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Avatar universal

just need some support to keep pumping!!

you know this has been a horrible week for miss macy's eating.  she is just not wanting to eat and its due to her poor tired heart.  with her reflux and dr appts and everything i just find myself not getting to pump for hours, then i have to spend more time doing it.  i know bm is best, i know i want to get to a point where maybe after surgery we might get her to nurse but days like today i feel so very overwhelmed with time and with my feelings of what i feel is failure.  

im not giving up, yet i say.   i just feel that today i want to.  im tired of crying over the hour long feeding sessions that are thrown out the window by her vomiting up everything.  the stress, the exhaustion, the worry, the anxiety i have been having.  right now addy is complaining in my ear and even though i wont, i want to yell be quiet!! lol  oh that girl!!!

sometimes i think i just need to hear its going to be ok because sometimes i dont feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is visable.  i feel like a wimp for even having these emotions, and i feel like lesser of a woman or mom because i cant just suck it up and keep a dry eye.  i dont know where this is coming from but it suc.ks!! addy just told me she loves me with a hug and that sure helped!! i told her to sit down and she said "addy cant sit down i have poo poo" haha.  thank god for those moments that snap me back into reality and remember that day by day is the way to go.  ugh.
11 Responses
231441 tn?1333896366
Sweetheart,  you have so much on  your plate at the moment.

Expressing your emotions here doesn't make you less of a woman, it makes you more of woman, because that is how women cope.  This is the burden of the loving mother.  

Regardless of how bad things feel at the moment, they will pass..... things are going to improve after Macy's heart surgery.  You will continue to cope and survive.  Even as you cry and rage about how hard it all is.

Hang in there.  Vent as much as you need.  And yes, take it day by day, hour by hour and poop by poop!

1085681 tn?1280180227
All I can say I I admire you so much for sticking with it and for knowing when to ask for support. All I can say is it will get better. Then once it does all the agony and the heartache of all of this will be only a memory. Its like labor, typically once the baby is out its like what pain? Lol you are doing great honey. I say just stick it out, it'll get better. Maybe you cold ask a friend or someone for help so you could get more time to pump? Don't be ashamed to ask for help if you need it. No matter how long you need help. You can do it.
127529 tn?1331844380
One day at a time doing the best you can. HUGS.
223237 tn?1302191991
You are doing a great job, I can't even imagine how hard this all must be for you right now.  Just take it day by day, even hour by hour if you have to.  Don't be afraid to reach out to others when you need support.  
171768 tn?1324233699
Oh man. You've got me in tears because I know exactly where you are. The occasional meltdown is healthy. And like mum said, 1 day at a time. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. Luckily, when you are pumping, as hard as it is to continue, it's just as hard to decide to quit because of the overwhelming feelings of guilt (not that we should feel guilty, but who are we kidding- that is a pressure we put on ourselves). So, I took advantage of that. You can't handle the thought of pumping, but you can't deal with making the decision to quit. So I would put the decision off. If on Tuesday I was overwhelmed, I told dh that I'd stick it out until Friday, and then we'd sit down and decide if we were going to continue. Of course Friday was always a better day. By giving myself permission to consider quitting in a few days, I took the pressure of long term goals off of me. The first time around, it got me to 6 1/2 months when I went back to grad school and worked ft (at that point it was too much and I had plenty frozen). This time, that thinking got me through until 8+ months, and she's still getting some frozen at 11 months.

So here's the truth- it will always stink, but it does get easier. You just have to get through long enough to solidly establish you supply. Then you can cut down on pumps and be more flexible with frequency.   It will be easier when feeding her becomes easier. While my first had different feeding issues, they were significant. It took her 1 1/2 hrs to take 3 ounces, and would eat every 2 hrs (time measured start time to start time). That's how I discovered my ebm stays fresh longer than an hour after the feed starts. She was never able to finish a bottle in less than an hour.

Take as many short cuts as possible. Have an extra set of accessories, and use the fridge trick to minimize time spent washing bottles and connectors. Don't worry about what the house looks like. Take addie to the library and have her pick out movies. Let her watch them as much as necessary. I was afraid dd would become addicted to tv during those first awful months, but it was easy to wean her off it once things settled. Forgive yourself if you do snap occasionally.

