3.6 year old boy refuses all potty training tactics. Best way to proceed?

[bonobos311]

My son is 3 years & 7 months old.  We have been potty training him since he was 2.5 years.  He has peed in the toilet 1x and pooped 1x (MONTHS ago).  Nothing more.  I have tried incentives (stickers, sticker charts, lolipops, toy cars, parties, cake, balloons, presants, Wiggles concert tickets, trips to the Children's Museum, & a trip on a REAL airplane to Orlando...we're going in January either way).  Recently, I said "No more TV & No more computer until you use the potty.  Those things are for big kids."  Each time he goes, he gets 30 minutes screen time.  He has happily gone a week now without TV & Computer or the potty.

I have talked about "Babies in Diaper" and "Big Boys in underwear".  I have tried asking him to "Help Mommy".  I have talked about how "Proud Mommy, & Daddy, & Grandma...etc." will be.  I have talked about all the big kids at preschool (He's the only one out of all 24 in diapers...including boys 1 year younger than him).  The teacher at school works with him every day too.

I asked a child psychologist about it about 6 months ago and he said.  "Just put him in underwear.  It's messy, but who's going to get more uncomfortable first, him or you?"  The answer: Me.  My boy would lay in pee and/or poop soaked clothed for hours before concenting to "be responsible for himself" and take off his soiled clothes.  After awhile, I would contain him (and the mess in his bedroom until he concented to get cleaned up.  I never yelled, I just stated the concequences for his actions and followed through with them.

I have also tried dropping the subject entire.  My boy is thrilled with that.  It's his dream come true...never using the potty.  I have never forced him to sit on the potty when he was upset.  I usually ask him if he wants to...he always says no.  Sometimes, I strongly encourage him with stories, etc. He will sit there.  He has no fear of sitting there (pantsless).  

I believe he does not want to let go of his "baby ways".  I believe he doesn't want to be "bothered".  I also believe he enjoys the power he has by "not doing what Mommy wants".  I KNOW he is physically ready to be potty trained.  He usually wakes up dry.  If I mention it and suggest the potty, he immediately pees in his diaper.  Then, he may or may not agree to sit there, but by then, there's no point.  EVERY TIME he sits on the potty, he pees or poops beforehand...holds it while on the potty...then pees/poops again IMMEDIATELY after.  Not using the potty is VERY deliberate.

My question is...what is the best way for me to proceed.  He definately doesn't want to use the potty, but could care less about extrinsic or intrinsic rewards.  I'm afrain if I completely let it go he will just think..."FINALLY, she's stopped bugging me."  Also, my son has been wearing Goodnights underpants for over a year now because he is a very tall kid and outgrew all diapers & pull-ups before he was even ready to potty train.  Help!  This is SO expensive & frustrating!  Thanks!

[kelcar]

I am in exactly the same boat with my son who will be 4 in July!!!!Help Help!  I can relate to all of these examples--could D99Go3 e-mail the same wisdom to me as well?  Or anyone with advice on this?

[McMommy]

