Am I Raising a Future Child Molester?

[keerstn]

A year ago, we caught my 6-year-old son naked with his same-aged friend in his bedroom.  Knowing it could be normal curiosity, we explained in great detail that this was NOT appropriate, etc.  We found out that he'd done some exploring with a girl in his class, who'd been alone with him while we were babysitting.  AND we found out he'd also played this 'game' with his 7-year-old cousin.  We were firm, clear and taught him right from wrong, to the best of our ability, all the while trying not to make him feel bad for this natural curiosity.

THEN he taught this nifty game to a 2-year-old, and I lost a dear friend (the 2-year-old's mom).  That's when we took it very seriously.  I looked up symptoms of sexual abuse, and my son has none of them - except for the 'game.'  

We took him to counseling anyway.  He saw the couselor twice, who said we should drop the subject entirely, that he would likely not do it again, and that there was no indication that he'd been abused - sexually or otherwise.  And we dropped it.  That was eight months ago.

Tonight, we found out that he was playing the game again with his cousin - and we already know that my son initiated it.  That's when we found out that the game also included humping, naked - and that's when we found out that he learned all of this from a former classmate, who DOES have all the symptoms of sexual abuse.

While I have to find a way to tell this other boy's parents what has happened, I am meanwhile just devastated.  There is no doubt that my son knew this was inappropriate and wanted to get away with it.  He said he just didn't think we would know, and that he 'must be different than other kids because I really just like to do it.'

He's already played this game with four other people, and he will not be having any more alone time with other kids, including his younger brother (for whom I am now terrified).  My son is a fantastic child, bright and well mannered, honest and sensitive.  He doesn't lie, steal, or cheat.  He doesn't hit or cause trouble.  But he obviously can't stop himself in this exploration game.  And I can't make him stop.

We have no idea where to turn.  Taking him back to the therapist who told us he would be fine seems like a waste of time.  We have no recommendations for child psychologists in our area.  I've scoured the web, hoping to find help, and this site keeps coming up with other one-time, similar occurrences.  One time, then, seems to be pretty normal.  We even know that my son wasn't abused.

But how can I make it stop?  What does he need to resolve within himself so that HE will make it stop?  Or is he doomed, thanks to one playdate with a possibly molested boy in kindergarten, and I'm raising a future child molester?  WHAT CAN I DO???  And where do I turn for some real help???

[Jperle]

I am going to share a personal experience. The therapist tells you he wasnt sexually molested or abused. but he was. By the other child who taught him that. That Happened to me. My sister was molested by a older cousin, about 10 years older than her. She then taught me these things. My parents caught us and they took her to theraphy i went for one session but i was told  i wasnt showing signs of sexual abuse. The thing is. when two kids do it to each other they dont feel like its abuse or something is wrong. But he was the outcome was me showing other girls the same thing. and When i reached a age when i knew what happened. i fell into depression, guilt, shame, i became suicidal turned to drugs did anything for attention. a craved attention it ruined my life. Something is wrong with him, he does need help. and he was abused by whoever showed him that. If you say he learned it from this kid who was abused then. that kid did the exact thing your child is doing to him. Please dont push this away i know because as soon as i read your article i remembered all these things in my past. i have put them behind me and moved on with my life but i am so scared with my girls i have 2 girls and i am so careful with anything.

[mtegeler]

I just happened to come across this post, and I have read the comments left by africangrey. I think that what africangrey has said about your son is uncalled for, and disheartening to the matter. africangrey had mentioned she/he is not a doctor and does not have the expertise to advise you of what to do, so africangrey should keep his/her mouth shut about your child. He/she does not know what you are going through and neither do i, but I am sure it is very stressful and probably a very emotionally devastating experience that you are trying to prevent. Do not get me completely wrong because the advice africangrey has given about attaining a referral to a child psychologist is an essential step you should take in order to help your son. Your son may know right from wrong but he is only six and people need to think of that when they start speaking about children, and calling them names that a child should never be called just because they have learned something bad. People need to have a heart and its sick to me that africangrey would rather put you down as a parent and make your six year old look like a monster rather than to show some sympathy for the turmoil you and your family are experiencing. Children are very impressionable. I believe it could very well be true your son learned it from a friend, and then he thought it was ok, and by the time, you saw this behavior it had already been instilled into his head that it was ok because he liked it. Although, you have told him it is not ok he was already environmentally conditioned to think it was. I am sorry that people are so unsympathetic in this world and I hope you get some help for your son and that your family heals from this. I send my best wishes. Just keep god in your heart and find the right professional psychologist that can help you out and I’m sure your son will grow up to be just fine.

