3.6 year old boy refuses all potty training tactics. Best way to proceed?

[bonobos311]

My son is 3 years & 7 months old.  We have been potty training him since he was 2.5 years.  He has peed in the toilet 1x and pooped 1x (MONTHS ago).  Nothing more.  I have tried incentives (stickers, sticker charts, lolipops, toy cars, parties, cake, balloons, presants, Wiggles concert tickets, trips to the Children's Museum, & a trip on a REAL airplane to Orlando...we're going in January either way).  Recently, I said "No more TV & No more computer until you use the potty.  Those things are for big kids."  Each time he goes, he gets 30 minutes screen time.  He has happily gone a week now without TV & Computer or the potty.

I have talked about "Babies in Diaper" and "Big Boys in underwear".  I have tried asking him to "Help Mommy".  I have talked about how "Proud Mommy, & Daddy, & Grandma...etc." will be.  I have talked about all the big kids at preschool (He's the only one out of all 24 in diapers...including boys 1 year younger than him).  The teacher at school works with him every day too.

I asked a child psychologist about it about 6 months ago and he said.  "Just put him in underwear.  It's messy, but who's going to get more uncomfortable first, him or you?"  The answer: Me.  My boy would lay in pee and/or poop soaked clothed for hours before concenting to "be responsible for himself" and take off his soiled clothes.  After awhile, I would contain him (and the mess in his bedroom until he concented to get cleaned up.  I never yelled, I just stated the concequences for his actions and followed through with them.

I have also tried dropping the subject entire.  My boy is thrilled with that.  It's his dream come true...never using the potty.  I have never forced him to sit on the potty when he was upset.  I usually ask him if he wants to...he always says no.  Sometimes, I strongly encourage him with stories, etc. He will sit there.  He has no fear of sitting there (pantsless).  

I believe he does not want to let go of his "baby ways".  I believe he doesn't want to be "bothered".  I also believe he enjoys the power he has by "not doing what Mommy wants".  I KNOW he is physically ready to be potty trained.  He usually wakes up dry.  If I mention it and suggest the potty, he immediately pees in his diaper.  Then, he may or may not agree to sit there, but by then, there's no point.  EVERY TIME he sits on the potty, he pees or poops beforehand...holds it while on the potty...then pees/poops again IMMEDIATELY after.  Not using the potty is VERY deliberate.

My question is...what is the best way for me to proceed.  He definately doesn't want to use the potty, but could care less about extrinsic or intrinsic rewards.  I'm afrain if I completely let it go he will just think..."FINALLY, she's stopped bugging me."  Also, my son has been wearing Goodnights underpants for over a year now because he is a very tall kid and outgrew all diapers & pull-ups before he was even ready to potty train.  Help!  This is SO expensive & frustrating!  Thanks!

[zekesunhapmom]

A related discussion, Potty Training was started.

[nobiggy]

A related discussion, potty training 3.7 year old boy was started.

[KerryM]

A related discussion, Potty training was started.

[Meg30047]

I have a daughter who just turned 4 with the same issue. We have tried everything we can think of! I would love to receive the list of helpful hints. Could that mom please e-mail it to me too, if you are still reading these posts? Or if anyone has it from her? thank you so much. We need all the help we can get! meg-***@****  Thanks, Meg

[wstsea]

Thank goodness I found this forum.  I have a 4.1 year old boy who has peed in the toilet only once (and that was at daycare). He's never pooped in the toilet either.  He has at times expressed interest in using the potty and at other times, has flatly refused when we take him into the bathroom saying he'll do so when he's as big as mommy and daddy. I quit work in August and have been home with him full-time since then. I really thought a nice benefit would be that I'd be able to support him in mastering the toilet. I've made him responsible for changing all his pee pull-ups himself and he knows if he's going to choose to pee in his pull-up, he must do so in the bathroom (which happens 75% of the time).  He doesn't respond to typical potty training rewards and I've tried every other trick in the book including 'running out of pull-ups'. He was positive about this event and said he'd pee in the potty once the last one was used. However, he held his pee so long he became very agitated and began crying in pain. Prior to it getting this bad, we tried to get him to put his pull-up back on just to relieve himself but he refused (due to earnestly wanting to use the toilet?). Finally, when it became unbearable to him, he put on the pull-up. This was in October '05 so we waited to bring up potty training again until after the holidays (based on advice from a parent educator at our preschool co-op and our son's pediatrician who evaluated him to determine if there was any medical problem interfering with his potty training ability).  The Dr. talked with my son and my son agreed that he would be using the potty by the time he came back in for his 4-year Dr. visit which will be next week. When I brought this up with my son he replied that he'll be embarassed to see his Dr. because he's not potty-trained yet.  I'm so exasperated because I don't know what to do to help him. He won't offer any insight to me on what he needs or what could help him use the potty).  I've called our health plan to get referrals to a child psychologist but haven't been able to bring myself to contact them yet.  I keep thinking I could just 'wait' and it will magically happen but then again -- I could be sitting here with him turning 5 years old and writing again! If the person who offered the written tips is still monitoring these messages, I'd really be interested in receiving a copy as well. Thanks too for any other tips anyone can pass along (either for my son or me!).

[grannyw]

I am so glad to hear that other parents/grandparents are having the same potty training issues that we are with our 3.7 year old grandson. He has no problems with the peepee part, but will not go poopoo in the potty for anything. We have tried everything that any one has ever suggested, but nothing helps. We believe that it is a control issue also. He will sit on the potty, but will not go and asks for a pull-up and then will go immediately. When refused a diaper to go in, he held it for 2 days whining and crying that his "booty" hurt. Finally my daughter-in-law gave in and put a diaper on him and he promptly went. I would sure appreciate the report mentioned from d99go3 about the helpful hints. Please e-mail me at ***@****. Any other comments on this subject would be great.

Thanks,

Grannyw