I also had a very very rough time with my second. Different issues than yours, but still the most difficult time I have ever had. I am amazed and so proud I stuck it out. Looking back and looking at her now, I feel the pumping was worth it.

Please vent whenever necessary. You can't do this alone, and you can't do this if you feel alone. I'll be away next week, but I'll try to pop in and make sure you're ok.
127124 tn?1326739035
Dana-  you can do this!!    I know it's hard right now and it would be easy to give up but I also know you don't want to do that.   I think taking it one day at a time is exactly what you need to do.   AND if it becomes too much then stop- at least you will have tried.   You are doing a great job!!!!!!

Addy is so funny!   I bet your heart just melted when she gave you a hug and said she loved you.
Avatar universal
thank you everyone.  so after i wrote this and was feeling overwhelmed my sis dropped her 2 kids off for me to watch and it was a nice break since addy was busy playing with them.  then addison locked herself in the bathroom.  she was scared with the light off and there are no windows.  i was able to talk her into getting the light turned on but i couldnt get her to open the door.  then i heard the water come on and she suddenly was sreaming.  so i busted the door down lol.  the door is in tact but the frame is broken and cracked and will have to be replaced.  after the fact i see 2 screws i could have used to get the handle off but with the fear i heard i just had to use my hulk attitude and get her out! whew!

macy ate better during the night.  today not as much but she has gained a tiny bit of weight which is better than none or losing.  i have a scale so i weigh her daily now per drs orders.  

addison went to the allergist for a rash we cant get rid of and i have to take her to get an xray of her sinus and bloodwork.  monday macy goes to the cardio dr to see if we have to get a ng tube and in the pm to the gi doc.  i just breath in and out at this point and hope after the next breath i will do it again slower.  

i think today i will try to just enjoy the afternoon and my sons scrimage at football practice.  after maybe go to a new park that has a cool water play area the kids enjoyed last week.  ugh i look over at addy in her high chair and she poored her drink out and is saying over and over MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA! lol  followed by a few mommies when i dont respond haha.  sat night i have a sitter and jeff and i are going to dinner, ALONE for the first time in a very very long time.  i cant wait!
Avatar universal
ok i am feeing much better and i think i will be ok, thank you everyone.  macy actually nursed for 10 min,  not sure how much she got (i should have used my scale) but she did it!!!

we just got home from football, i stink, kids are dirty , and i feel so much better than i dont even care the living room has blue feathers on it from addys boa lol. i might just make it afterall!!

check back to see my next hysteria soon lol
127529 tn?1331844380
Glad you had a rant, got out had a good time with the kids and now feel better!
Yay for Macy nursing! Even if she didn't get much it is a start and it must make things feel worth it. Even if she gets most of her nutrition other ways the fact that she is suckling will be wonderful for you both.
This is just a thought but; when my baby was in the NICU they put a feeding tube in through his nose that my pumped breast milk was put through. That way he could suckle and nurse on me whilst the majority of his food was delivered through the tube straight into his tummy. So he was able to associate the nursing with his tummy getting full. Maybe this is something you could take to Macy's doc about trying.
Avatar universal
mum we did the tube in the nicu as well, the cardiologist is considering using it again, but im freaked because i would be the one to put it in!! she seems to be doing better eating the past 36 hours or so, lets hope its enough of a weight gain for doc.  

she isnt spitting up as much as she was so hopefully it will be ok.  maybe we can add even more calories to my milk if she can tolerate that.  
646779 tn?1281999641
As a pumper myself, I can relate to how tough it is trying to cope with all the demands of a new baby, with other children to look after too... Sometimes you just think 'i don't know how much longer I can do this for!' But, from my own experience with pumping for what is now 9 months, :) all I can say is it will get much easier. The first few months are so hard, but it will be worth it in the end :) Each time you reach a new month, give yourself a little reward of some kind, you deserve it afterall.
As tired said, once you get your supply established, it will be far easier. You'll be able to pump less often but still give your little one your precious breastmilk.
And I agree with tired, even though you feel at times like you may want to stop, it's not wanting to stop that makes us carry on. We are so hard on ourselves in our quest to be good mothers aren't we?

You are doing great Hugs :)
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