Hi there, i can relate so much. I have BPD (although i still hate accepting that).. and my mood swings, and OCD type behavior get me into such big fights with my BF. He has been patient too, and can always shrug off the fights. However, i remain in a constant state of guilt and similar to you I obsess about the situation. I also am majority of the reason the fights explode and it always ends in me saying "im done" even though i dont mean it. The hardest part is, when i am in that moment, my brain cannot be calmed down. Its like nothing anyone says will work. When i drink it is 50x worse, i become the hulk haha. I know a lot of this stems from things that have happened in my life, and all my previous relationships were pretty toxic in explosive arguments and verbal abusive behavior. This time around though, i found someone i want to spend rest of my life with.. but then i think how can i stay in a relationship when i am constantly paranoid and just constantly worried. It's like i cant escape my own self. Anyway, I am sorry to hear you are struggling too.. it helps to know I am not alone.. but I am the same as you, I dont want to ruin my relationship and i just want to be able to be happy and not instantly get upset at every little thing. I recently was put on lamictal for BPD, they started me at 25mg for 7 days, then 50mg for 7 days, then 75.. tomorrow i start at 100. I felt in the beginning it helped me... but last week i had so many outbursts of rage and now im feeling crappy again. i was told it takes some time so i am still optimistic.. and ive heard great things long term from it. if you havent done so yet, maybe talk to a doctor about a mood stabilizer.. took me until this point to finally say alright, i just want to stop acting and feeling this way so i am willing to do the medication... hope you are able to find some relief. this is my first time researching and finding a forum to help relate to people.. i am hoping talking to others helps too. Good luck <3
I think it is a normal thing . You are assessing yourself of what you said and why you said. But you just said it. And it's done. But it can be something to make your future thought processing and possibly make you more humble the next time, unless someone provokes you, which you can tackle if you have a beautiful self control without being a victim of anyone negativity. As you can avoid the situation in total without having to meet them . Mostly our emotions pile up over time and we vent them out all suddenly I think we should not be compromising with people to maintain the meet ups if you know that at some point of time we are hurting them or getting irritated unless you are really starting to have more control and understanding which usually doesn't work especially in my case. I believe in cutting the associations out that are not good for my mental peace but in a calm fashion or understanding through acknowledgement. It took me a long time to realize this. But I am glad I did. Just be strong and avoid any such associations that have the end results of such behaviors. And sometimes our issues run deeper than we actually think. So it is important to understand oneself more.
And most importantly,
Take care of yourself : )