My 14 year old daughter hurts everyone around her

[loriclark2010]

My 14 year old daughter, who was diagnosed Bi-Polar and ADHD has just recently hurt my youngest daughter by strangling her to the point it left pitichia all around her eyes and temples. My daughter has cut herself in the past, however doesn't believe that she is Bi-Polar. She is in therapy but the therapist wants to take her off medication. She does well in school for a while, then just quits doing her homework. She was raped this past summer by a 17 year old, and has been in therapy since. She continues to be boy crazy and thinks she has to "do things" for them to like her. She is not allowed to have internet access, a phone, an ipod touch, etc due to her inappropriate texting to boys. Her behavior is to the point where her dad and I are thinking of putting her in foster care. We cannot have her hurting my youngest, who has fibromyalgia, neuropathy and lupus. Any ideas of what to do with her? We have kept a constant eye on her, she is not allowed to leave the house without an adult. She can have friends over when she earns it. We have tried her living with other relatives however she tore their family's apart due to her constant lying.  PLEASE HELP!!!!

[margypops]

I suggest you do some research into the meds she is taking as you will see for your self the bad side effect,. and I agree with Diva get her onto some food supplements .,there is also much info up there regarding their help with childrens emotions and behavior.good luck

[teddybears4ever2]

Like my sister Diva said maybe you can get her a PCA.  We are there to help you with whatever you need. Google it and see if you think it would be a good idea.

[skepticalpeach]

"A Safe Haven for Newborns began in response to the tragedy of infant abandonment in Florida. We see and read about abandoned babies all too often – it is heart breaking. The Safe haven law is a safety net for both the mother and the newborn infant. Instead of abandoning a newborn to an almost sure death, it allows mothers, fathers or whoever is in possession of an unharmed newborn, approximately seven days old or less, to leave them at a Safe Haven facility: Any Hospital, Staffed 24/7 Fire Rescue Station, or Staffed 24/7 Emergency Medical Service Station, with no questions asked, totally anonymous, free from fear of prosecution...... A compassionate approach which is saving lives."

Once your child is 14 the law changes, you can't just give them up; but it doesn't sound like that is something you really want to do. I know it might seem drastic, but could you just move somewhere that you can get better care for your children? I'm all about doing what needs to be done and moved states to get better therapy for my DD.

I would also consider taking away the meds and getting her to take fish oil if you can. You could also get her a mild sleeping pill to help her sleep. There are natural ones that work really well. Good luck!

[RockRose]

Lori,  this sounds like a very difficult situation.

A couple thoughts.  I googled the med she's on,  and found "new or worsening agitation" is a side effect,  and one that should be reported to the doctor.  It sounds like maybe this is causing some of her mood problems.

If she was conceived through a violent assault by a stranger (as opposed to a statutory rape situation involving alcohol,  for example),  she has a greater chance of violent antisocial behavior herself due to her genetic background.  This is hard.  Is her father a violent criminal,  or was this the result of a nonviolent but still illegal encounter?  It does make a difference.

I don't think you can give your children to foster care without being charged with a crime yourself.   Foster care is a system that accepts children into care (group homes or families) when their parents have been found criminally negligent or abusive.  The state comes in,  charges the parents with crimes,  and removes the children to a safer environment.

You may be able to place her in a short or long term psychiatric facility if you have good insurance,  and that may give your family a little relief while allowing her to be treated within a residential facility.

Another option,  if she does persist in being violent is to call the police,  as you considered before.  This is a last resort,  as you say,  because it will taint her future.  But that could start the process where she is removed to a juvenile facility that may (or usually may not) be able to help her heal.

Best wishes.  This sounds very hard.

[margypops]

It does sound as if there is more going on at home that she finds upsetting and I would say some further counseling would be a good idea and a check of the med as if you do some research you will see it says on all sites that Tazadone causes aggression and panic and many other side effects and isnt in fact recommended in children under 18.You say she does have serious jealousy issues regarding her sister so that needs to be addressed.,does the younger child get more attention and priority than she does ? I think you may find if you address the med issue the situation may calm down , there is no doubt this poor child needs help .

[loriclark2010]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am going to be checking into getting her a different therapist. Both my children see the same one, but I think only my oldest needs a different one. Currently she takes tazadone 50mg, which, for a child is not the first choice in medication; however she has taken so many meds that made her a zombie and caused her symptoms to get worse. This is the only one that allows her to sleep, as she takes it before bed.  
I live in a small community and I am not sure if we have group homes for children. I live in upstate Michigan. They do have a few down near Detroit, but that is too far away, and not exactly the place I want for her. I will look into it, see if I can find one closer.
She does have serious jealousy issues involving her sister. See, she is the result of a rape herself, I was only 16 and choose to keep her. I love her with all my heart and try to give her the attention she needs. My exhusband adopted her, but you can see the difference in how he treats them both. The youngest one is his. I have brought it to his attention and he sees it too. He does try to not do that now that he is aware.
I almost called the cops when she choked her sister, but I work in the criminal justice field and now how difficult it is to have a "normal" life with those types of things on your record.  
I think I will start with the ideas you have all given me, and see where it leads. Thank you all so very much!!

[margypops]

I think it may be a good idea to ask about meds she is on ,may I ask what she is taking it is well known that meds used for these conditions do have aggression as a side effect, so first of all check that out. Are there any jealousy issues she may feel towards the younger sister any sibling rivalry?

[skepticalpeach]

I agree with Adgal. I would definitely consider placing her in a group home. That way you know where she is and can still see her. You are frustrated with her right now, which is normal, but if you let her go you'll want to see her again.

Another thing that comes to mind is a psych ward at the hospital. When she has these melt downs and becomes violent that is also an option. It's so important to take drastic measures to help her. She's getting kind of old to be at home and acting like this. She's no longer little enough where you can restrain her yourselves or get a PCA (personal care attendant) to help. If she would let you, you could try deep pressure massage and pushing her on a swing. All things I use with my DD to help her calm down, but that's easier to do with a 5 year old than a 14 YO.  

I would take foster care off the table and here's why. It's not her fault she was raped. Her reaction to being raped is normal and considering her condition it's not surprising at all. It is a lot to expect of you to deal with this on your own, which is why there are professionals out there to help you. I understand why the therapist wants to stop medication. Antidepressants have weird side affects and can often make the situation worse. I would consider adding fish oil (if she'll take it) to her diet and taking milk and possibly gluten out of her diet. All something you should talk to a doctor about doing if you want to try a more natural way out.  

Also, has she seen any specialty doctors besides her primary care physician and the therapist?

[adgal]

Wow, this is a really tough situation and my heart really goes out to you.  I can see the dilemma..you love both your children, but do feel an obligation to protect the youngest.  And I agree, you have to make sure she is not physically harmed.  I wish I had answers for you, but unfortunately this is way out of the realm of my experience.  It sounds like she needs some serious intervention and it sounds to me like you are trying to get it for her.  If you are not happy with her therapist, then look for another.  Remember that you as her parents have a right to your thoughts on her treatment, and a second opinion is never a bad thing.  I'm not sure I would go the route of foster care.  What really comes to mind to me is more of a scenario where she lives in a home that specializes in caring for and doing therapy with children with challenges like hers.  If you are going to have someone else take care of her day to day needs, I would want to ensure that they are fully and properly trained so that the situation is not made worse.  And I would also ensure that it is in a setting where you as her family have full access and an active part in her therapy, with the ultimate goal being to have the family fully reunited.  Anyway, these are just thoughts and as I said I have no experience with this whatsoever.  Whatever you decide, I wish you all well and hope this situation is able to be working through and your daughter get the help she needs.  Take care.