10 yr old defiant child

[About Ears]

Does anyone have any suggestions about talking to a defiant 10 yr old girl?  When we're talking we've told her how she upsets us and the family, we tell her she's being disrespectful and we won't tolerate disrespect, we ask her what the problem is, and tell her we have to take away priviledges and favorite things, tv, mp3 and cell phone and have timeouts if she doesn't stop arguing with us.  We also explained how we see this can go two ways.  One - Kids that act that way eventually end up running away or getting kicked out of the house at an early age because their parents can't stand being around someone like that and give her examples of kids in the neighborhood.  Two - You grow up and don't go down the bad road.  You have two loving parents and luckily your family is in good health with no problems except the ones you're making.  We have a great time all the time when you're part of the family but sometimes it seems like you are a stranger trying to hurt us and we don't understand why.  She has no reply to our questions and I don't think she even knows why.  It seems like she hasn't made up her mind which road to take yet and could go either way but this has become a habit I think to act this way.  Sometimes she's very cooperative and loving and then I wonder where is she coming from.  She gets the little attitude looks and whins "I know it", argues and calls family members a stupid ***.  Her dad was playing like hugging and wrestling and out of the blue she yells "stop, leave me alone" very hatefully.  This was in public and her tone was such that you would have thought she was being abducted by a stranger.   It made her father very uncomfortable.  Another thing she has done is mumble, hum, sing or just constantly make noise in the bedroom she shares with her sisters while they are trying to watch tv, read or homework.  She's always the background noise and we tell "her don't just make noise be quiet."  She gets angry when we catch her doing that.  When I say to go to your room she flat says no until I use a threatening voice.  She always asks why when told no and argues, always has back talk.  It's gotten to the point that I tell her "I don't do whys"  It's just her way of starting a fight.  We have timeouts and have taken away things recently.  I'd just like to know what could be said that could make her really think about what she is doing and get her to stop. I don't want to threaten her or anything physical eventhough I know what my dad would have done to me!  She's a very sharp 10 yr old.  She does love us and her sisters but she's just confused.  I don't think there is an outside influence such as a friend at this point.

[motherofpreteen]

I too have a 10 yr old daughter who I am also having similar problems with.  My husband and I both feel that when she watches too much TV she misbehaves more than usual.  Her general behavior consists of arguing everything that comes out of our mouths, or her sisters mouth.  She is ALWAYS right, and has to make some comment about anything,,, the song her sister sings, the color of my hair, how we drive, what's for dinner etc.  She gets upset with us and cries when we ask her to do her homework.  Doesn't feel like she has to do any "extra" studying for spelling, reading, math as it wasn't assigned.  Granted once we can get her to calm down and do as we've asked, she usually apologizes about reacting the way she did as she knows it is wrong.  She will then sometimes go to the opposite extreme and then over hug us, say she loves us, and becomes so childish and that too is annoying.  You can tell she isn't quite sure what her place is and how she is supposed to act.  Could be hormones, who knows.  I feel kind of bad because I get so frustrated and sometimes say things to her I know I shouldn't.  I don't want to break her spirit, I don't want to close her off from me where she won't want to talk.  I just don't know how to handle the mood swings and behavior problems.  What will make her think before she reacts?

[twiggy36]

I m soooo glad i am not alone.  i have the same thing with my 10 yr old daughter.  Shes defiant angry, rude and totally selfish.  Ive done all the blaming myself etc but from reading all the comments it seems like what all 10nyr old girls go through, not saying its right though!  Its one of those things like the terrible 2's maybe.  Hopefully its just a phase and as long as we keep them in check as much as possible they will come out the other end nice happy kids.

[About Ears]

Since I first posted we have had alittle progress but still are scratching our heads somewhat.  I don't agree with the swatting but my husband has threatened it so she pushes just to that point then caves in.  When she's not acting out her attitude we have a great time and as I talk I try to get her to open up and tell me why she goes off like she does.  I'm truly beginning to think it has to do with her friends at school.  I've let them come over afterschool to check them out and they're ALL a bunch of little bad attitude clones.  I don't think they even know why they act so terrible..it's like they're so confused..WAIT!!!  I KNOW WHY!!!  Oh my, it's the Disney Chanel!!!  Do your kids watch those programs on Disney???  From what I've seen the characters are super expressionly animated, always trying to be smart alecks with their little comments...can't just keep their mouths shut, always knockn somebody and just have BAD ATTITUDES!!  They portray that their parents are their enemies and they're much smarter.  AND they're so ALL THAT ("bitchin", sorry 60's expression)  Does that description ring a bell for you too?  You know, they always watch those shows and talk about the teen stars, I've just barely watched bits and pieces figuring it's Disney, why worry?  It's not R rated.  But oh my god what trash it's putting into these kids heads.  Her friends all act the same way.  I'm gonna observe this more closely and see what happens when Disney mysteriously is OFF THE AIR.  Maybe that would explain why I think things are improving until she gets a dose of Disney.  Can you believe this???  I'm betting this is what I am up against.  I'll let you know & let me know if you think your kids are living out characters in a sitcom too.    

[kaysav05]

WOW, me too. My 10 yr. old daughter does the same thing. to the T!!! So what do we do? I was told by a therapist that it is not illegal to give them a swat on the bottom but not more than 3, or that would be abuse. I tried it. It killed me but you know what...it cut down so many of her rants and raves. We still have issues but when I remind her of the swat that she's about to get; she'll chills right down. I do not like teaching her that way but we've tried everything, this was our last resort. Some one needs to help us!!!

[Budreaur]

I would be interested in talking with you. You article sounds like WE wrote it. We are going through something identical with a 10yr old. She is very hateful and gets angry at everything, it doesn’t matter what it is she fly’s off the handle and has to make everyone miserable. She has zero patience and tells her mom "I hate you" all the time. We have discussed military school and other options but we can't afford that route. Our 10yr old sounds as bad if not worse than yours. Plus she is 10 and she still wets the bed and carries around a teddy bear and a little security blanket with her wherever she goes. I am the step father and I am trying desperately to be a good dad to her but she won’t let me in. I can't ask her anything at all about anything without her blowing up. I would like to talk to you and share thoughts and ideas. You can email me at rob.***@**** and maybe we can share ideas.

~ concerned parent

[About Ears]

Thanks for your suggestion.  I don't think that's the case.  Something has definately ticked her off.  Her father and I can't imagine what we did and she's not talking.  She can be herself and then it's like she's remembered something and goes off to make our lives miserable.

[RockRose]

Does she look like she's going through early puberty?   I carefully read your description,  and as annoying as she must be at time,  she really doesn't sound outside the bounds of what is expected in girls going through puberty.  

If that's the case,  she really doesn't know why she's acting that way.  It's because she's edgy and irritable,  and that comes in swings between being feeling peaceful and happy,  and she doesn't know why that is.

Has she grown quite a bit suddenly,  and picked up weight,  as if she's about to start her period?  

Best wishes.