I too am in a similar situation.  I have a 4.1 y/o boy who could care less if he sits if pee or poop for the day, has not responded well to rewards/praise (at least not past the first 5 minutes after going on the potty).  He is fully capable of going on the potty, but chooses not to.  Our pediatrician (a year ago) told us it was a behavioral issue and suggested that we seek the help of a behavioral/potty training specialist.  We decided to continue trying on our own, but here we are a year later with no progress.  Sometimes my little guy will go to the bathroom if you ask him to (only to pee), but often times he throws a full-blown tantrum (hitting, screaming, pinching, biting, scratching etc).  Of course when we are on the road or in a store, he is more than willing to announce each time that he needs to use the bathroom (to pee).  He has been in pre-school for eight months now where the majority if not all of his classmates are fully potty-trained. He attends two full days a week and goes to an in-home daycare three days a week.  Although he tends to have some good days at school (when it comes to going potty), he displays the same outrageous behavior with the babysitter as he does at home.  He is not phased by the other children around him being fully trained.  We've done the stickers, the treats, the possible trip to Disney World, cool big boy underwear with characters on them (we've got them all) and we've also taken priveleges away (probably not recommended, but we've done it).  As for pooping, he has an interesting way of doing it.  They only he goes (other than the 3-4 times he actually went on the potty), is on all fours (yes, on his hands & knees).  He never  had a true constipation problem until a couple months ago and we started him on a pediatrician recommended oral aid that he takes every day.  The thought was that this would not only help him out of the temporary constipation situation, but would probably also help him come around to pooping on the potty if he was having trouble going.  Unfortunately, it hasn't changed a thing (other than curing the constipation).  I'm at the point where I feel like our family life revolves around his pooping.  Because if he needs to go and it takes him a while to do it, he is absolutely unmanageble.  I have recently let him run around naked, but only 50% of the time did he care to use the potty (to pee).  He was more than happy to pee all over the floor.  It did seem to bother him when he needed to poop though, but he wouldn't go on the potty, he just screamed and begged for a pull-up.  I have also tried to get him to at least do his deed in the bathroom (thinking it was a step in the right direction since it's the right location), but that also ends up being a huge ordeal.  And, yes, we have tried ignoring the subject, but probably not for a long enough period time (couple of weeks).  We have tried all of the little tricks several times over the past two years with no results.  It just causes my husband and I more and more frustration.  We couldn't send our son to the school that he was supposed to attend because he is not potty trained.  The pre-school and babysitter will go along with whatever we ask them to do and they have. Overall, my son is a very loving, fun little boy.  He is not a problem child at school and is well behaved for his age. So, while I'm waiting for a miracle to occur, I'd like to find out if anyone has enlisted the help of a professional.  If so, can you tell me more about that and how it worked for you?  The saying, "Don't worry, your children won't go to kindergarten in diapers." is becoming less and less comforting to me.

[D99G03]

I just e-mailed you that info.  Hopefully you'll be able to use SOMETHING ... Good luck!

[TrishFletch]

HELP! I have a 3 year 2 month olg GIRL child that REFUSES to go on the big girl potty, despite her big sisters encouragement, bribs, etc.....  She, also, wakes up dry. I sit her on the potty, she won't go. This morning, she went right downstairs and peed- all over the floor. I would LOVE the 2 page information on potty training advice!
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[jhawkmamax2]

For the 5-year-old who is using pullups in his room--we had the same issue at 4 with my older son. And while I didn't want to push too much, I did insist that he use the pullup in the bathroom because "that is where everyone poops, not in a bedroom." It was at least a step in the right direction even though it took several more months to get him to use the toilet for pooping.

On the other hand, I am apparently engaged in a pooping power struggle with my 3 1/2 year old. Most days he goes pretty regularly right after lunch. He lets me know that he needs to go and we get a pullup. But when we have to break schedule and are not at home during the regular "zero hour" he often withholds for the rest of the day and sometimes even the next. This means a big pileup that makes him uncomfortable and cranky. And the crankier he gets, the meaner he gets and the less likely to give in and go. He has similar issues with schedule changes--if it violates his expectancy, he blows up and is very hard to console. This happens even if the outcome would be the same but the process is different. I am starting to believe that this internal power struggle he is having is the root of all our behavioral issues at the moment (refusing to participate in preschool, generally being defiant when he is withholding). Anybody have a similar experience or advice?

[ABJOE]

My son just turned 5 and will NOT use the potty to do poopoo.  He's great at using it to  do peepee but says he's "scared" to do poopoo.  I've tried it all.  This is driving us nuts!  He has no problem asking for a diaper when he has to go and doing it there.  He'll go to his room and say he needs "privacy" and returns when he's ready to be cleaned.  We've tried rewards, ignoring, etc. etc and nothing seems to work.  If we do't give him diapers he just holds it in for days.  I don't like him doing that.  He's NEVER had any type accident at home or in school.  What can I do?  We're desperate for help.  Thanks in advance.