no LOVE at all for me anymore. It's almost as if the Illness has KILLED any feelings he had for me!
When he was Manic he told me he was leaving me....then now he still thinks our relationship is no Good! And as we move towards separating, he is looking for a place to move. I need to find answers to try to heal from something that I can't even comprehend....How has the amazing, loving, caring husband that I had disappeared all of a sudden (literally, a month before his Manic Episode, we were fine! .Talking about a second baby, planning our next trip etc...) .
Has this happened to any of you?
Is he so confused he can't see that he is throwing away the best thing he has in life-his family!
Or is he aware of what he is doing, but too embarrassed of all the things that he has done and said (even having an affair with another woman) and now it's very hard for him to 'go back' to our normal lives?
PLEASE ANYONE...I just need to start accepting that i lost my husband and it would help to have any insight into the mind of somebody who is going through what he is going through --- I just can't believe he doesn't love me anymore!!! It's too painful !!!!
I don't know how your husband feels; It is different for everyone.
I frequently question my marriage and everything in my life. Not because I don't love my husband or kids -- it is just a twisted messed up delusion I get.
I couldn't begin to speculate what your husband is thinking/feeling but when I'm going through these episodes FOR ME it makes me feel like a totally different person. I start to question every single thing around me, when it is really my emotions and my insides that are screwed up -- not everything around me. I get obsessed with the idea that if I could get away from or fix what is around me, I will be fixed. Or that if I return to a place that at one time caused some sort of euphoria or happiness (and there aren't many of those in my memory so my brain picks out stupid stuff like being drunk in college with somebody or something) I will try to seek out those people to try to bring myself back to a place that really doesn't exist anymore -- even if just in memory (bringing out old music, old clothes, etc.)
It sounds crazy because it is crazy. The mind is not in a good place.
I don't have a lot of good advice because I'm on the other side of that (me being BP), but I think getting yourself educated is the best thing ever and letting him know you are there and educated is good. Reading books, attending family support groups so you can meet other people with family members with BP, etc.
But as far as compliance from him (taking meds, taking care of himself) those are things he will have to do on his own and you can't "force" him to do. So unless he is going to follow through with the stuff he needs to do, it will be difficult for you to support him and be supportive of him. The best thing you can do is to make sure you take care of yourself. The meds are like the buffer between him and the BP.
I frequently question my marriage and everything in my life. Not because I don't love my husband or kids -- it is just a twisted messed up delusion I get.
I couldn't begin to speculate what your husband is thinking/feeling but when I'm going through these episodes FOR ME it makes me feel like a totally different person. I start to question every single thing around me, when it is really my emotions and my insides that are screwed up -- not everything around me. I get obsessed with the idea that if I could get away from or fix what is around me, I will be fixed. Or that if I return to a place that at one time caused some sort of euphoria or happiness (and there aren't many of those in my memory so my brain picks out stupid stuff like being drunk in college with somebody or something) I will try to seek out those people to try to bring myself back to a place that really doesn't exist anymore -- even if just in memory (bringing out old music, old clothes, etc.)
It sounds crazy because it is crazy. The mind is not in a good place.
I don't have a lot of good advice because I'm on the other side of that (me being BP), but I think getting yourself educated is the best thing ever and letting him know you are there and educated is good. Reading books, attending family support groups so you can meet other people with family members with BP, etc.
But as far as compliance from him (taking meds, taking care of himself) those are things he will have to do on his own and you can't "force" him to do. So unless he is going to follow through with the stuff he needs to do, it will be difficult for you to support him and be supportive of him. The best thing you can do is to make sure you take care of yourself. The meds are like the buffer between him and the BP.
My heart goes out to you. I know when I have gotten manic I have tried to divorce my husband too. Luckily I had doctors try to tell me not to make any major decisions at that time. Right now is not a good time for your husband to be making that kind of decision. When I have gotten manic and then followed by depression it was hard to find the love I had/have for my husband.
If I were you I would fight for him. It sounds like the two of you had a good relationship before and you could get it back. Tell him you will go to therapy or do anything to keep him.
Based on my experience I think he is probably confused about everything in his entire life.
When my husband and I went to group therapy the following list kept us together.
What you do is you fill it out 14 things and give it to your husband. He is supposed to fill one out and give one to you, but I don't think he would want to do that at this point. Still if you fill it out it could save your marriage. When my husband wrote it out for me it stopped me from divorcing him.
It is called:
You are worth a million dollars to me because (for example: you are sweet)
1. You are...
2. You are.....
3. You are...
4. You are...
Write it on a big piece of paper. You are worth a million dollars to me because you are...
Write 14 positive things that say YOU ARE.
This is what saved our marriage when I was coming out of mania and depression.
I hope it helps you get your husband back.
Hugs
Athena
If I were you I would fight for him. It sounds like the two of you had a good relationship before and you could get it back. Tell him you will go to therapy or do anything to keep him.
Based on my experience I think he is probably confused about everything in his entire life.
When my husband and I went to group therapy the following list kept us together.
What you do is you fill it out 14 things and give it to your husband. He is supposed to fill one out and give one to you, but I don't think he would want to do that at this point. Still if you fill it out it could save your marriage. When my husband wrote it out for me it stopped me from divorcing him.
It is called:
You are worth a million dollars to me because (for example: you are sweet)
1. You are...
2. You are.....
3. You are...
4. You are...
Write it on a big piece of paper. You are worth a million dollars to me because you are...
Write 14 positive things that say YOU ARE.
This is what saved our marriage when I was coming out of mania and depression.
I hope it helps you get your husband back.
Hugs
Athena
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Bipolar Disorder Community
15 signs that it’s more than just the blues
Discover the common symptoms of and treatment options for depression.
We've got five strategies to foster happiness in your everyday life.
Don’t let the winter chill send your smile into deep hibernation. Try these 10 mood-boosting tips to get your happy back
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