[katie121]

any sexual predator is a person who doesn't respect other people's bodies and their rights to their bodies as well as their right to say NO.
   You are not raising a sexual predator because you will make consistent effort to teach your boy how to respect others.
    Teach him that sex is not a game. teach him about sex. teach him about sexual predators. teach him about rapists.
    Thank you to the caring parent who wrote the question. Thank you for making the effort so us girls don't have to contend with more rapists.
     Children are smart and of course the birds and bees must be discussed. Obvisiously the time is now.
     Don't allow two years to be raped. Be a grown up. Tell your son masterbation feels good and when he gets a girlfriend his own age he can have sex. etc. . .

[babygirl6152]

UNLIKE the 6 year old who should have a more fully formed conscience- your two year old's reasoning is just "that it feels good"- Seeds  of course can be planted now- and I suggest just telling little Johnny- It feels very good to play with your penis, yet toys are to play with- not penises and redirect with a toy. That's it! Nothing else-

keerstn and others- yell at me if you want but basically africangrey said nothing except that "your son should know better"- and at age 7 (he is pretty darn close at age 6) a conscience should be fully formed/ Games are games and he chose this game- alright- he was told it was unacceptable- and that he was not allowed to do it and chose to disobey- now it's time to see about underlying issues and not look the other way in that respect- as far as you being sure he was not abused- unless you have spent every minute with him from birth- you cannot be SURE- AND- I truly hope he was not abused-

so I see that you took him to a counselor-OK- you didn't like their "counseling" and suggestions but you know deep down something is wrong OK- how about another counselor?

If you wanted sentimentality from women maybe you should have asked for that right up front. Yes it's hard,  yes it's terrible. yes we are sorry you are having to deal with this, but he is affecting the lives of others, including your toddler son- and we have to protect him since he is helpless as much as you have to deal with 6 year old's emotional/sexual issues. And reading between the lines here THAT is what africangrey wanted you to dwell on was the other children being harmed/

[snglma]

my son who is two years old, about to be three in february, is going through the natural exploration of sexual feeling.  I.E. he is taking off other childrens' pants too find out what is down there.  He plays with his own penis until fully erect and then just handles it.  It is not masturbation as we think, for he isn't trying to achieve orgasm, nor is he trying to insert it into anything or hump anything.  However, I feel that I have done something wrong for him to have this behavior.  I also feel that I cannot change this behavior, and I have tried.  I am a single parent who just returned from Iraq, my son was staying with my parents, and I am trying to get him in to a psychologist to get to the root of the problem.  I quit my job to stay home with him.  I am trying.  He never acts sexually to me.  I was investigated by SRS and in turn so were thefoster children at my parents home.  Nothing at all indicates that there was any abuse, and my son is very verbal and has said nothing to my thousands of carefuly chosen questions.  This is far harder on the parent than on the child, who most likely will not remember the situation as something being 'wrong' with them.  I am just at my wits end because although I know I am a good mom, I feel awful, and I also feel like I cannot get any time to myself, because i can't take him to a sitter.

[888mom]

Seeing a therapist is good.  But, some of this behavior is normal for children.  My brother and I used to play with a vacuum with our private parts when we were 3 and 5.  Was my brother taking advantage of me since I was younger?  I really doubt it.  He just wanted to share the fun, I guess, though that is a tacky and crude way of saying it.  A 5 or 6 year old doesn't understand.  And the more you make it taboo, maybe the more he'd want to do it anyways, but you have to stick with making it a no no.  WHen my brother and I were older, my brother's friends used to pay me money out of their allowances if I'd take off my shirt or pants or let them touch me.  So, does that mean they were going to become sex fiends later in life if they did that at 6 or 7 or that I would become a prostitute?  No, we did not turn out like that.  My brother, his friends, and I all turned out normal, and we have normal healthy relationships and normal healthy marriages.  These behaviors probably should have been addressed by the parents earlier on, but not all of them were known by the parents at first.  I did have a sit down about the birds and the bees and what was considered appropriate and inappropriate and what you are allowed to do with boys or girls and what you should definitely not be doing.  Even though I wanted to, I learned that I was not allowed to.  ANd yet, I would still find ways to try to play "games" with my boy cousins when my parents weren't watching closely.  Some of this stuff is  normal, it all depends on how far they are going.  I was not abused, in any way, by my parents or anyone else for that matter.  If something feels good, some kids want to share.  Doesn't mean the behavior shouldn't be stopped by parents, parents do  need to step in and address it and keep a close eye on the children.  At 6, I would not worry about him being a child molester.  He doesnt' know any better, but he needs to learn to know better.  

Hang in there, don't feel like a bad parent, or that your boy is a bad boy.  He just doesn't know any better and needs to learn, and keep learning.  HOpe my two cents helps your emotional state some.